A moment of clarity...

I don't often share on here what its like for me to live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a private matter and somethings will be kept to myself but today i'd like to share a moment that I had. It started as an awful moment but somehow by the grace of god turned around and I came away from that moment with hope, faith and happiness.
As you know, each week I drive to Hamilton to take Braden to a physiotherapy center which is affilitated with Hamilton General Hospital. Every time I go there I take a book and just sit in a corner, by myself...away from everyone. I do struggle while i'm there, I don't like to look at the sadness, or the pain that I see in some of these people's faces or the faces of their family members. I have never gotten use to this, and this ultimately was one of the reason's for leaving my job in the hospital.
I do see miracles and beautiful things in life too...i am NOT a person to only see the negative, I work VERY hard to see the positive in everything. But i can't hide from the fact that even still today...after 17 years of living this life, I still have moments of complete darkness! I get ANGRY...I want to scream, I want to hit and I want to fight!
The feelings are triggered by many things...scents, sounds, people, songs..there was a time when the scent of Pamper diapers would send me into a frenzy. The hospital used Pampers, and the smell of them would remind me of our time in ICU or the of the many times we sat at bedside crying over a VERY sick baby.
I guess a way to explain it would be to say...when something signals a memory in your mind, you panic, hot flashes,sweating and a world wind of emotions run wild through your body. SO many images flash through your mind, you can't focus and you can't control it. Its like it takes over your body and for a time you feel completly out of control..its the scariest feeling ever.
Please note that I have worked extensively with professionals to deal with these times and I do very well with getting myself out of that frame of mind.
Today I had a moment like this, Braden and I were waiting for his appointment to start and while waiting we went outside to sit in the beautiful weather. Braden was sitting across from me, about 5 feet infront and we were chatting away. Like always, I was admiring him...his gorgeous face, his beautiful blue eyes and that smile...a smile that everyone remembers. Sometimes, I find myself wondering.... what he'd be like if we hadn't been in that accident, how tall would he be? Would he be athletic? Would he have played hockey?  Who would he have turned out to be? How different would he have been? I wonder these things ALL the time, and its not fair to do...but like i explained before when a child is born we all have hopes and dreams for our children. We have visions and hopes of all the wonderful things they will be capable of.
We had everything figured out for him on the day he was born...he was born for something great..we saw it in his eyes the minute we met him!
Its still hard to this day..to look into those same eyes and realize that those dreams we had will never be, and its even harder to live with the guilt of that.
As I was admiring his charm and beauty, i realized where I was...in this place of sadness ( I really need to change the way I view this place) Its a place that reminds me like a slap in the face that I had a car accident and paralyzed MY son. A place where people come to lose their legs due to amputations or to be rehabilitated because of an accident or a stroke...WHO wants to deal with these things? NO ONE DOES!!
While I was sitting there...I started to realize that I was going into a "dark place", my thoughts were changing...i was panicking, breathing changed, slight headache started, pain in my chest...all the feelings were happening...I thought I was going to bolt and just run from this environment.
With a smile on my face (protecting my son) I calmed myself, quietly shifted my thoughts and without making a noice...screamed so loud in my mind that tears formed in my eyes...
Please god...give me strength~
.......without hesitation, within a moment...between breaths, a man in a wheelchair pulled up beside Braden and said.."I've been wanting to talk to you Braden."
This mom shifts gears quickly...as most mom's do, when need be!
I smile softly...trying to gather my presence and wrap it up in the sweet little bow that everyone see's on the outside *wink*
Ron is a peer support co-ordinator for the Canadian Paraplegic Association, and he has been wanting to talk to Braden about becoming a peer mentor...
He and Braden's therapists at this hospital feel Braden would be a huge assest to their organization, they feel he has a strong sense of who he is, he has alot to offer and has the right frame of mind to do this kind of work for their association.
Can you say "devine intervention" any louder??  Do you see what I mean, if you seek..you will be answered. Whether you believe or not in the power of prayer or even in god...please understand that I have had many moments in my life like this one. I HAVE to look at this as a sign that Braden's future has never really been in my hands...its always been in gods and HE has a plan for Braden. It really didn't matter what Paul and I had hoped for him on the day he was born...its never been my plan
Honestly...without a lie, when Ron spoke those words to Braden I couldn't help but smile and look up at the sky and thank him...thank you for answering me..for giving me my hope back when once again I was sabotaging it all on my own. He is so patient with me~
Ron went on to explain that they would like Braden to start with a young 15 year old boy who recently sustained a C3 spinal cord Injury due to a bike accident. This boy is still in hospital and Braden will be seeing him there soon enough.
I cannot express in words alone how proud we are of Braden, it was just a year ago that Braden himself was seeking help with some issues of being a teen in a wheelchair. I am shocked with the strength this young man radiates. Braden will be an amazing mentor and will see this young guy through a VERY difficult time, I have complete faith that Braden will lead this boy. He will do so with respect, understanding, patience and most importantly humor.
Braden is nervous, but thats a good thing..it means he cares. But if there is anyone in the world right now who can help answer and support this guy...it'll be my son. He has so much knowledge, compassion and fight in him...this young man will be lucky to have met Braden.
When your world changes..and things turn upside down and becomes still for sometime...the first thing you do is think "this is shit, and I hate it"...those feelings are normal and expected. Once you've acknowledged this, you can then change it...and that will be what Braden will take to the table. Its also nice to know that Braden holds no punches and this young man will learn to fight for his life, future and dreams like no one else, and there's no one better to show him this than my Braden.
So, with all this said...after my moment of "darkness", I was quickly jolted into a moment of clarity.  A realization that even though the dreams I have always had for Braden will not come true...he has been blessed with better one's! Seriously, look how fabulous he is...at 18 years old..he's a mentor, making changes in other peoples lives..that's pretty special, today I was reminded of how blessed I am~