Boy I try hard....NOT to scream! For the most part I think I do pretty good, and so does my husband. I think the key to NOT having to yell and scream at your teenagers is prevention! Thats right!! I pretty much have things figured out before events even happen in this house, so for that reason...it prevents all the screaming, yelling and temper tantrums, from both parties involved. *Smiles*
I DO have two active teenagers who at times can cause me some worry...they are teenagers, that's their job! I think the reason why they cause me to worry is because I am involved and pay attention to what's going on in thier lives. We do give them privacy and space to make their own decisions and even to make mistakes. But, before there is even a chance to make mistakes...I make sure they understand the circumstances. Braden had a few friends over Friday night, and Paul,Kailey and I were out. Without knowledge one of B's friends brought a different young man over with her. Braden did not know him, which thankfully made B keep an eye on him. Deep down Braden knew we wouldn't have approved of this. This guy had been drinking and was stumbling all over the place, banging into things and eventually puked in my house. Braden knew enough to get him out! Braden started telling his friend to get him out, I could sense Braden was worried about his consquences because he know's how we feel about drunk teens in our home...especially ones we don't know. I guess this drunk young man gave Braden a bit of a hard time, he continued walking around in our house, thankfully Braden knew to have him followed and NOT left unattended. Eventually they did get him to leave, the one girl walked him to the bus stop...Paul and I were literally around the corner when we saw him leaving. Its a good thing too...because I may not have handled the situation very well.
Nothing had happened, the house was fine, the puke was cleaned up....BUT, we had alot to say to B and his friends. They all did the right thing by getting him out, but I told them all...no one is to come into this house EVER again if we are not home and we do not know them!!
We did not over react, I was happy that my son had the smarts to get him out...just wish he would have phoned us as the kid was refusing to leave initially. I chalked this event up as a learning curve, and an opportunity to go over rules and the possible outcomes of that situation!
There was NO yelling or screaming going on...just alot of "Thank god's."
In my opinion whether you are trying to discipline or you're just having a heated debate, when a parent begins to yell they've lost credibility. It does not matter who is right and who is wrong, the conversation/debate/argument is over the minute your voice is raised. This makes whatever goal you were trying to achieve with your teen that much further away. Therefore you are better off to get involved with your teen's life, hear what they are saying and definatly ask questions...and WAIT for a response, encourage a response. Communication is key...vitally important for both parties!
Another important point when dealing with teenagers is to be responsive, not reactive. Take your emotional responses out of the equation while you are having a conversation with your teen. There have been times when I have had to say to both of my teens, "thank you for telling me, I need to think about it and we will talk later." When you are able to do that, you can respond to what your teen is saying without reacting to how it makes you feel. That's the key point, react to what the teen has done, NOT how it makes YOU feel. Remember they are individuals too..the choices they make are based on their own experiences and outcomes.Yes, it is easier said than done. Use your active listening skills and if you need to, you can always react by yourself later.
Let your teen own the problem. The more you fret over a problem that your teen owns, the less he will take ownership of it and the more likely the problem will get bigger. Then, you’ll really feel like yelling. Two words my friends, "natural consequences".
Keep your frustration in check – or take a time out. This is one that I am not very good at! My son actually is the best at this, he always say's "I don't want to talk about it right now, we can talk later. He is right, we always get more accomplished when we've cooled down. I unfortuately like to resolve things ASAP, i'm too impatient!
I know life can get crazy, and even though I have a teenage son who is physically challenge...it doesn't exempt me from the problems you may have with your "able bodied" teen. We still go through the same issues, he makes the same mistakes and we still have to teach him and let him learn on his own.
We are now coming into having another teenager who is stumbling her way through the teenage years.
Unlike our son, Kailey is a 14 year old young lady with a HUGE social life. Thank god most of it is through a sport that she loves. Her time through the winter is packed and there is no time for parties, boys or drinking. Come the summer months...things may just be different. You see with Kailey its a bit more difficult because she is the child that leaves the house to spend time with friends. That means I don't have as much supervision or control...and that is what worries me! Braden uses our home as a "social centre" mostly due to him not being able to access his friends homes due to being in a wheelchair. As much as I hate having a house full of teens most weekends...it still leaves Paul and I with some control. Unlike Kail who always manages to have sleepovers. Thankfully so far we have been lucky, not to many issues. The issues we did have last summer, we learned from and will be sure to implement strategies and tools to keep our daughter safe while enjoying her teenage years.
I guess my point being, get involved! I can't say that enough...I don't mean hang out with your teens, or spy on them or even demand questions answered. Unitl proven wrong..I give my kids their privacy and space. It is one of the hardest things to do, especially since I am a completely insane controlling person! My goal has been and will continue to be to COMMUNICATE consistantly with both of my teens. I am not naive to believe that my daughter will be attending parties with alcohol and drugs, but if I educate her, remind her of what happens when you make a wrong decision, if I continue to teach her about the effects of drugs and alcohol and then feircly scare her about her "natural consequences", then all I can do is pray to god she makes the right choices for her! There comes a point where we need to let go alittle...I am slowly working on that! If she proves me wrong, or looses my trust...then she will learn, and she will have to work very hard at getting our faith in her back.
This may all sound so harsh, but lets remember back to when we were in highschool and what were we doing the summer before we were going into grade 10? Yep...I know exactly what you were doing! I am not blind to the possibilities that my son's age group is having sex, drinking and trying drugs....my job as a mother is to LOUDLY talk so that he INTENTLY listens to the things we as parents need to preach. Hopefully they hear....and hopefully they will respect us.
Again, the same goes for my girl...the other issue we face with a teenage girl is just her general saftey. I am forever "drilling" into her head the importance of knowing her surroundings...know who she is with. See the red flags...listen to your own instinct, that my friends is something I will NEVER stop doing.
So if by chance you are a yeller/screamer and you have children coming into the teenage years...think about the things I have said. Its more effective to listen to your teenager than to react, sometimes you need to take a time out to evaluate your own response. I am working on that, so far its been great! Its certainly NOT perfect, my children are no exception to mistakes. But I will say both my kids are pretty high achiever's and both work very hard to get what they want. I am fortunate that they so far have not caused any major concerns, well anything thats not age appropriate...nothing we can't handle! So far, they have both been repectful to our approach they seem to enjoy our conversations and they participate in our "family time" with love. Thats something else I stress these years coming...I want more family time even if that means a Tuesday night we have a nice dinner and rent a movie!
They need that, home me needs to be a safe place to fall and its our job to provide that~
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