100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter # 75 Best Friends for Life,Husband and Wife!

#75 Best friends for life, Husband and Wife~

I am going to keep this simple. Its a loaded statement, and one that some might not necessarily agree with. Some women prefer to have a real "girl" bestfriend in life. That's ok I suppose if that's what works for you.
Me, I am by far married to my best friend. He is (besides my mom) the only other person in the world who has my back and I his. Find a man who always puts you first. Then hold on tight because the ride of your life is going to be wild. Don't let go of him, even when the ride is too fast. Actually when the ride of life is going to fast...hold on tighter.

Seriously Kail, marriage, friendship, relationships, happiness and partnership lies in the hands of choices. We choose to remain best friends, and we have worked very hard to get where we are today. For me, I was immediately attracted to your dad. We could laugh with eachother over the silliest things. Eventually we shared secrets, goals, wants and desires and in time those things blended together and we were on the same path for a future together. I knew he was the one because he wanted to work with me. He had an interest in building a life with me, beside me.

One of my favorite things about my marriage is at the end of the day, we have always sat down together to talk about our lives. The bits in which we may not be a part of, like work, or activities and my favorite was always the plans for a future. Find a man who has an interest in YOUR day. Someone who wants to hear about it. A man who will make you a tea (in your favorite mug lol) and sit with you too talk about your children, jobs, friends and marriage. A man who gives you his time and attention is worth working along side for life.
Now it will never be perfect, cause there is no such thing as perfect. So don't put expectations on a man and expect him to read your mind. You need to be specific, you need to be clear with what you want and need from him. Bring this too your marriage immediately, start out with great communication from the beginning.
Always put your marriage first, as well as your husband. I have been around the block enough to know that a strong marriage is built on a foundation of commitment to one another and dedication to the things that make your marriage strong and happy.

Friendships are important. We all need friends, its healthy to interact with others. Find people who you share a common interest with. We seek people who can relate to us, those who understand our thoughts and feelings.

When you have those things with your spouse, I promise you, you will be content. There will be no need to seek out "satisfying" relationships outside of your marriage. There is NO better feeling than that. Trust me~

With all that said my fox, having a girlfriend who you can trust and share your life with truly is a special thing. Be sure she is the right one, someone who makes you laugh, is not judgemental and listens. You only need one good one. Don't fill your life with many "best friends", it will get in the way of your marriage and family. Acquaintances are good, its ok to seek out groups of friends who share an interest with you. But don't put them before your marriage. Always go home to your husband, tell him your stories, share your worries and laughs with him.

As long as he is putting in the same effort as you....there will never be a better best friend than your man. Your dad and I love crawling into bed at the end of an eventful evening and going over how much fun we had. We share everything with each other, I save my stories for him. I love going to parties, gatherings, dances, and events with him. We genuinely enjoy each others company. We love being home on Saturday nights with one another, alone, drinking wine and watching a movie. It doesn't matter what we are doing as long as we are together we are content.
I have noticed that some of the strongest marriages I know have the same habits as your dad and I. Being together, laughing with one another and always catching up at the end of the night makes a marriage healthy.
This is by far to early for you too understand but trust me fox, the day will come when you will read this one and think "my mom and dad had it right!" So until then just have fun~ Love mom xo

My lovelies if you are reading this please remember what works for us may not work for you. My opinion is mine.

Pleasse don't think i'm special for loving my child with a disability.

{My dear readers, this post is not directly related to my life. Our situation has been different from some of the other parents I have worked with or counselled over the years. Although I speak the truth in this post, Paul and I did hear a lot of the same things many other parents heard and had to deal with on a regular basis. For us, our child had an injury so there was always hope of a excellent recovery. We had to deal with other types of comments....ones that were meant to make us feel better but honestly sometimes hurt so bad.}

It happens too most of us parents with children who have disabilities. We hear all kinds of statements "You are amazing, I could never do it." "It must be so hard". "I can't imagine how tiring it must be." "You have so much on your plate, I couldn't imagine the challenges."
We hear it all.

Now I am not writing this blog about my life. So don't get confused or come at me with comments regarding my experiences.
Yes I did hear all of those wonderfully insulting things at one time or another, and at the time it stung so bad. Having had 20 years of experience living my life, today I have learned that those who have said to me "I couldn't do it". Meaning not being able to handle my life, I would have to say I agree. I have grown to see just how incredibly stupid and lazy some parents can be. Eeeeek did I say that out loud?
Today I am able to see exactly how hard Paul and I worked to give our kids the best possible life. Not much stopped us from living a full life. I have seen first hand how some parents just don't have it in them. I truly believe if given my circumstances they wouldn't have been capable of doing what we have done.

I am writing this post because there are many "new" mom's just entering this wonderfully chaotic life of raising a child with medically fragile conditions. Whether it be physically, cognitively, developmentally or mentally diagnosed circumstances. I want you too know that you will hear these words but do not for one minute let them make you feel poorly about your life situation.

Coming in after 20 years of raising a child with a few medical statuses, let me tell you...they mean no harm. They speak too soon without thinking what they are saying..and by today's standards of parenting they are probably right "They probably couldn't do it",

With all that said, for the most part you and I both know if anyone was thrown into our life they too would survive. We were thrown into our lives, without any warning and we are surviving.
We also have to admit, although things can be very difficult and challenging at times there isn't too much we'd change. Maybe we would change a few outside influences on our daily life, but we would all agree...we'd never change our children.

Sometime's their statements are true, we do have extra challenges that most parents don't have to deal with. Looking in from the outside our lives might look a little different from your's. I hope you do however recognize that our lives are very similar as well.

We may have extra appointments, hospital stays, changes in curriculum, health conditions and worrying situations that can change at any time. But we live our lives the same as anyone else. We start each day with a smile, breakfast, morning routines, school, extra-curricular activities, homework, bath time and bed time routine. We are the same, just sometimes there's extra things that need tending too. We love our children and our so thankful for their presence in our lives. I think all us parents with special needs children could agree that we have a little something extra. Its something no one else could understand unless you lived it. The love we have for our children is a extremely powerful force. You can argue that you too love you children more than anything else in this world. But us mom's who give thanks at the end of the day because our children are healthy, in their beds, warm and smelling the sweet scents of bath time bubbles...we never take that for granted. Every single night we sit down at the end of the day and give thanks for another beautiful day that ended without incident. I know for me, that has always been the best feeling.

If I am going to be honest, sometimes these comments made me feel like you felt my child must be difficult to love. That if you were given my situation you wouldn't be capable of loving or parenting my child. Sometimes I felt you were saying that you were fortunate that my child was not your's because that would be terrible or tragic. Now under my circumstances obviously it was tragic, the accident paralyzed my son. He became a quadriplegic at a very young age. Raising him however was not tragic. (Many of those statements came from parents I have spoken too over the years. I have never felt like anyone thought it would be difficult to love my child.)

My advice to anyone who may not understand what a family is going through while raising a child with special needs, is too just give encouragement. We are not looking for pity or praise, we just want you to understand that although we might have more on our plates our life isn't much different from yours. If you were to find yourself in my shoes whether through an accident or cancer, illness diagnosis YOU too would find it in yourself to persevere. It is human nature.

Always remember you are not above pain, suffering and tragedy. It can strike you at any time as well. SO live your life to the fullest, don't take anything for granted and love your life every single day.
Until next time my lovelies, good night and god bless~

Regrets

Regret: To feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
            :  To think of with a sense of loss

Regret, its a terrible word isn't it. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Although with that said, I am seasoned enough in life to know regret is what can sometimes change us even for the better. Life lessons, regrettable moments that can bring us to a place we didn't even know we wanted.

My mom has always told me do not leave this world with regrets. Don't grow old with pain in your heart. She's a wise woman that mom of mine.

I do not have many regrets. I have done well with my beliefs, values and faith. I haven't hurt anyone intentionally, I am giving, kind and speak my mind the best I can. I am still learning, but at least I am trying. Some people are just too closed minded, judgemental and unhappy to grow. I have made mistakes and yes I do have a few regrets. But nothing that I will effect me while I grow old.

Two regrets that I have are:
1. I have let some people into my life whom I shouldn't have,
2.and I have let some leave that I wish I hadn't.

I will live with those regrets, thankfully we have recovered from the ones I should have kept outside of my family. I have allowed some people to enter into my life, into my families life. People who I should have listened to my gut instinct. Now don't look too deeply into this, my children have never been affected by anyone whom I allowed in my home. Those who I should have kept at an arms length, who I let get too close, a few who found my weakness and tried to get in the parts of my life that doesn't belong to them. I am a very closed, protective mom, wife, daughter, aunt and sister...it takes a lot in order for me to trust you. I regret not listening to my instincts, and I was the one to get hurt. That's ok, I learned.

The ones who I should have held on too tightly I do believe if they are meant to be...our paths will cross again some day. *Fingers crossed*
If by chance they do not cross, then that is ok too.

One regret that I have its one that haunts me today....I am still angry with myself over this.
Back when Paul and I were just living together, we had our first apartment in Preston. Paul surprised me with a puppy. She was a girl, lab/sheppard cross and we called her Taya.

(Taya and I posing while I'm pregnant with Braden)

She was OUR first pet together. Shortly after Taya joined us, I got pregnant with Braden. Things moved along well, Taya was a great girl. She was present with the pregnancy, she kept me company while Paul worked. When I brought Braden home from the hospital Taya stayed close. She was gentle and loving towards Braden. 

(She loved him, I'm so sorry I wasn't a better dog owner at that time. So sorry Taya)

But, because we were young and both working on careers we didn't have the time Taya needed. Not too mention we were both fairly young with a new baby. She was a hyper girl who should have been with a family who had more time to walk her, run with her and train her. She eventually started to ruin our furniture. She tore apart our couch one day, then she got a piece of our love seat. It was so sad, Paul had worked so hard to purchase that furniture for us. We were so excited when we moved into our new home and had furniture that we owned, that we bought together.
Paul was furious, he ended up getting really angry with Taya and I noticed his behaviour towards her changed. I could tell he didn't want her anymore. He was right, we didn't have the life for her. It broke my heart.
My 45 year old self would have told my 20 year old me that I had no business getting a puppy at that stage in my life. We were not stable enough to have a puppy. Not too mention we were young, and planning too start a family. We had no training, no patience and no time. Do NOT get a puppy just because you feel you want one. Be sure you have all your ducks in a row.
We sent Taya off with a man who seemed very happy to be getting her. Again, we didn't look into where she was going. We asked questions, but we didn't look into her new home. I will forever regret that. The only thing I can be thankful for is we did get her spayed. So I know she wasn't used for breeding and we gave her the best start to life we could. I hurt for her, I wish we would have followed her life through. I loved her, I just wasn't ready for the commitment.
SO there it is. All my secrets and sorrows shared to the public. I am ashamed for what happened to Taya. I am sure you can imagine how much pain I feel with the love and commitment we have for our dogs today. I hope and pray you had a wonderful life, after you we didn't get another dog until we owned our own home. We had a backyard, 2 beautiful children and much more time and energy as well as resources we needed to be successful pet owners.

Well my lovelies, I hope you are all doing well. If anyone is thinking of getting a dog at a time in your life that you are not in a stable position, please don't do that too a dog. They are a life time commitment. They deserve to have one family, not to be given up on. Unless of course you can be certain your pup will be going to an amazing situation with people who will love, commit and provide for your family member. I am aware that situations change, I am not being judgemental to those who have sadly had to rehome their pets, my point is too really, really think about the circumstances of the bringing a new dog into your home. I did it once, and I will never do that again. EVER.

Why I left the nursing profession.

   ( So I'm very red in this picture, but its because we had just gotten back from Mexico. We had    been on holidays)

I graduated in 2008, after 2 years of a complete overhaul in my life I had achieved something I would never have dreamed of. I dedicated 2 full years to early morning classes, 12 hour shift placements, projects, homework assignments and group work projects. My whole family supported my desire to see this through.

When I first decided to go to school to become a nurse, there were many reasons why. As a 30 something year old woman, I needed a change. I just wanted something other than being a mom to define who I was.
Its a scary world when you are a woman who gives up her identity to be home to care for her children. I no longer had a job, I didn't have an income that registered as a career and I was loosing my identity as a woman. I was lost. To be completely honest I was scared. I didn't know who I was, I had started out as an Early Childhood Educator in life but due to unforeseen circumstances that all changed.
My kids had come to a certain age where I wasn't needed as much, both were in school full time and had active healthy lifestyles. I was so proud of that. But I was lost.
There are some things I want to leave private about my life, somethings are meant for Paul and I. But I will say we were working very hard at saving our marriage, we both needed to do some work on ourselves before we could come back together in a healthy way.
So that's exactly what I did. I think the main reason I chose nursing was because I was already practically a nurse in my every day living. All the things I did at home were skills that I could bring forward into a nursing career. I had worked along side many nurses, doctors, surgeons, specialists and therapists for years...why not get paid for it.
I also knew as Braden grew his needs would change, and so would his condition. I needed to be educated so that I could make sure his needs would be met. I wanted to become the best possible advocate I could be.
Nursing it was, looking back today I think I should have went into Social Work. Doing what I do today with work I have a higher tolerance for counselling than nursing.
Don't get me wrong, while I was working I absolutely loved helping others. I am a nurturer by heart and being able to assist someone to reach their highest level of health was my desire. I loved seeing patients recover and go home.
Those were the good days.
However that was not always the case, you see sometimes they didn't recover and that my friends eventually tore me up.

As you know, I have PTSD. I was diagnosed years ago with anger issues. I didn't have the coping skills back in the day to deal with the stress and anxiety of my "new" life. So I sought treatment through psychology services and managed to stabilize myself for quite a few years. Honestly I didn't have time to take care of many issues arising in my mind so I ignored them and powered through about 10 years. We were a busy family, and although the PTSD lingered I was always so grateful for the fact that we were all still here and moving forward as a family. We were too busy having fun. Always doing things together, trips, parties, camping, boating, swimming, weekend get always...we had so much to celebrate, we always made the best of it. But the PTSD was always there.
Eventually all the years of having a hidden monster residing in my mind, heart and soul it took a toll. Instead of reaching out for more Psychological counselling, I decided to go back to school. I wanted to change a piece of who I was. I will never ever regret that choice, because it got me through a very difficult time in my life.
I know people may think I went back to school to get a job, to work in a hospital, and to have a successful career. The truth was, I did it for me. NOT for the work.
I had to prove to myself that I had it in me. That I was strong. If I ever found myself on my own as a woman I could take care of myself.
SO don't get me wrong. I did work for 2 years after my schooling. I worked at a hospital in the float pool and I did like it. My favorite place was Post partum and delivery. All those new babies and mom's. Working with happy families, seeing the love and admiration for their new bundle of joy was something I loved. But the PTSD lingered. Eventually thoughts returned, I would look at that new mom with her beautiful baby but something inside me was sad. I struggled knowing that I too was happy and so in love with my new bundle, but only a short 15 months after that moment in my life everything dramatically changed. When you suffer from PTSD flashbacks, thoughts, fears and anxieties are things that you can not control. I powered through for as long as I could. I felt weak, I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. I also didn't feel like I had the right to feel the way I did. Let it go...why are you still "focusing" on that time in your life. I didn't understand the significance of what I was going through and how it was going to forever be a part of my life.
I was good at my job. I was always getting compliments on my work and families seemed to enjoy having me as a nurse.

(One of the wonderful letters I received while working in maternity. I do very much miss that job, I was very lucky to have been offered that floor. I remember this family, the mother and father were very much struggling with breast feeding. The father was showing some signs of aggression towards the nursing staff. So they were quite frustrated with this couple, in my opinion no one was taking the time to explain things accordingly to them. Its amazing how communication can defuse a problem, when you take the time to care~)

I did have to work on the stroke unit as well as surgical, and those days were challenging. I remember walking into a woman's room and she was 42 years old. She had a stroke and was so young. Her kids were there, her husband was supportive but I shut down. When I walked in, I had some pretty serious flashbacks. They had a picture mobile over her bed, and family photo's on the window pane. So desperately trying to bring back the mother they once knew. The pain in their faces, the desperation in their voices literally paralyzed me. It wasn't something that I had expected to experience. How could I be the best nurse possible when I was not present "In that moment". Its exhausting to put away real emotions, fears, panic attacks and anxieties when you are trying to "encourage" someone to heal, rehabilitate and focus on their health and recovery.
Do I miss it?
Yes, some day's I do. I do still feel like a nurse. You don't forget the skills you've learned and although I am not practicing much of my nursing techniques in a working environment. I still have a job that requires much of my time and attention. I also am very aware of what I would need to do inorder to upgrade if I ever did decide to register again and work in the hospital.
Chances are...I won't return. I am pretty content with what I have going on right now. But if I change my mind. Then I know what I have to do!!

My friends I could go on and on about my experiences. I suppose the purpose of this post is too put too rest for some why I stopped working as a nurse outside of my home. I know some people might think I went through all that school and only worked for 2 years, what a waste of time. Too me it was not, I healed a part of me that no one could understand. It gave me the confidence to move forward in my life, empowered me to be the best advocate I could be and it allowed me the strength to be independent. I will never regret my choice to become a nurse, I will always have that title and no one can take that away from me~
Until next time my lovelies, good day and god bless~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter #76~ Love Your Children for whothey are, not for what you want them to be~

Love Your Children for who they are, not for what you want them to be~

Well Fox, as you know even from tonight's chats this one was a challenge for me at times. We had a lovely walk this evening and I love our talks. I hope you always remember this conversation we shared tonight especially when you become a mommy~

As I was explaining to you earlier, when you have a child you automatically assume your baby is going to be "everything you've imagined". Especially with you being a girl, I had just figured I'd have this bubbly little girl floating around the world with the happiest brightest smile I ever did see. I mean in my dreams long before you were even considered a twinkling light in my mind, I had always wanted a spunky, high-spirited little girl.

To my surprise, god had other plans for my perfect daughter~

Now I am not saying you were not happy, I know you had a wonderful childhood with not too many worries or concerns related to family life, stability or safety.  I am not dismissing the seriousness of some things you endured being a sister to medically fragile brother. You DID NOT have it easy by any means and the stress at times in our home was deafening.
I am proud however that through it all, we still managed to remain a family. We always put each other first and your happiness was always of the utmost importance.
It really is so nice that we can look back at you as a child and chuckle.

Tonight you asked me if I felt due to your brother receiving so much outside attention from others that maybe that had an effect on your personality and demeanor.

(This was one of those times when your Brother was getting lot of attention. It was Make a Wish for him, and you were having none of it)

Maybe Fox it did, I do know at times you resented him for all the attention he got. I know it must have been very hard to watch even strangers come up and talk to him. Give him their blessings, some even passed him money. We did our best with the effects that may have had on you. If you remember, anything Braden received he would have to share, or donate to charity.

We really did try to compensate for the lack of societies awareness of your presence. Please know, deep down I loved that they saw you as a "normal" child. All I ever wanted was a "normal" family.
If you really think about it, how do you think Braden felt? If anything it made him feel different from us. I didn't expect you to understand that as a child, we did our best~

I find it hilarious that your old friends, and the new ones you've met have discussed your b**ch face with you. Some admitting they were scared of you. I LOVE that Fraser called you a "Miserable Git" pretty much through all your school years. 

Here you were with all your excitement during your school Christmas play, lol sorry fox..its just too cute!)

 

LOL...the ones who know you, know better. I admire the ones who have stuck by you, the ones who accept you for who you are. Regardless of what you are portraying on the outside, your true friends know you on the inside. They are able to share in your excitement even if you have a "face on". LOL

{I remember doing this photo shoot, it was for my practice but also an encouraging time to show you how to relax and smile. lol...it went well :)

Now, I know you are not a miserable person. I also know you are a whole lotta shit kickin fun. You are a straight shooter who sees through bullshit faster than anyone can smell it. You don't work to please anyone, and you are not too concern of what others think of you. I LOVE THAT!

But it has taken me a very long time to get here.

You see, I use to worry all the time. Why doesn't my daughter come running out of gymnastics laughing and screaming, happy, smiling and dancing all the way to the van? NO, my lil'freckled fox couldn't give a fuck that gymnastics was over, she wanted her juice box and that was the extent of her happy thoughts. 

(Well here's classic example of you lack of enthusiasm with gymnastics. As you can see, you didn't have your mind in it. You had other things going on, obviously you were thinking about getting the hell out of there as soon as possible. lol)

Tonight you had the best possible answer ever and Fox you continuously amazing me with your smarts, analogies and life knowledge.
I asked you why (in a joking way) "why didn't you ever come out of gymnastics or skating lessons laughing and smiling?". Your response was classic Kail...."Cause I already reached happy", I didn't need others to know it.
Happiness on the inside is the secret to all success and you had that figured out long before anyone else I know.

Our beautiful girl~

You out of anyone on this earth have taught me so much about life~

It has taken me well into my 40's to understand I do not need to impress anyone. That I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Here you are a 4 year old little girl with the confidence of a lion. Of course at the time I was insecure and couldn't figure out why my brilliant little girl wasn't skipping out of the gym grabbing at my purse for your "after activity snack". You have always been the calm cool collected girl. Sometimes I wanted that little spirited child, the one smiling, running and hopping for attention. That just wasn't you...and I had to learn to love that~

It has taken me some time to realize that nature sometimes over rules nurture while parenting. You see, the traits you share are with your father. He too has never succumbed to pleasing people. That intimidates some, and you my darling have that natural ability. NEVER lose it. This is what will make you a successful woman in todays world.
In todays world of social media, selfies, show-offs and "look at me's", you are not effected by it. Not that there is anything wrong with "sharing" what you look like on Instagram. I just admire the fact that you don't find it necessary. I love that~

So lets get back on track here. This post is written to leave you with some parenting knowledge, something I want you to always remember when you become a mom.

Love your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be~

Just because you may want your children to grow up and become professionals, models, brilliant scientists, doctors, or lawyers. It doesn't mean its what they want. As long as you know they have the attitude that they can always better themselves through life experience, education and pursuing goals. If they are determined, independent, law abiding citizens. LOVE THEM.
As parents we all have hopes and dreams that our children will become successful, hardworking adults. Sometimes children have other plans, they become artsy, free-spirited individuals floating around society in a haze. LOVE THEM.
If you are confident in your parenting, and they have all the tools they need to define their own success...then my darling you have done a wonderful job. Let them find their own way in this world,  let them leave their stardust everywhere.
Sometimes they will take longer to find themselves, that's ok. If you provide an environment filled with love, trust and respect your children will always want to strive for a better life.
It is one of the hardest things as parents to do, allowing your adult children to pursue the dreams that you did not have for them. Its a loss, and sometimes we mourn the ideas we had specifically for them.
That includes all their choices and decisions, you must give them room to grow and develop into the lovely person they want to be. Like I said, it may not be what you had dreamt on the day they were born. However  I promise if you choose to understand their wishes you'll get to know them on a level you could only ever imagine. Be open to change, and love them regardless~

I love you my Freckled fox and you continue to make us proud.
My lovelies, until tomorrow good night and god bless~

                    Freckled Fox