Tuedays Talk...God, I'm Lonely

     So we'll make Tuesday's the day that I talk...it will be whatever subject is on my mind or whatever is happening in the news or maybe something that I have read and has affected me. Maybe it will be a marriage, parenting, friendships...could be anything.
Once I move this blog to my own website or domain I will be changing the name to.."When skies are grey"... thats a possible book title as well. I'm sure you've figured its a line from the childhood song "You are my sunshine". A song I use to sing all the time to Braden while I sat at bedside, and also a song sang to Kailey when she happily came along.
I've been reading through some blogs of Special Needs mom's and came accross a post that struck a chord with me. I am sure many of us mothers of special needs kids feel the same way...for me, it was a long time ago but the memories are still there and the lasting effects are still a painful feeling for me.
This mom starts her blog with 6 Things A Special Needs Mom won't tell you, and she proceeds with 6 facts..we just don't share. One of them, which happens to be the first thing on her list is...
 1. Special Needs Mom's are Lonely....
There are so many secrets we keep, things we don't share and one definately is the fact that through the years I didn't have time to nurture certain relationships. I remember aching for more time with friends and family, just wanting to share in things that at a time I couldn't. It was a difficult time, mind you..I did have play dates with friends, some of these friends would bring their children over to sit and play with Braden. As Kailey became older the times got more difficult, most times friends would come over and the kids would want to run and play..chasing eachother, swimming, running..all the things Braden couldn't do. I would find myself tied up in a web of reaching out to Braden, trying to show him another way to play with these kids while they ran around him. I worried all along, what this would do to Braden's emotional well being. This leaving me with very little time not or opportunity to really sit and engage in my friend over tea. Thankfully my friends understood that, they were wonderful.
I never had time to make phone calls, or send emails..my time was spent hovering, making sure things were fine and fun for my child(ren). Then I felt spread thin because I needed to be sure Kailey was recieving the attention she deserved, doing crafts with her and her visiting friend..or running to the pool shed to fill water guns for her and her friends, or watching them swim...it was non-stop supervising. Like most parents we spend our time supervising but when it is watching over a child with special needs its 10x the hovering, watching and supervising. That doesn't leave you time to mingle, relax, laugh and chat with your best girlfriend. I always envied those ladies who could go to a water park, plunk their asses down on a towel, pull out a bottle of ice tea and sit, tan and just talk with their girlfriends while they watched from afar their overwhelmed, excited children. Honestly I am trying not to sound like I am complaining because I am blessed to be home with my kids, I have great friends and my children experience so many things thanks to my "hovering" parenting...sounds like an oxi-moron..how do kids experience things with a parent hovering? A special needs child just does...trust me! Many of my friends and family are even aware of the guilt I had/have...guilty for everything. Can't get together...have to cancel plans..no time to chat...forget to send emails...forget birthdays...anniversaries...no drop in coffee's....forgot to call to fill them in on doctor appts...the guilt I carry is endless. Even with family, there were relationships that we just couldn't nurture or give alot of time too. NOT that we didn't want too...WE DIDN"T HAVE THE TIME! and I feel guilt over that too. I think a life time of parenting a special needs child puts you into a "bubble" that protects you, the only ones you let into your bubble are the ones who understand or tolerate your lack of availability in conversing regularily in a friendship. Those who don't get upset that you don't have time to always be present. The lonely moments are the ones when someone doesn't understand. The ones who make you feel guilty (when you already do) about not responding to an email, or phone call are the ones who you tend to delete from your life. Again...GUILT. Its difficult to do that, but you learn to put whats important first..and that happenes to be the four of us. Our family.
My lonely years are over..Paul and I are finding it easier to entertain our friends, nurture our friendships. We can engage with people and not worry so much about the kids anymore. They have their own lives, its amazing to see the small group of friends we had 20 years ago are still the ones in our pictures today.
And to each of them...I thank you for being there!