I have been keeping this topic very quiet for many years and have decided to break my silence. With the support from my parents and of course permission I am going to share with you some things
that we as a family have been going through. It can be very frustrating and difficult to live with a family member who has an addiction and alchohol abuse problem. Its even more of a problem when you are as close as a family as we are.
We didn't just watch him fight this addiction, we also fought it with him, desperatly trying to get him clean and healthy. Many of you have absolutely NO idea what we have gone through, and most of you will never understand unless of course you too have dealt with the same thing. Below is a letter that I wrote to a rehab center insupport of my brothers attempt to recover. *
Everything in italic's are my thoughts regarding the above paragraph that you just read* My purpose of this post is
NOT to throw my brother under the bus or to display his dirty laundry all over the internet. The reason for this post is to let those of you who know us, why we have chosen to no longer allow SM to affect us in a negative way. I feel some of those who do not know the whole story have been told things that are not true, that you may have been persuaded by others to believe something else. Please understand that our lives have not always been like this...many years prior to SM's addiction we spent many wonderful fun years with him included..and for this reason our choices were heart breaking.
I also feel for those of you who happen to stumble upon this blog post and may be going through something similar in your life, then maybe you can take something away from my experiences and from this raw honesty. Find it in yourself to not be judgemental..as you are not living my life, you are unaware of my situation, therefore no one has any business judging or critisizing our decisions.
This letter was written for a program my brother was doing about a year ago. My family was asked to write letters to them regarding our relationship with SM and how his addiction has affected our family. You will find that I have repeated myself frequently throughout the letter...I did not alter it much for this post...each paragraph was in response to a question. I only hope you can come away with an understanding of how much we love SM, how much we supported him and how much we have done to see him get healthy. Until he realizes that...we know much growing is still needed.
To whom it may concern,
First off what comes to mind is sadness. As a person I am
mostly sad that my brother has had issues with drugs and alcohol. I miss SM he was such a strong, constant man in my world who I admired and leaned on in
time of need. He was one of my favorite person’s to sit and laugh with, tell
stories and we defended eachother constantly. I am sad that I no longer have
this relationship with SM. I am sad that he thinks his problems are “all my
fault”.
*So clearly his problems are not all my fault, i have nothing to do with his addictions, and neither does my family..however it is very common for addicts to blame everyone else but themselves. They become masters at convincing themselfs and others that they are victims, and we are at fault. Eventually we got smart and realized were enabling him...once we backed off, we were again thrown under the bus as "non supportive' and "unkind, selfish pricks". In reality we took our lives back and stopped his abuse from entering our lives*
A second feeling that
comes to mind is anger. I am angry that SM let his life get so out of
control, and he has managed to let our family down. We are a very close family who needs one
another...not having SM here has been very difficult. I am angry that he has
put me in a position where I had to ask him to leave my house and he had to
live on the streets. He did a rehab program in our city hospital and I
supported him every single day. Being a very busy mom of a special needs young
boy at the time and a baby girl, I still made time out of my busy schedule to
be there for him. We even brought him home from his program, offered him a
place to stay, warm food and family support. He lasted one day without
drinking. The second day he returned to our home. I was in the middle of saying
goodbye to a physiotherapist who was working with my handicapped son and
waiting for a homeschool tutor to arrive. At the same time I was cooking dinner
and waiting for my husband to come home from work, which he then had to leave
quickly with our daughter for her skating lesson. My brother came home that
second day drunk, he had stolen some alcohol and decided to relapse. This was
in the middle of February, it was cold out. SM came into my home...he was
sloppy, agitated and causing a scene in the middle of my day. I was embarrassed
as I had two professionals working with my son. I knew right away that he
couldn’t stay. He had to go…I was devastated. I was scared of him as well..I
was worried he’d get mad at me and cause a scene. I asked him to leave, he
wasn’t happy with me...but what was I to do with 2 young children and a very
busy household? My drunk brother standing in my kitchen on a Tuesday at 4:00pm
in the afternoon. Having to throw him out of my home is something that ripped
me apart. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…I am angry at
him for this.
*Let me mention that we had him live with us on numerous occations. I will also state even though he claims today that we were not supportive of him, my husband gave him a car, did his resume, and helped him look for a job. All this time was being taken away from his ow n family, time spent with his kids or even myself. We paid off loans, leant him money...all over the course of at least 7 years. Yes 7 years of accepting his addictions, trying to "save" him and allowing him to walk all over us, and to just think some people actually believe him when he says "we were not supportive, we didn't help him with his rehab." Stupid. Everyone I am sure was thinking I was the one getting all the support and attention...when in fact, there were numerous times his needs came before mine. Can you imagine the strain on my parents through those years? Trying to support their daughter and son-in-law during their trying times, but having a son with an addiction demanding their time and attention as well. Wasn't easy through those years and anyone who has thought anything other than my parents being saints, can go join my brother in his quest of self pity and selfishness. My brother for not one second came short of any attention and love, in fact he recieved just as much if not more.*
I have always looked after my brother right from childhood.
He is 4 years younger than I and it was my job from a certain age to get him
ready in the morning as a young child and out the door to school. As teens we
were fairly close. He stood beside me through many childhood disagreements in
the schoolyard, and I beside him as well. We didn’t always see eye to eye with
our parents and as teens we consoled eachother through troubles or
disagreements we had with our parents. At this time in my life, I miss him. I
miss him beside me during difficult times. He is one man who has always
believed in me…I’m angry that he no longer stands beside me…as a brother. We
have missed his presence immensely, recently we put our 13 year old yellow lab
to rest…SM loved Harley and SM shared many moments with us as a family
with our dog and children. We missed him here that day…I was sad. SM is
someone who I use to know always had my back, even as a grown woman..he would defend
me regardless of the situation. I did him as well until he gave me no reason to
defend him anymore. I am angry that I had to let him go and I was forced
through circumstances to focus on his son. I had to let a man go in my life,
inorder to see his own son. I’m so angry that SM allowed this too happen, I
felt it was up to him to take responsibility, step up and get help inorder to
see his son.
* It may sound like I have alot of anger built up against SM, in fact..right now..I do. He and I were very close, and it wasn't always bad. We were very close, and I love him regardless of his choices. I will always be here for him, if he needs me. However, I will not be here if he is using alcohol or drugs socially, recreationally or any other way. Once an addict always an addict and if is even having the occassional alcohol beverage..he is NOT rehabilitated. Another important factor when recovering from an addiction is acceptance. This is something he has not done, he is not taking ownership for the pain he has caused us. He still blames us for his problems and that is not ok, and I can choose to not allow him in my life until he apologizes and owns up to his mistakes. Every single proper rehab centre states...the importance of aplologizing and taking ownership for your part in a "broken" relationship..this is something he has not done.*
I am angry that I
have had to step up and financially assest in his son’s needs, I love my nephew
and would do anything for him however SM not providing for Ethan has only
made me step up to do so. Buying him things that he needs because his mother
can’t afford to do it all on her own. I am angry that SMhas never taken
responsibility for anything that he has done. What he has put his girlfriends
through, his son, his parents, his friends and his family. I feel SM hasn' t taken any ownership in any of these things and that hurts. Are we not worthy of
an apology or an acknowledgement for the things we did for SM.
*. It was a choice for our family to put an expectation on SM to be clean and sober inoder to be a part of this family. It was not an easy thing to do, it ripped my mother apart and almost ruined their marriage. It even almost came between my parents and myself. Thankfully all parties involved recieved the proper treatment and counselling and we now have a healthy outlook and are very positive with our choices. We are content and calm with how we choose to proceed with our future as a family. Unfortunatly it is SM who has chosen to not follow through with our family expectatations to make his life healthier in order to be a part of our lives.*
His drug and alcohol abuse has ripped our family apart. We
have cried through many Christmas’s and holidays wishing he was there. I am
angry of the problems it has caused in my marriage. I always wanted to bail
SM out of problems and predicaments…wanting to “Save” him. My husband
feeling pressured to make me happy, he would agree but then SM would only
cause stress and anxiety in our marriage. We have bailed him out financially,
never asking for anything in return except to get help and live a clean stable life while also holding down a
job, and to provide for his son.
As for me, sitting here as SM sister I believe the
hardest part is missing him. I feel that he blames me for many things, that he
doesn’t see the choices I had to make were for the best interest of my own
family. His alcohol use and lifestyle was exhausting, I didn’t have the
strength to hold him up all the time. Every time he relapsed or found himself
in trouble it frustrated me. I wanted to help him, but soon I came to realize
that helping and enabling were two different things. I just had to sit back and
wait for my mom to realize this. We made a choice to save our family, without
SM and his substance abuse. This was very hard for me, because I love him.
My relationship with SM is
strained, we are not speaking right now and I feel he blames me for it. I feel
that he’s mad at me and wants to put the problems in our family on me. I will
admit that he is wonderful with my children and he recently reached out to my
son. He also has spoken to my mom on occasion. For whatever reason, he never
wants to talk with me and that is why I feel like this. If SM were to get
the help he needed to function as a healthy citizen in our community I would do
everything I could to reconnect and develop a relationship with him. I want
SM to take ownership for his life, stop relying on others to take care of
him. SM will have to give me the time I need to trust him again, however I
will stand beside him and help him through any programs that he needs to become
healthy. I want nothing but the best for SM, he is an amazing guy who
unfortunately took the wrong path. I do not believe its too late for him, I think
SM is capable of anything if he puts his mind to it. I want SM to know
that I love him and hope that he is in this program to help himself, because
we’d be very happy to see him again and have him in our lives.
*Every word wrod spoken is the truth, I miss him dearly and would love to have be in our lives....but under our circumstances. We are a very close family that works very well together...we have too. If he chose to rejoin us, it would be wonderful. We all miss his presence.*
Our family is a very strong one, we
have been through a lot together. There has been bad times, difficult times but
many many happy times. Unfortunately SM is not presently involved with our
family. It was a decision we all made to ask SM not to return to us unless
he had completed a Drug and rehab program. I am thrilled to know SM is
currently enrolled at your Center. SM does not have a relationship with his
son and that is heartbreaking. Our family is very angry with SM over this situation.
He has a son who loves him, wants to be with him and SM has chosen up until
now to not fix the problems he had in order to see Ethan and his family. You
see, there are many reasons why we had asked SM not to be apart of our
lives. He was involved with lying, stealing, drugs, police charges,
unemployment and simply not functioning in our society. He was exhausting us,
he was also dividing us. My mom sadly enabled SM for sometime, not seeing
what was really happening in his life. Our mom only wanted what was best for
her son, she paid his rent, drove all over town to pick up SM son, she
would buy SM food and even take him places with his son. All the time SM not repaying her and taking full advantage of my mom. This caused problems
between my parents and they started to have marriage problems. This actually
almost split my parents up. It was very difficult for my dad and I too sit back
and watch all what my mom was doing to enable him. This situation also affected
my relationship with my mom as I had to stay quietly by her side and accept
what she was doing or I felt she’d get mad at me. Thankfully after SM abandoned his son at Christmas my mom decided to get some help through a
program for parents of adult children with substance abuse. This program gave
my parents the tools to help them cope with guilt, anger and anxiety regarding
SM and his lack of awareness.
It has not been easy not having
SM around. We miss him terribly and wish he was present in our lives. We have continued on in our lives enjoying
Ethan and having him spend time with us. We do have to answer questions at
times when he asks about his father and that can be challenging. We do see how
hard it is for Ethan not having his dad, especially since we know how wonderful
of a father SM could be. We struggle when my mom or myself take Ethan out
ice skating and Ethan sees his friends with their dads. It affects Ethan and
that upsets us, we have tried to compensate for SM absence but Ethan wants
his dad and we can’t do anything about that. As a family we are waiting
patiently for SM to get the help that he needs. My mom has never given up on
hope for SM to receive treatment and come back to our family with a new
insight and understanding of a healthy lifestyle. We pray to have the chance to
work with SM in the future to rebuild our relationships and learn to trust
in him as we once did. Good luck to my brother, you are a pillar of strength..
continue to believe in yourself. Go Forward, we are waiting! Much love,
Chrissy.
To make things clear..the only expectation we have put on SM is to complete successfully a rehab program, hold down a job to be self sufficient, take care of his son, re-build a relationship with his family, and to own up to his part in this journey. To give him some credit over the years he has attempted some programs, and I do believe at this time he is not using drugs. As a family we find it difficult to believe he is rehabilitated completly due to his lack of acceptance, and he still continues to consume alcohol. Anyone who is familiar with addictions knows its not ok to drink any kind of substance related to alcohol. He is also currently seeing his son, which is great! I hope that his son is getting what he needs from his father...one thing for sure when SM does have his son, he gives him all his time and attention. They do have fun together..so thats nice. Well my friends, I am off..until tomorrow good night and god bless~
