6 Secrets Mom's Of Special Needs kids don't tell you..
Last Tuesday we reviewed the number one secret being Special needs mom are lonely. This Tuesday I will reveal the number 2 secret..
2.Special needs moms have to work extra hard to preserve their marriages's
The wonderful woman who started this blog topic didn't go into as much detail as what I probably will regarding her marriage. We have different circumstances..and everyone's story is their own.
When discussing our marriage I often go back to the odd's we were given about 2 years after my car accident....we were given 13% chance of a successful marriage. Lets break it down...
1. we were incredably young when we married, I wasn't even out of college yet.
2. We had a baby very young without being completely financially secure.
3. I had a car accident, which resulted in a trauma and a situation that could have easily added blame to me.
4. We then had to support a child with severe medical issues, the stress of that was extremely overwhelming and could have torn any marriage apart.
5. We had a new life to live with a "Special Needs Child" that alone typically ends a marriage within the first 5 years, this I know because we have met MANY families over the years that do not make it past 5 years. Its sad, but its a reality. It's not easy...this marriage thing, but having the stress of a special needs child makes it much more challenging.
I should rephrase that comment by making it clear that the special needs child him/herself are NOT responsible for the stress in any house hold. Whether you believe me or not when I say having a special child in your life is truly a blessing. These kids teach us more about humanity, love, patience, resilience, determination and kindness, it is the households who do not take the time to learn from their child that don't survive their marriages. You need to be bound together, you need to share in those lessons and you need to always keep communication open, laughing, crying and even screaming when necessary...but if you are doing these things...Just do them together.
Once one of you decide to unplug from the relationship....it only goes down hill. For Paul and I...after my accident, when we finally made it home we were just happy to be home. I remember having nursing in my home day and night..the stress was tremendous, it was so difficult to adjust to being home with SO many people coming and going.
We were so lucky to have such wonderful people in our support system, I firmly believe that it was all their help, advice, time and consideration that helped us through those first few years. My parents were outstanding and still to this day if we didn't have them..I am not sure where we would be today. Even though we had alot of professionals around for a very long time...a small handful of those professionals became close friends who recognized the importance of Paul and I continuing a relationship in our marriage. We were blessed with so many seasoned married couples who reminded us daily that we still needed to nurture our commitment to eachother. We immediatley had my parents trained to care for Braden's medical needs...just so we could go out for dinner or to a movie occassionally. I think all of us Special needs parents can relate to the fact, if you get an evening out..you take full advantage, never take it for granted and be just in that moment, and so thankful that you get that moment.
Back then we did have cell phones, but we didn't text or have facebook, twitter or instagram..so it was easier to stay focused on one another.
If I were to give any advice to a new family starting out with a child who has been born with special needs..my advice would be to remember your marriage comes first. Nurture that..make it a priority, don't feel guilty for that either. Children feel safe when parents are united, they feel secure knowing their parents love eachother. You will quickly learn that it really is the little things in life that will make you happy, its not about money, competition or pride...let that go and live in the moment. Sometimes our date nights would be at 3am...sitting on the couch watching a rerun of Rosanne while sharing a bowl of cheerio's. THOSE were the times that I will cherish, this is the reason we made it work.
