Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I think the number one compliment that I recieve is probably my/our ability to parent a special needs child. I seem to have a positive outlook on how I feel regarding the "rights" of those effected by a disability. I have not been perfect, and I have made some mistakes with making decisions regarding our son. However, when I am passionate and believe in something...nothing gets in my way to make it happen. I don't have all the answers nor do I think that I know everything...I do however believe in human rights and I may have a different idea of how to raise physically challenged children in our community. Maybe its because my son was born healthy, able bodied and perfect...don't get me wrong he is still perfect, but he is no longer able bodied. The day he was born a whole bunch of ideas ran through my mind about who Braden was going to be. He was going to be a hockey player, he would ride a bike, he would date and he would someday be valadictorian. After he was injured and our world was turned upside down... I promised him that all those things I new he would be, he would still be! Come hell or high water I would fight till the death for my son to accomplish what he was born to do and nothing would get in his way while doing so. It was our job to be sure he always had the best quality of life, why should any of our dreams for him have to change just because he could no longer walk? Maybe it was a bit of denial, maybe guilt....regardless of what it was, his opportunities in life were not going to change just because he was physically challenged. I have been offered many opportunities to help and advocate families of children with disabilities! I have always been available to parents and I love to encourage and inspire those who are new to this lifestyle.

With that attitude...not much was getting by me!
I have been asked numerously to speak to families, mothers, fathers and even community agencies so that I can express our thoughts and beleives

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Well there has been a couple that I have needed to let go of! One for sure was a girl that I met through one of Paul's work friends. Things started out normal with our friendship, I very much enjoyed her company and friendship. As time went on however things became a little crazy! She started calling me ALL the time...you might think "ooh big deal" but let me tell you..I Have NEVER been available to chat with anyone for an extended amount of time! Do you have any idea what its like to be a care provider to a child with extreme physical needs? Seriously...never did I get a chance to sit and chat on a phone..still today, I don't "talk" on the phone! Actually just as I sat down to write this blog my boy came out to ask me to do something "personal" for him...NO TIME friends when i'm on the clock!
So, this friend just couldn't seem to understand that she doesn't come first in my life...and I honestly beleive she struggled with that! She was a single white female, living independantly working in a home for mentally disabled women. All she had to worry about in her life was what she was going to make for dinner! We had different lives and different expectations for this friendship...it was eventually going to end!
Secondly, she started to keep track of what I was doing...who I was with, where I was going..etc etc. I felt like I needed to justify my actions to her! What grabbed my attention and ultimately ended our friendship was when she question why I was seeing another friend (who happens to live 20 mins from me and IS my best friend) and not her! I remember the scenerio clearly...I was in my 3 semester of school and having to work in a co-op placement full time as well as take care of my family. We were so stressed in school...and my mom had realized that I needed a night out! My mom organized a movie night with me, her and my best friend, and after that night I was asked to go to a fundraiser to help a classmate raise money for sick kids hospital as her younger brother had just passed away. This fundraiser was about an hour away from my town, and I had to get up the next morning at 5:30am to start work/co-op for 6:30 am at the hospital. Even though I new I would be exhausted, it was important for me to support that friend. I headed out that night and sadly could only stay for 2 hours...but I made sure I supported the event.
Well apparently this friend was keeping track of my news feed on facebook and was apparently upset that I have been spending time with others and not her!
Anyone who knows me, knows this would have sent me into a frenzy! I will not EVER justify myself to anyone...no one is my keeper! It didn't take me long to send her an email telling her how disappointed I was in her and I didn't appreciate her questioning my social life. Just for the record though...my mom was concerned about my mental state because of school, tests, co-op and keeping things afloat at home. So, she insisted that I go out to a movie with her and Candy..it was "me" time, otherwise I probably wouldn't have gone out with anyone! She then re-questioned me and argued with me about not being honest about seeing other friends....OH BOY!!
DELETE! that is exactly what I did to her on facebook, email and cell phione! Ok this was not the only reason why I let her go, there were many other reason's that I started to notice and didn't appreciate. I never felt bad about my decision and actually had some releif when she was gone! It was one less thing I had to worry about in my life!
There have been a couple others who I have let go...not as dramatically, I would have to say that was the worse!

Day 09→ Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Oh my goodness...I missed this one! Forgot to post it, so here is number 9!

Sadly there has been more than one....
We have had many people come in and out of our lives throughout the years and some of them i have actually cried over losing.
There have been 2 significant ones who I can think of off the top of my head. One was a friend that I met during my first years in college. Back in 1992, I made a great friend Amy...she was a keeper! I just adored her! We kept in touch through my marriage, birth of my son and even my car accident. Unfortunatly when her life turned a corner and she met a man who later became her husband....I struggled with depression. I did visit with her when her first child was born, and then we met up again later after her second child was born. We were at different stages in life, and I was extremely busy raising a child with special needs. She was extremely busy trying to run a household, and bringing in an income to help maintain their home. She just slipped away...it is something that I regret more than anything. She was a great friend, she stood beside me during a very difficult time in my life. Unfortunately I let her go...I was just trying to survive, I was a very sad person and felt I had nothing to offer her. I think deep down I had some jealousy issues because she had two beautiful healthy young children and I was fighting to keep my son alive, in and out of hospitals...it was a bad time for me! I will find her...and I will apologize for not being a better friend to her, and for letting her go!
Another person who I let go of is a male friend who at one time meant the world to me. He was another person who I regret letting go of. I think the reason he is gone is more circumstantial...we have different lives, different friends and I think we both struggled with how we fit into eachothers lives. I miss him, he always made me laugh and was a wondeful asset to my family. Maybe someday we will reconnect...until then I wish him nothing but happiness!
Those are the two off the top of my head who i've let go...there have been numerous doctors, nurses, therapists...families..etc etc.,
But I do believe that people come into our lives for certain reason's, some come and go and others stay! Thankfully the ones who have stayed are the one's I want beside me!!

Post 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Well there has been a few people through the years that have made my life a living hell...but as i've grown and matured i've come to realize that people will only treat badly if we allow them too. I don't really allow them too anymore!
Again I will have to say that these individuals have only popped up in moments of my life...some stand out more strongly than others. From my previous post you might recall the "bully" that I had back in junior high...that bitch stole a few good years from me!
I have had a few run in's with people over the years regarding things with Braden. Probably the absolute worse person that made my life(at the time) a living hell was a principle at my son's middle school. He was a PRICK! Oh my god...i hated him!! He was arrogant, ignorant and I truly believe a "women" hater! He was so rude to me...he hated me as well and I was totally ok with that...it was mutual! I use to do everything I could to just piss him off...I was just as ignorant back to him, every chance that I got! For 1 year I had to put up with him, thankfully a wonderful man came to the rescue and managed to get my son out of that school and placed him where he belonged. Braden was not allowed to go to the junior highschool in our neighborhood because the school was not accessible. We fought that school board for a year, verbal fights and accusations with principles, special ed teachers and even the schoolboard trustee. Eventually we won, and Braden was removed from that school and placed where he belonged with his friends.
This principle use to look down on me as I walked passed him in the hallway and arrogantly tell me "your not allowed in the school" or "Mrs.Martz we don't allow parents in the school". I would smile and say "sorry, I'm walking Braden to his class, what are you going to do?" He NEVER said hello to me, or kindly asked how we were, he never asked if Braden was happy or is there anything he needed? OMG..he was the worse.
I can't really say forsure that there was only one person who made my life a living hell but I will say the schoolboard did a good job almost destroying me, my marriage and my life! We fought and we won! HA. Oh and don't let me get started on some of the medical professionals that have made my life a living hell! There hasn't been many, but I do have stories that would make your skin crawl. Have a good night friends!! *Wink*

Day 7~Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There is not just one person who has made my life worth living! I will have to say my whole family has made my live worth living!!
It would be unfair to pick just one as we are a unit and each of them are equally important and inspiring to me. Each have their own role in my life, and all of them fit perfectly in my world and share their own special and unique qualities that make me want to live and love life daily. Their roles have changed through the years...I use to only be able to rely on Paul or my parents for emotional healing, but as Kailey gets older I find myself slowly and cautiously drawing to her. I mean she's still only 14 going on 30...but as she matures into a beautiful young women, I am loving who she is becoming as a person and I admire the qualities she has inherited. I don't want anyone to think that everytime I have a down day I run to my teenage daughter for support, because thats not the case. What I do get from her is usually a very realistic response, she listens (age appropritate topics) and she respects my thoughts and feelings. She is still to young to take on a role in my life as a "support"er, and I will NEVER put my "problems" or concerns on her..even as a grown up, will I do that to her! But, it is wonderful to know that we are on our way to a mother/daughter relationship that is growing and blossoming into something special...kinda like me and my mom!! That alone gives me reason to live!!
Paul has always remained my rock and constant form, even if he is just there! I was worked up one day last week and was feeling a bit out of sorts and frustrated, kinda lonely. He came home and just him sitting beside me on the couch after working all day..leaning in to kiss my ever so "unhappy" face made me remember that I am NOT alone in this, he is here with me!
I love to see him smile, I love that he makes me laugh...even when I try not too! I want to see him happy, I want to see him rest, play and enjoy the things we have together in our lives...I love that he kisses me goodbye every morning and then kisses me everynight before we sleep, we have been doing this for 18 years, and I still LOVE that its him! Thats worth living for!
Braden and I right now in life are struggling with our relationship. He seems to be "fighting" against everything I feel is of importance! His role is shifting in this family as is my role! We are trying to find how we fit into eachothers lives...I have always been his caregiver, nurse, therapist, nutritionist..etc etc, I am slowly learning to just be his mom!! Its tough when you've been in charge of so much and it gradually changes and you have no control over that! We are trying to figure it out, I am slowly backing off...my opinions are not as important to him, he is finding his own voice. I am proud of him...it means we did our job right! I would be more concerned if he didn't have an interest in living his own life, his way! I would be incrediably miserable if he relied on me for everything, and was insecure with himself and refusing help from others. Without him in my life, I would not have learned as much about happiness as i have today. I think its virtually impossible to pick just one person who has made my life worth living..because at different times in my life, its been different people!

Day 6~Something you hope you never have to do.

FIGHT CANCER! This question is probably the easiest one so far to answer. One of my biggest fears is being diagnosed with cancer. There are many people out there who fight and successfully beat cancer...and all I can say to them is "WAY TO GO"! I am amazed by those who take on something so feirce with strong determination and a will to never give up! I can relate to the internal strength you gain while undergoing the trials and tribulations of something so powerful, I admire those who continue to smile and battle through their long gruelling treatments. My own father battled bowel cancer and is a survivor for 13 years, he is a changed man because of this...a changed man for the better really. He's softer, calmer and more thankful, it was a terrible time for our family but we drew our swords, arms reached out and saddled up to win this crusade.
To all my friends and family who have struggled through a diagnosis of Cancer...you are my hero's! You are strong, and I pray that you can still see the beauty in your life. I hope that the poison which once flowed through your body did NOT over take your heart and corrupt your faith.
If you are reading my blog and fighting cancer today....my mother said to me a very long time ago when I was in a really dark place..
"Where there is life...there is hope"
This statement is what pulled me through my darkest moments...fight my friends..FIGHT!!

Day 5~Something you hope to do in your life.

Write a book! Thats plan and simple, its something that I have wanted to do for a very long time! I have started the process...its just going to take such a long time. There are so many angles of writing this book. I want to write about my accident, my feelings and my journey. I want to write about my son's strength and determination and his will to survive. I want to write about our daily struggles in this world built for the able bodied. I have so much to say about raising a child with a disability. I want to give parents hope, and words of encouragement. I have fought many battles and I want others to hear them so they can learn from them. I want to share my opinions about this world we live in and how difficult it can be for those with disabilities.
One more thing that I hope to do in this life time is to travel to Ireland. I would love nothing more that my hubby and I going to Ireland, touring the land and enjoying everything Ireland has to offer! Here's to dreams and desire's!!!

Would LOVE to renew my vows here someday!!