All of a sudden she changed, and no longer cared at all~

I LOVE THIS!

 

I can not express enough how true this quote is. I honourably hope to bring justice to this quote with how I interpret the meaning.  I feel it expresses who I am building towards becoming.

I think it may scare some people. I actually think some are already feeling the effects of this quote in my life. With that I must say...I don't care.

You see there are two types of people in the world, the takers and the givers. Maybe technically I should say..there are 3 types of people, because then we have to remember the person I am becoming. The one who sits directly in the middle, the one who I feel is the most content.

In order to be this  person you must at sometime been a giver, someone who works endlessly to make the takers happy. Giving up their own time, energy, love and self-worth just to see the taker smile. Pleasing, wanting, needing the acceptance of that person.

If you don't already know, I recently had a lapse in my life. A moment of fear, uncertainty and possibly even a loss of self. I found myself at the bottom once again, except this time my family for the first time ever witness what its like for me to be at the my most vulnerable.

I scared my children.

I have never ever in all my years of growing, changing and evolving scared my own children.

When a mom shows a side to her kids that causes them to become frightened or nervous, possibly even panic-stricken. It is then your job to undue that anxiety.

In 20 years it was the first for them see me brought to my knees, and you know what? Its ok, they know i'm human.

Initially, I was upset with myself and worried how was I going to undo the damage I had done. Both Paul and I have been very good with keeping our emotions, fears and anxieties cloaked.

Hidden~

 Let me explain, most of you know that I have PTSD. Its a condition that effects me at different times and stages in my life. I have done a really good job not letting it surface especially while home being a mom. I have never let drugs or alcohol take away the pain and fear. I have always taken it head on, dealing with things as they came to me.

Back in the day my PTSD would be triggered with something like a microwave going off, it would sound like a hospital monitor and flashes of memories would come back. Other times it was scents, the smell of Pampers I couldn't stand. I had to switch to Huggies just to be able to change my babies. Smells like certain cleaning supplies, anything related to hospitals. Cartoons, music, children's books...anything could bring me back to a time of fear. It actually got so bad I ended up having to quit my job at the hospital. I thought I was going to be ok, but I struggled constantly.

Today I battle with looking back at photo's, hospital visits can send me into panic attacks, doctor appts. when Braden gets sick, when Kailey doesn't answer a text, when Paul is driving too work. Sometimes just walking into Braden's bedroom in the morning brings back painful memories. It's the flashbacks really...they will haunt me forever but I will find a way once again to deal with them.

I live in constant fear something bad is going to happen, it never goes away.

When I had my melt down, and sadly my kids saw that I then decided I had to show them how strong I can be.

I knew then I had to get some help and re-learn how to handle stressful moments with PTSD. I had the tools, but over the last few years I've lost them. I need a refresher course, so that's exactly what I am doing. I also feel its very very important to show you children even when adults that its ok to "get help". As a parent you are constantly modelling behavior. One of my biggest concerns is that I teach my kids, and illustrate healthy ways to deal with all the crappy things life can throw at you.

Although, I found myself in tears uncontrollably sobbing because I had so many bottled up feelings and frustrations....the very next day I pulled my big girl pants up and made a phone call to get myself the direction needed to help myself.

Lesson one; It's ok to be scared.

Lesson two: It's good to identify it.

Lesson Three: Pick yourself up

Lesson 4: Its good to seek help

Lesson 5:Never be ashamed

Lesson 6: Apply the "new tools" you receive from your source of help

 

And that's indeed what I did. Again.

Because yes...I have been here before and I know I will be here again.

I decided immediately after I saw the reaction of both my children that I would bring them along on this journey. I had to follow through with my plan, and show them how to properly deal with and recover from a state of bewilderment.

 

Lets get back to the quote.

 

Why its so powerful to me is because something I am dealing with as well is the feeling of guilt. I have lived many years with so much guilt. I have felt I have needed to make everyone in my life happy.

 

Please do not get me wrong, one of the downfalls of over sharing is that people may look to deep into this post. I would never write anything that would jeopardize a relationship with a person whom I love.

 

What I am going to try to explain without sounding hateful, is how over the past 20 years I have worn myself out. I have given WAY to much of my time, energy and love to some who never really had any intentions of giving back. Some who were really never there. I have a lot of anger about that.

 

I also can't say NO.

 

But I can't even begin to express how tired I am, so tired of trying to make everyone else happy~

If they are smiling, then they aren't thinking of how my accident effected their life. Or maybe if I am a great friend, and give as much of myself as possible they won't think any less of me as a person or mother.

That is how my mind works, honestly its not you...it's me~

I do it to myself, I have for 20 years and now I am tired, and at times very angry.

 

Like this quote says.."And then all of a sudden She Changed.

                                    She came back a completely different person.

 

To my children, there is pain and at times I am sad. I know I scared you but I want you too know that I am working very hard to come back a different person. Not completely changed, cause I really do like me. I love who I am , I love my life and mostly I love you~

But I have some work to do, and I will come back "with a new mindset, a new outlook, and a new soul". Because that's what you do when your feeling broken.

 

"That girl that once cared way to much, About everyone and everything, No longer cared at all"

 

It takes some people a great amount of work to stop caring, especially when they have lived 20 years doing nothing but over-caring.

I don't mean I will stop caring about my family and friends lol..or about my charities, or future ambitions and family time. 

This is where I need to be careful with my explanations. I will care a lot less about the things that do not effect me directly. I am certainly going to stop caring about how I make myself feel. I will stop carrying about my guilt, my fears and my anxieties. I will focus more on not worrying about everyone else's happiness and put more effort into my own.

You see when you live through a trauma, or a catastrophe and you rebuild your life sometimes you have to put things on hold. Things like your own recovery or your own mental health take a back seat while your trying to build everyone else up.

It's my time, I feel its the right time. I finally have the time to take care of myself...the last time I hit this bump in the road I became a nurse. God knows what I'm capable of doing this time ;)

 

Like I promised, I am going to share in this continued journey of finding my confidence. I'm not embarrassed, I'm not worried about what others think. I am going to be honest, and I can only hope my experiences can help someone else.

Well my lovelies I am off, until tomorrow good night and god bless~