All of a sudden she changed, and no longer cared at all~

I LOVE THIS!

 

I can not express enough how true this quote is. I honourably hope to bring justice to this quote with how I interpret the meaning.  I feel it expresses who I am building towards becoming.

I think it may scare some people. I actually think some are already feeling the effects of this quote in my life. With that I must say...I don't care.

You see there are two types of people in the world, the takers and the givers. Maybe technically I should say..there are 3 types of people, because then we have to remember the person I am becoming. The one who sits directly in the middle, the one who I feel is the most content.

In order to be this  person you must at sometime been a giver, someone who works endlessly to make the takers happy. Giving up their own time, energy, love and self-worth just to see the taker smile. Pleasing, wanting, needing the acceptance of that person.

If you don't already know, I recently had a lapse in my life. A moment of fear, uncertainty and possibly even a loss of self. I found myself at the bottom once again, except this time my family for the first time ever witness what its like for me to be at the my most vulnerable.

I scared my children.

I have never ever in all my years of growing, changing and evolving scared my own children.

When a mom shows a side to her kids that causes them to become frightened or nervous, possibly even panic-stricken. It is then your job to undue that anxiety.

In 20 years it was the first for them see me brought to my knees, and you know what? Its ok, they know i'm human.

Initially, I was upset with myself and worried how was I going to undo the damage I had done. Both Paul and I have been very good with keeping our emotions, fears and anxieties cloaked.

Hidden~

 Let me explain, most of you know that I have PTSD. Its a condition that effects me at different times and stages in my life. I have done a really good job not letting it surface especially while home being a mom. I have never let drugs or alcohol take away the pain and fear. I have always taken it head on, dealing with things as they came to me.

Back in the day my PTSD would be triggered with something like a microwave going off, it would sound like a hospital monitor and flashes of memories would come back. Other times it was scents, the smell of Pampers I couldn't stand. I had to switch to Huggies just to be able to change my babies. Smells like certain cleaning supplies, anything related to hospitals. Cartoons, music, children's books...anything could bring me back to a time of fear. It actually got so bad I ended up having to quit my job at the hospital. I thought I was going to be ok, but I struggled constantly.

Today I battle with looking back at photo's, hospital visits can send me into panic attacks, doctor appts. when Braden gets sick, when Kailey doesn't answer a text, when Paul is driving too work. Sometimes just walking into Braden's bedroom in the morning brings back painful memories. It's the flashbacks really...they will haunt me forever but I will find a way once again to deal with them.

I live in constant fear something bad is going to happen, it never goes away.

When I had my melt down, and sadly my kids saw that I then decided I had to show them how strong I can be.

I knew then I had to get some help and re-learn how to handle stressful moments with PTSD. I had the tools, but over the last few years I've lost them. I need a refresher course, so that's exactly what I am doing. I also feel its very very important to show you children even when adults that its ok to "get help". As a parent you are constantly modelling behavior. One of my biggest concerns is that I teach my kids, and illustrate healthy ways to deal with all the crappy things life can throw at you.

Although, I found myself in tears uncontrollably sobbing because I had so many bottled up feelings and frustrations....the very next day I pulled my big girl pants up and made a phone call to get myself the direction needed to help myself.

Lesson one; It's ok to be scared.

Lesson two: It's good to identify it.

Lesson Three: Pick yourself up

Lesson 4: Its good to seek help

Lesson 5:Never be ashamed

Lesson 6: Apply the "new tools" you receive from your source of help

 

And that's indeed what I did. Again.

Because yes...I have been here before and I know I will be here again.

I decided immediately after I saw the reaction of both my children that I would bring them along on this journey. I had to follow through with my plan, and show them how to properly deal with and recover from a state of bewilderment.

 

Lets get back to the quote.

 

Why its so powerful to me is because something I am dealing with as well is the feeling of guilt. I have lived many years with so much guilt. I have felt I have needed to make everyone in my life happy.

 

Please do not get me wrong, one of the downfalls of over sharing is that people may look to deep into this post. I would never write anything that would jeopardize a relationship with a person whom I love.

 

What I am going to try to explain without sounding hateful, is how over the past 20 years I have worn myself out. I have given WAY to much of my time, energy and love to some who never really had any intentions of giving back. Some who were really never there. I have a lot of anger about that.

 

I also can't say NO.

 

But I can't even begin to express how tired I am, so tired of trying to make everyone else happy~

If they are smiling, then they aren't thinking of how my accident effected their life. Or maybe if I am a great friend, and give as much of myself as possible they won't think any less of me as a person or mother.

That is how my mind works, honestly its not you...it's me~

I do it to myself, I have for 20 years and now I am tired, and at times very angry.

 

Like this quote says.."And then all of a sudden She Changed.

                                    She came back a completely different person.

 

To my children, there is pain and at times I am sad. I know I scared you but I want you too know that I am working very hard to come back a different person. Not completely changed, cause I really do like me. I love who I am , I love my life and mostly I love you~

But I have some work to do, and I will come back "with a new mindset, a new outlook, and a new soul". Because that's what you do when your feeling broken.

 

"That girl that once cared way to much, About everyone and everything, No longer cared at all"

 

It takes some people a great amount of work to stop caring, especially when they have lived 20 years doing nothing but over-caring.

I don't mean I will stop caring about my family and friends lol..or about my charities, or future ambitions and family time. 

This is where I need to be careful with my explanations. I will care a lot less about the things that do not effect me directly. I am certainly going to stop caring about how I make myself feel. I will stop carrying about my guilt, my fears and my anxieties. I will focus more on not worrying about everyone else's happiness and put more effort into my own.

You see when you live through a trauma, or a catastrophe and you rebuild your life sometimes you have to put things on hold. Things like your own recovery or your own mental health take a back seat while your trying to build everyone else up.

It's my time, I feel its the right time. I finally have the time to take care of myself...the last time I hit this bump in the road I became a nurse. God knows what I'm capable of doing this time ;)

 

Like I promised, I am going to share in this continued journey of finding my confidence. I'm not embarrassed, I'm not worried about what others think. I am going to be honest, and I can only hope my experiences can help someone else.

Well my lovelies I am off, until tomorrow good night and god bless~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Homemade Advent calenders made with love~

Paula's Advent Calendar~

  Kailey's Advent Calendar~

Hello friends!
I'm not sure if I have shared with you what I do for advent calendar's for my kids. When they were little I always bought them the chocolate calendar's, and that worked out well. After dinner each night they would open their little chocolate window, and eat their treat. As they got older, they would keep their calendar's in their rooms. Most times they'd forget to open the windows and eat their treats, so they'd just take it upon themselves too devour the chocolates all in one sitting.
That would drive me crazy, silly kids. Not even following the days in December, eating the chocolate in their rooms all in one night.
Eventually I got tired of that and stopped buying those chocolate calendar's. What I decided to do was buy small felt Christmas bags, maybe the size of a kids loot bag from a birthday party. I hung these little bags on the pantry doors in the kitchen and each night I would put a treat in them for Braden and Kailey to find and eat or use. Most of the stuff was small items, sometimes nail polish, toothbrush, lip balm, mittens, socks or gum, suckers, candy and chocolate. Not expensive stuff, on occasion I would get an actual "gift" item and it would be something they needed or wanted.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do about my advent this year with Kailey living in residence. I was so sad....how could I make this work?!
Naturally I went to Pinterest and figured out exactly how I can make this work. I found a pin, where some very creative person used a coat hanger to hang wrapped advent gifts for each day for the month of December. PERFECT! I loved it!!
I started planning this idea back in November, buying the advent gifts for each day. Some cute little trinkets, the usual candy, chocolate, socks and fun little activities.

So I started out painting some clothes hanger's red. Couple coats and it looked wonderful. Then I wrapped the gifts and I had Paul drill tiny holes in the bottom of the hanger. Then he screwed in some small hooks, which allowed me to string and hang the advent gifts.
 

I was so excited to do this for Kailey, but I couldn't just send one to school with her. I had to make one for her roommate as well. Both girls are working so very hard, they have both had a lot of adjustments being away from home. I knew Paula would be very grateful for her advent and my hopes was they would both enjoy just a few moments a day opening up a small gift, something that can make them smile, take their minds off of finals, studying, being away from home. It was sort of a count down to coming home for the holidays.
Paula sent me the nicest thankyou  via facebook, and her mother commented with the sweetest message. We are both very thankful our girls have a roommate who is respectful and conscientious of one another. Kailey got very lucky, and I am so happy about that. 

 

Well here are a few of the small gifts they received so far, these are some of the ones they have opened.

Who doesn't love popcorn~

Snow in a can~ Just some fun for them in their dorm rooms.

Personalized ornaments....hopefully they hung them in their room.
 

Candy canes...no explanation needed~

PEZ!!!!! Cause that's just awesome!

Santa straws for the holiday drinks!

Glow stick bracelets for the upcoming holiday parties~

 So below is a picture of the finished product hanging on Kailey's dorm wall. I sent some hooks for them to help hang on their wall.
I get a text everyday telling me what they got, and a thank you.
Well my lovelies, I hope I have inspired you too think outside the box when it comes too Advent calendar's. Honestly, its something that is so easy and really not expensive. The Dollarstore is a pretty amazing place. The things you can pick up for gifts are wonderful.
Goodnight my friends and god bless~

 

Painting chickadee's and happy birthdays~

Happy Birthday Colleen~

 

This post is quite late, we painted on Nov 30th. My friend Colleen celebrated her birthday on Dec 4th so I took the opportunity to celebrate her day that evening. So we went to a painting class and had some cupcakes and wine. It was a lovely evening spent with some good friends.

If you look closely to the right top corner you can see my friend Colleen, she sat across from me, lol and the face she is making is an inside joke. She is too funny, she finished the bottle of wine. Even though she was feeling pretty good and making funny faces she painted one hell of a picture.

Its not always a good thing for her and I too be together during art activities. We become haunted, seriously we took grade 12 art together and we were constantly in trouble. Mostly her fault...lol...my blog, my way!

 

So above is my started project, it took some time and some adjusting but within minutes I had it looking pretty darn good.'

Below is Karen's painting, she is becoming quite the painter. Her work is amazing, she was very helpful during the night...especially since the wine made me hot, red and distracted at times.

 

Colleen not even paying attention she's more concerned with filling her wine glass. lol..that's why I love her!!

I have my tree branch done, and I am really pleased with it!

I then started my pine leaves, Karen was kind enough to help out with mine. I made them very sharp, very prickly.

She helped me soften them, her picture is below. A beautiful start to her project.

As you can clearly see the picture below, no one was ready for my picture. LOL..Colleen (Birthday girl) is on the right, Colleen my other friend is on the left. Karen on the left with the purple top on and beside Colleen on the right is Lynn, she is also in purple and not looking at the camera.

Here you have it, my finished product. I absolutely love my painting. I have never come away from a painting this pleased with a project. This one I am proud of, and I already have it hanging in the livingroom.

The photo below is Colleen Carrigan's, she did a wonderful job too. At first she wasn't too happy with her little bird. But I think he looks a bit cartoonish and I quite liked it. He is cute...innocent and soft looking. She did a great job, and I hope she hung her's up as well.

Colleen M.'s picture below, she did a fantastic job. Love her's as well..even though she was half drunk, lol she pulled it off. It was a great night, I always have fun when painting. Social Art KW is such a great event. Rachel is one heck of an instructor who brings a good time every week. I love her studio, its the perfect atmosphere to have a girls night, date night or just a quiet reclusive night.

 

 When I was planning to celebrate Colleen's birthday while painting I thought cupcakes would be a great idea. Who doesn't love cupcakes on their birthday? I wanted to get a good pic of the moment too..and I wanted to be able to send her home with a picture to remember this night by. So I brought Kailey's polaroid camera to do just that. Look how cute the pictures turned out. I love them.

 

Well my lovelies, I am off. I am so behind on blogging. I've been very busy with work. It's just stuff that takes up time. Like phone calls and coffee meetings at Tim Hortons. Discussing the changes to peoples lives. What we can do to make things easier. I love it...but it certainly take away from my day.

With that, good night my friends and god bless~

 

Baby Blair, Annie and growing up MacPhee~

This picture below is not Baby B, this beauty is Baby B's momma. 

Last Sunday we celebrated my cousin Annie's baby 1st birthday. That's Annie below when she was probably just over 1 year old. 

You know I'm quite a bit older than most of my cousins. Which for me has kinda sucked. I didn't have the opportunity to "hang out" with them. We didn't grow up spending christmas's together around the same dinner table. Our grandparents lived in Nova Scotia so we didn't all congregate towards their house for fun filled festivities. 

We did however see them over the holidays, they always visited at my parents house. When I got older and moved out, my parents would still go see them all. But I was at that age around 20 years old where I had moved out and now had another family to accommodate into my Christmas plans. Even though, I didn't see them often they were never far from my thoughts. I loved each of them dearly. 

There's an unspoken bond between us "MacPhee" kids, we all know what it's like to be raised by a crazy family! Each one of us sporting a parent from the descendants of MacPhee. Not always easy, but for sure always fun. 

So you see here below is Annie holding my baby. She is holding Kailey, and in this moment although Kailey was a baby...to me so was Annie. Just a little girl with the brightest spirit I ever did see. 

So it seems unreal to me, that last Sunday we celebrated Annie's baby's birthday. I don't know where the time has gone. One minute ago they were all holding Kailey, and now we are holding their babies. All of my cousins babies.

It was quite the celebration, she had so many kids there. Such cute little ones all excited to play games, eat cake and smash the hell out of a princess piñata that they knew was filled with candy. The little guy sitting on the chair in the picture above is Annie's nephew Nolan. He is Karrie's youngest. He just turned 3 and my goodness he looks like he should be in kindergarten. Karrie has 2 gorgeous smart kids, and she is doing an amazing job as a mommy and wifey. I'm so proud of the woman she is.

I'm not going to go into too much about all of my cousins, just because I will someday blog about my amazing family. But today I wanted to focus on how fast life goes, and I wanted to express in a short post how much they all mean to me. 

 

Here is Baby Blair (named after her grampy MacPhee). I stole this pic from Annie because sitting on Blairs lap is the little Rapunzel doll we got her for her birthday. Nothing makes me happier than knowing I made a little girl happy.

Below Annie and her family, such a beautiful bunch. My dad and I didn't stay too long for the celebrations, but I was happy we went. I want each one of you to know I try my best. I want to be there for all of you as much as I can. I have a crazy busy hectic life which has thrown a lot on my plate, and trust me when I say..it hasn't gotten any lighter. It's full but it's enriched. Each one of you adds a special something in my life, and I hope that I am giving that back to you in the best way I can.

 

One of the things I have always loved and admired about my family is their ability to always look past the challenges we had to face with Braden. What I mean by that is it didn't matter where we were or what family function we had, each one of my cousins jumped in with both feet and interacted with both my kids. I mean, no questions asked. Annie must have been only 10 years old or so, she had no fear or no concerns about getting down to floor level and playing with him. Sometimes approaching him would have been intimidating for a young girl. He at times had oxygen, braces and he couldn't walk around. He was stationed, and she always made sure she made him laugh~

All of my cousins made sure Braden was included, the kids would come to him and play. I loved that about my family.

So on this day when we were celebrating Baby Blair, I really wanted Annie to know she means a lot too me. Both her and her sister, and I love them and I love the women they are becoming and so proud of the mom's that they are.

I know that I am a bit older than all of you, and I have missed out on a lot of your lives while you grew up. Please know if you ever need me, I am always here...that goes to all of you.

Someday I will divulge further into family, life growing up MacPhee.

Tonight this post is for Annie, and her always smiling self.  The one who made me smile at gatherings when I worried so much about who would sit and play with Braden~

YOU are awesome, what a wonderful birthday you had for Blair. She is such a lucky baby to have all of you loving her!

Well my lovelies, I am off for the night~ Until tomorrow good night and god bless~

Dirty Dancing in Toronto~

On Saturday Paul and I went again to Toronto to see a theatre production. This time it was Dirty Dancing. It was really really great!

I had actually seen it a few years ago with a friend and her daughter as well as Kailey. This time it was different, it wasn't necessarily better, it was just different. 

We had a great day, we went to the Eaton Center first and got a small amount of shopping done. Then we headed over and met up with some friends to see the production.

In all honesty, there really are not many better movie lines than "nobody puts baby in a corner"

This play was at the Ed Mirvish Theatre. Last Saturday we were at the Proncess of Wales and we saw Rudloph The Rednosed Reindeer. I think we are finished for theatre productions..well at least until next year! :)

I absolutely love visiting Toronto, how can you not think this isn't beautiful. 

The classic night time shot of the CN Tower. 

Below is a picture of a Reindeer in the Eating centre. The mall is decorated for the holiday season, it was so festive. There's something about shopping in Toronto at Christmas. 

Well my friends, short and sweet. Kinda like me..lol 

Until tomorrow goodnight and god bless! 

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter #83 Meet Someone Who Makes You Laugh So Hard You Pee~

#83 Find Someone who makes you laugh so hard you pee~

This is an easy one, honestly Fox if he makes you laugh like those really deep belly laughs then he is definitely worth hanging on too.
Humour is one of the most important qualities in a man! Especially in our family...lol
You know my story with your dad, when I first started dating him my friends weren't too sure of him. I remember them thinking he was kind of "snobby". He wasn't the most outgoing guy, he didn't really go out of his way to impress anyone. It took me a long time to convince them that he really is an awesome guy.
When it was just the two of us together, oh my god he made me laugh...all of the time.
Still today, he is the one who makes me laugh the hardest. I suppose maybe because we have such a history together that the things we can laugh at are sometimes things others wouldn't dream too.

Its like a partnership, seriously when the right guy comes around it won't take you long to figure out if he is someone that will life your spirits and make you laugh during hard times.

If he can make you laugh so hard you pee, my Freckled Fox he is a man to certainly consider to spend your life with.

In my darkest moments, in the nights of uncertainty when I didn't know what my life was going to be the next day...your dad made it his life mission to make me smile. When we laughed, and tears would come to my eyes, and I would pee my pants....I knew whatever was going to be thrown at me, we'd get through it. We would be sure of that, and we'd always find something to laugh at.

Its not easy to find Fox, so if he makes you laugh until you pee....hold on to him. There will be days when his smile and his humor will be the only thing to make you want to be strong.

Well my lovelies, I'm out. I hope you are all doing well...until tomorrow good night and god bless~