Today Braden seemed more withdrawn. Not too many smiles. More tears today. Things have stayed the same as fas as movement. Except that he drew up his left leg on his own. We don't know if it was Braden or actually Spinal Shock. Nancy (Physiotherapist) says "something is happening in that leg" Sounds hopeful :)
They started his feeds today. He has tolerated them very well so far. He had a good night. Still very tired and withdrawn, but less frightened.
This is a journal entry that I have taken word for word after a surgery Braden recieved on his spinal cord in hopes to relieve some built up pressure and repair the damage done to the seath lining that protects the spinal cord. These few days after that surgery were probably the most "desperate" days we have ever spent. WE raked over that babies body every single day..testing him for more movement, praying to God that we would see something new, something to give us hope.
Wanting to write this book, has been a big dream of mine. I know one day I will do it, i prepare constantly...but the one and only thing that is holding me off is the pain that I will endure going over these memories. I remember this day...I remember all these days...mostly I remember how I felt, how scared I was...how alone I was. I can't even begin to think of how I will find the words to express in a book how desperate I was...how as a mother, the ONLY thing that is going on in your mind, heart, body and soul is the recovery of your child. It hurts..it still hurts, I still guilt and that comes out when I think of those days. DO I want to go back and feel those feelings again? Do i want to hurt myself again? Somedays in all honesty I do have the strength to do it!! I'm one strong girl who is very proud of what we have accomplished. But on the rare occassion, when my mood darken's...its there...in my mind, the feelings of guilt,pain and desperation. Boy let me tell it takes alot of work to pull myself out of those moments. I do it...I have too, my kids NEED me too. So as I sit here..its getting late, Paul and Kailey are off to bed. Braden is struggling in the kitchen cupboard trying to get a bag of chips to cart off into his abyss I wondering how strong can I be? Can I do this?
Sure I can.
Good night my Zeta's, and god bless~
OH and one more thing I have been wanting to say..and WILL expand eventually on.."Where the hell were you all?" Where were you? We were soooo young...so naive and so desperate, NOT one of you were there!!!
I still get goose bumos or have tears streaming down my face when I read your entries of Braden's accident. You all have been through a great ordeal. Most people never get over it. You will never forget anything that happened in those dark hours, but you held on. You believed he was going to be ok, you knew he was and he was you were young, but its help shape who you are today, who everyone in your famil are today. You have grown strong, You will always remember the pain, that will never change, but your strength and determination will help you write this book, it will happen, you will get through it, painful it will be, but Braden is doing great now, you have a tonn of people who will be there for you to help you through the tough memories, you will be strong enough and you will write this book. I wasn`t here the first 4 1/2 years after Braden`s accident, but I know what pain, fear and tears your whole family went through, you guys made it,took a long time to get where u are today. I have every faith in you that one day I will be reading your book! Always here for you no matter what, just a call, text or email away.
ReplyDeleteThanks for you comment Candy, your words are very kind and understanding! You know that the last part was not at all directed towards you! You know that! Love ya my friend~
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