Wednesdays Ramblings~

YWell my friends, I don't have a whole lot too share today. Braden and I had a very busy afternoon, we had some frustrating moments but managed to be very productive. One bad situation turned into 2 good ones.
I pulled my fall/Autumn decorations out this evening. Hoping to get some stuff out tomorrow and make this house more fall'ish.

I started this new book, its a Heathers Choice. Its Called "This is Happy" and its by Camilla Gibb.

Its a memoir about a woman's long desire for family. She struggles in childhood as her parents divorce, her father has mental health issues, her brother becomes an addict and her mother seems to be emotionally vacant. Her family is broken, but eventually they are reunited with the birth of a child. I am at that point right now, so I'm just beginning to understand the significance of the birth of her daughter. I am really enjoying this book, as I am trying to write a memoir as well its a great way to see how she has pulled it together.  There are so many single lines throughout this book where i can relate, and that is why I think I'm enjoying this book so much. I didn't want this post to become a book report. The line below, resonated deeply within me.

 

I can not begin to tell you how many times in my life, I have said these exact words. I have pulled myself up from the depths of my very own dreaded thoughts. Moments in my life where I truly believed I could not handle what was happening. Instants that twinkled in my life, with so much worry and fear it paralyzed me. A time when my only choice was to Stand up, Stand the fuck up.

Have you ever had a time in life when you were placed in a situation similar to this?

I have had a few. One that was probably the most significant was when I was 22 years old, and it was Day 3 after my accident. Braden was still on life support, he was still not breathing independently and they still had him in an induced coma. We had previously been given some "good" news around Braden's injury. The doctors at the Cambridge Hospital had said he did not break his neck in the trauma. They had said it looked like he may have some permanent damage in his left arm due to the car seat strap. Paul and I had for a few days mourned the loss of the function in his left arm. Crying over the fact that he would never be able to play baseball, or even possibly hockey. Those important dreams we have for our children the day they are born. I remember being completely devastated over that diagnosis...little did I know what was about to be discovered.

A few days after that initial assessment, we had a meeting with most of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at MacMaster University Medical Centre. Paul and I were very young, new parents and so very intimidated by all these professional intensivists. Four ICU trauma doctors as well as other ICU staff attended the meeting as well as the necessary resources for Paul and I incase we needed some form of security or comfort after we were delivered the first blow~

I really wish I would have documented these moments, I didn't even think of it. Having to write down the events of my day to share with anyone was certainly not on my agenda. Back then we were completely present, our minds, souls and body never left that point in time. Never once did we think of updating our facebook statuses, instagraming an up to date photo of our hospital room or Braden's current health state. There were no Twitter posts to think of, no hashtags, no snapchat story of Braden's recovery. It was all about Braden, in that instant we were more concerned about him. I say this frequently, and I am not judging anyone's choice to share their life on line. I just couldn't imagine having those options during a time that my whole attention needed to be put on our situation.

We were living in a time, when updating, journaling or documenting wasn't a thought.

So when I say I wish I would have documented more, I mean I wish I had of logged information more frequently. I have some notes, but everything I try to remember is strictly from my memories.

There we were sitting around an oblong table. Florescent lighting, the room was behind the nursing station. I felt so important having the opportunity to walk behind those desks. It was the making of a new home, no boundaries, new family. They had opened their home to us, we were now part of them. Paul and I sat beside one another, quietly waiting for them to speak. Dr. Malcomson was the one who headed the information, everyone sat so still. He informed us that Braden had a complete transection of the Spinal Cord. He had said it was the worst possible outcome of any injury. He would never walk again, breath again on his own and they were not sure what damage may have been done to his brain.

Shock, disbelief.....Pain~

I looked around the table waiting for someone to add something to this devastating blow. To my surprise the only thing I saw was a room full of sobbing doctors. Tears.

It has been 20 years since that day, and looking at those doctors today I see how much they have aged. They too were so young and I often wonder what else has crossed their paths over these daunting years.

I remember crying, not understanding them. I felt they were telling me his life was over....I even asked them "Do you think we will have to take him off life support?". He still hadn't woke up from the accident, but remember they had him in an induced coma.

I couldn't believe my baby might die, I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. It was the worst moment in my life.

One doctor spoke up and said "Let's wait and see how he responds too you when we wake him up, that will tell us were to go from here".

Each one of them left the room that day, one at a time. Being a nurse today, and having lived through this experience. I know, for sure that night each one of them went home a changed person. I wonder at times what each one of them did when they went home. How did they cope? What did they do at the end of that day to unwind? Did they talk to their families about us, or did they hold it in?

They gave us our privacy, they told us to take our time. We had one other person with us, and I distinctively remember I wanted them to leave. I wanted some time with Paul, and I knew the minute I left that room....my whole world would never be the same. From here on in...I had no control and I was scared as hell.

This was my first moment...it was right here, in that second before I stood up from that chair. My mind raced, my heart beat, breathing slowed, exhausted from the pain.

But I said to myself....

"Stand Up, I willed myself. Stand. The Fuck. Up"