I'm well aware that many of us have moments like this in our lives. I am not the only one who has been challenged at times. But I choose to share these things publically on my blog not for attention or even pity, but because I am proud of the way we handled each thing thrown our way. When I look back and read these journaling, scrapbooking pages and passed times it is then I realize just how we became who we are. I really like us, and not many can say that.
I suppose maybe somewhere out there, someone will read this post and take away with them any sort of advice or knowledge. We didn't have the internet back when I was going through our hard times, well..on this day yes we had internet but not during the initial accident. The only support we had was with doctors, nurses, therapists, social workers, friends and family. It wasn't possible to google something that could relate to what we were going through, we went in blind and had to find our own light.
When I share these times with you, remember I am only doing it because I have a desire to write. Once again, I am not looking for attention, pity or advice. We have long passed these days, and we have happily moved on living a very productive life. No one in our family is stuck in the past, we do not dwell on things or relive them in anyway. My writing is a form for me to remember events, visit a time that was so important to our growth.
When Kailey started Kindergarten, Braden had been admitted into ICU at MacMasters University Hospital. It was such a busy time, and I do not actually have a lot of memories around this time.
Kailey's first day was exciting for her, we did our very best to keep it ALL about her. You don't realize how much it can turn your house upside down when one of your children is chronically ill. Although Kailey was not new to her brother being hospitalized, she definitely was able to sense the fear, uncertainty and pain that surrounded each time it happened.
Paul and I as well as my parents were always aware of that and we did our very best to make sure her little world was unaffected as much as possible. I wish I could remember what we had done the night before her first day. I don't recall what we did for dinner, what we discussed or if I was even home. My parents had taken over the house at this time. Paul would have done night time with Braden in ICU and I would have done daytime. We always had someone at his bedside.
I cannot even recall how we pulled off Paul and I both being available to take Kailey to school. I know for sure we both were there. My gut tells me, Paul left the hospital and came home earlier in the morning so that we could take Kailey to school. After we dropped her off, I would have taken the van to the hospital and he would have headed back home to get some sleep, parents don't get to sleep a lot when staying with someone in ICU, too many bells and whistles going off. Not to mention the numerous times nurses pop in and out of the room to check on Braden and his vitals.
I so remember the feeling I had when I left her in that kindergarten room that morning. I had a huge lump in my throat. I was so excited for her, happy to see her in a classroom making some friends. She was growing up, eager to see what was going to happen in her little life. Who she will make friends with, will she participate in class, like her teacher, what will be her favorite part of her day.
However, I still had an underlying nagging feeling that Braden was still lied up in a hospital bed fighting for his life. In one moment I am beaming with pride, holding Paul's hand while we watch our baby go off too sit on the carpet to listen to her teacher. But the minute you turn your back to walk out of the room our reality hit hard. It's exhausting going from one extreme to another.
Not only was Braden in hospital at this time, he was also missing out on his first day of school. I do remember how upset he was about that. He loved to be with his friends, and he was so happy to have Kailey attending the same school as him. It's a big deal when your sister comes to school with you. We had no idea when Braden would be released from the hospital, it didn't look like anytime soon.
My parents were there during this time, they would pick Kailey up from school at lunch time. They would bring her home and she would have lunch, spend a few moments with Paul before he headed back to the hospital. My parents would take her to gymnastics, get her dinner, take care of laundry, house cleaning, bath time, story time and bed time. Every night...for weeks and weeks. Paul and I would have been destroyed without them there, we will be forever grateful to them for all they did. I would get home and my parents would go home. We would repeat that daily.
Things I am thankful for during this time:
My husband and his strength and support
My parents and their strength and support
My home for the comfort it provided
My van, because it got me too and from the hospital safely.
My mom for all the home cooked meals
The MacDonalds in Dundas,Hamilton for the late night drive threw cheeseburgers and strawberry milkshakes
The doctors, their knowledge and support
The nurses for their support, knowledge, allowing us the freedom to be a family even while in ICU
Harley, for listening closely and never judging
For my friends who listened
For the optimistic outlook I worked hard at every day
For my bed, because at the end of the day it was my soft place
For my husbands positive outlook and continued belief that we were going to be ok
There are so many things, I am sure I am missing a few. Its baffling that during trauma it simply is the small things that help you get through the day. I will never forget what it was like when mom would say "Dinner is in the microwave"....to know a warm meal is waiting for me. That was comforting. Or to have that 45 min. drive home to myself to recharge, listen to music and unwind..sometimes savoring the sweet taste of a MacDonalds Cheeseburger.
I chose to throwback this time in my life, because Paul and I recently dropped Kailey off once again to school. Her first year in University, we once again came together during a happy time. It was a different experience this time, the feelings were the same as her first day of kindergarten. We had to leave her, walk away knowing she's on her own. I wonder if she'll make friends, if she'll like her teachers, if she'll participate in class...
I know for sure, this time when we dropped her off she had the tools from life to make the very best of anything that came her way. She isn't that little girl anymore, she has all the ability to make her dreams come true.
When Paul and I drove away that afternoon, leaving her with her friends in residence. We reflected on her first day of kindergarten, how quickly it went by. I cannot believe how fast it all happened. SO much has changed, and yet everything is the same. We still left her that day with a lump in our throats...holding hands~
