I've been doing alot of thinking lately about the do's and don't around raising a teen girl. When going into this time of teenage years i honestly thought i had it all figured out. To be honest the ONLY thing i was ever sure about was the love that I have for her. I have to remind myself of that all the time, while biting my lip as i sit back and watch her make choices that she thinks are the best ones for her.
Raising Braden had kinda always been pretty black and white. IT HAS NOT been easy, let me tell you...he has been a pleasure and a terror all in one breath. I have made mistakes with my children but I will have to admit..we've done something right because for a young man who has as many obstacles as my son does, nothing holds him back from achieving his dreams.
I don't remember having the same issues with Braden as i do with Kailey. I shouldn't really call them issues as she is a good kid. We don't have any problems with her either, she has great grades, she isn't in any trouble...i think the most difficult part of parenting her is how different we are as girls.
Kailey and I are not much alike in personality, and the day your daughter is born we have dreams about he relationship we will have together as your daughter grows.
Don't get me wrong..Kailey and I have a wonderful relationship and we've shared many many good times, laughs, weekends, trips and mother-daughter dates together. We have friends who we get together with in groups and can share in laughs, jokes and good times but lately...i'm becoming to realize she's growing into her own young woman.
Kailey is a true to the bone realist, and she calls out anyone and anything that just isn't black and white. By that I mean, there's a right and a wrong, the only way to get what you want is to work for it...don't sit back and dream about it. She's definatley NOT someone who sits around relating her life to movies or books, and she doesn't understand those who do. It kinda worries me...i'm not going to lie. I think every girl should have hopes and dreams and romantic aspects about finding the man of her dreams, or thoughts of her wedding day, the beauty in dating or even just an image of the perfect guy. I certainly had my moments in teenage years when i fanatsized about finding the love of my life, how many children would i have, where would i live...etc etc.
I guess a part of me envies that quality in Kailey as well and i wonder if its her way of not "setting herself up" for disappointment? I mean, really...i was all about the romance, how wonderful my life was with my husband and new baby boy...and BOOM, it all changed in a matter of seconds. ALL my fantasicies, hopes and dreams were shattered in a second. Maybe Kailey's just smarter than I, maybe she see's the reality of life and how dangerous it is to have unrealistic hopes and dreams? With all that said...it makes me sad that she doesn't.
I am learning to respect and appreciate who Kailey is, i did marry a man identical to this so i'm NOT new to this personality type..lol..maybe its just the realization that my relationship with Kailey will be based on something other than what I had hoped for. Realizing that I'm not going to change this, i will learn to adapt. We don't have those talks about boys, makeup, fashion or friends that I had always hoped to have with my daughter. Many of you know she's not much of a communticator, she just doesn't like to open up about those things. I have been terrible with respecting her privacy and i know that i have drove her crazy with questions about school, boys and drama. OR i'll hear something from someone else regarding her friends, and i'll ask her why didn't you tell me? Her response is usually.."Mom, i just don't care..they are not important enough to me to even think to tell you!"...i mean seriously...what 15 year old is bright enough to respond with that?? LOL..she puts me in check sometimes. I guess i should be happy about that...i did want to raise my children to not let others make a negative effect on their choices, moods and behaviours. I did raise them to worry about themselves and not let others bog them down. I have always only had a couple close friends in my life, and i would do anything for them...but always remember your own health and happiness comes first.
While doing research for this blog topic I came across this article and it states fairly clearly the relationship between mother and teenage daughter is strained usually do to these reasons.
Battles normally occur when a mom and daughter come home at the end of the day. Mom tries to assert her control and daughter tries to maintain her free, out-of-sight independence. Mom asks questions, perhaps too many questions. Daughter reacts in that singular-minded way adolescent girls do. She feels like she is suspected of doing something wrong and doesn't stop to think logically that her mom may simply be interested in her life. Tensions arise on both sides and an erupting battlefield is inevitable. This is exactly the problem in our home!
Feel free to further investigate with the website below.
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/girls/mothers/54215.html#ixzz1viFOvPPm
I guess my daughter just hasn't realized that I am interested in her life. I'm not looking for all the answer's. Unfortunately most days she gets her back up and thinks i'm being nosey or controlling. I don't know, but either way i'm working on that and have decided to take a back seat for a bit.
We have had alot of conversations lately around boys and dating..unfortunately Kailey and I don't see eye to eye with that topic..lol, there's been a few heated discussions and it frustratates the hell out of me. I am kinda old fashioned when it comes to dating and boys. I believe that a boy should ask a girl out on a few dates, its okay to kiss and make out...but i'm a firm believer in exclusive dating!! I know Kailey believe's that too..but she argues how today's youth will go to parties and pretty much make out with anyone who is available...EVEN if they don't like one another!!!!! THAT blow's my mind! Whenever the topic arises at home, it always turns to an argument. I don't know how to get my daughter to see how inappropriate that is...how ridiculous it is and how wrong it is. Where's the respect for one another? AND do you really want to go out with a guy who has previously "made out" with one of your friends at a party? I mean seriously...how gross? She claims, its not a big deal to people...its just what they do! It scares me to death...and all i can do is remind her that someday she will be in a committed relationship and if she makes mistakes today..she'll pay for them later.
Thankfully right now i'm not dealing with the drama of a boyfriend, and luckily she is more concerned with her grades in school. That i am thrilled about...i guess i shouldn't be complaining. I just remind her EVERY time i drop her off at a party to respect herself and don't do anything she'll regret the next day. Kailey does tell me how some of her friends mom's have talked about sex and that they don't care if they do it..just be sure use protection. I am all for that and agree completely but i still think in MOST cases they are way to young at 15 years old. If i can try to get her to hold off even for 2 more years..i'll be happy. Why rush into that?? I will try to not be unrealistic with her and when the time comes but for know, i use my own story as an example. I have NO regrets, I have no scary stories regarding sex with guys in highschool and I didn't make mistakes that could have changed a part of who I am. THAT's all i ask of her too, don't do something unless its with someone who you know will have ALWAYS been a special person in your life. *Big sigh inserted here* Its exhausting isn't it?! Let's NOT even get into the double standard aspect of having a teenage son either...
Bottom line...its different for them, well for most of them!
As we transition into these middle teenage years there are going to be many ups and downs. I will say that most of the changing has to come from me. I have learned to not have expectations on what i had hoped my relationship with Kailey should be. We do have a wonderful relationship, and at 15 years old it has changed, we don't have the same opinion on many things and that's ok. I do respect her, i trust her and I value who she is, she is AMAZING!! I have to let her be who she is, I will always be available to her waiting and willing to lend a hand or an ear to listen. Somedays its difficult to not jump in and get involved and spew all my answer's and corrections onto her. I do wish she'd open up more, that part is challenging but given some space maybe she'll come to realize that it helps to talk and then again maybe she won't?! I just have to remember that its ok if she doesn't.
Hopefully when she's all grown and a mom of her own that's when she'll open up, that's when she'll need me and want my advice and opinion's. She's a good kid, i am blessed that she has been easy in many other ways. Everyone has their battles through these years..i'm certainly not excempt from them.
If you are battling your way through raising a teen daughter just remember that they are trying to find their own way and learn through their own mistakes. We can't control them forever...all we can do is hope we've given them the tools and knowledge they need to make the right choices. Of course they'll make some bad ones too...but, lets hope we've taught them to learn from them. Don't judge them or dismiss them or even make them feel like its not important. To you it may not be, but to them its everything. We have to remember how we felt back in our teen years.
I may not have the relationship that I thought i'd have with Kailey on the day she was born...but, i know one thing is for sure...i'm more proud of her than I ever thought i could possibly be. I love the person she is becoming..despite the differences of opinions!! *Wink*
Ah yes our hopes and dreams we have for our children after we have them. Hard to back off those when they start growing up and making decisions or choices that we don't agree with or thought they would have. I know i battle with how I want them to be when I have to realize they have their own hopes and dreams that are different then mine. Such a difficult age. But all we can do is raise them, give them our opinions and guild them, they will make mistakes as we will, we aren't perfect, no parent handbook out there for each child. All we can do is offer the advice we know. Be there for them always. Gonna fight and disagree. But the love we have for them will always remain.
ReplyDeleteHard letting them make their own decisions. Or make them tell us things we need to or want to know.
I agree that its terrible these days with kids not thinking about how they act at parties. I feel the same way as you do. What happened to being with 1 person exclusively? Scarey thought. I know I want my kids to think long and hard about dating and what it means to them, I am glad Nicks first serious relationship was in grde 12. Didnt have to go through all the drama that follows with young kids dating. Nothings perfect but when they are more mature they make better decisions hopefully! I know with my own dating young and the pressures that I went that are insane, I know I don't want kelsey having to go through what I did! We always can be invloved and aware of whats going on in our childrens lives. Hope dreams are all different for each of them, but as long as we remain a constant in their lives things will work out,we may smother them, ask to many questions, nag a little to much, ask where they are always but I would rather be that kind of parent then the ones who aren't involved in their kids lives and have no idea whats going on in their kids lives. Chrissy your kids are bright, talented kids and they have you and Paul there for them no matter what! They will be great! This age is a hard age to get through, but we will make it! I hope LOL.
Well said Candy, maybe you should blog too! Thanks for the imput i appreciate your comments and thoughts!
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