am I feeling so stressed out?? Honestly...not sure why I feel so crazy busy and overwhelmed. I think the reason why I loved working (outside of the home) so much was because all the little insignificant details of running a house hold just didn't seem to frazzle me!!
I was at MacMaster Hospital for an appointment with Braden, today was my turn as Paul was there yesterday for a repeat MRI. Anyways while I was there today I went for a walk in the hallway and found myself walking behind a nurse who was wearing the hospital scrubs. You know that was one of my most favorite things about working in the hospital. Their scrubs were oh so amazingly comfortable, I found myself for the first time in a long long time....missing my job!
When I quit my job, I knew it was the right thing to do...I could not keep up with all things changing in our home and still stay focused enough to work in all the departments they were sending me too. The stress of the job alone was killing me, but then I would come home to all the things that were changing as our kids were growing up. Unfortunatly that just seems to be my personality...I was struggling to much between work and home, for many many reasons. So, it was a sad relief when I finally gave my notice...i kinda felt like all that hard work in school and I only was employed for almost a year. I know that I will go back to it, there will be another good time for me in life to return to nursing. Eventually when B is settled, and his situation is sorted out...maybe then I will be able to get up in the morning and actually make my own breakfast, my own cup of tea, have my own shower and start my own car to go to my own job. I have NEVER had that luxury in life to be able to get up in the morning and only worry about me! I am actually looking forward to that day, I know that there are many many mothers and fathers who have to get up everyday and get their kids dressed, fed and out the door...my point I suppose is that eventually those kids start doing those things themselves. I'm not complaining..i wouldn't change a thing, I have been fortunate enough to have HAD the priviledge to be home for my children...although it was not really what I had wanted back before my accident.
My new desire...and I will add we are creeping towards this possibility is to be able to get up straigt out of bed and hop on my treadmill and run first thing in the morning. I have admired those people for years who can get up and go out to run first thing in the morning without having to look back because their kids are getting themselves up and ready on thier own. Thankfully with new nursing staff...I have managed to train one of them so far to do morning care and things are going well enough that probable within a month, I will be hoping on my treadmill at 7am and then hopping into the shower without needing to do anything for anyone! Thats right, a whole new world for me!! I can't wait! I know Braden is excited too for his own independance...we are just warming him up for moving out into his own place, when he is ready of course.
Speaking of that we had a meeting yesterday..ya after the morning MRI we hand a meeting with our rehab consultant and we discussed some pretty exciting things! First off we talked about Braden starting at a facility in Ottawa for rehab. He will be there for 3 months...with me of course and Ollie! We will live there for 3 months while he does extensive therapy. Of course we will come home on weekends, I am not sure what we will do yet with Kailey?? I'm not sure I want to leave her behind...but she has her life here too, sooo we will see what we do?
The other thing we talked about...and let me mention that each time we talk about this topic...I accept it better and better.
We discussed Braden leaving and going to college and the living arrangements complete with attendant care options. Most of you know how much I worry and stress about this next chapter...well I am totally feeling better about it! I am learning to trust Bradens capabilities with his self- directed care, that has happened through this experience with the nurses. He is more than capable of taking care of himself, he is smart, articulate and strong..not only physically but verbally. That boy has a way about him that MAKES people listen! He is so talented with speaking to people, I chuckle because wherever he goes and whoever he charms..every women falls for him!! Lab techs, CCAC managers, X-ray techs, MRI techs, Echocardiogram technologists...all of them love to talk with him. Today by the end of his Echo he had the tech pulling out pictures of her kids from her wallet...she loved him!! He totally Schmoozed her! Well done Braden!! These are the situations that its going to take for me to realize that he is growing up and ready to take over his own life!
I will say with discretion that Braden is experiencing some pretty "normal" teenage issues and I think its having a profound effect on his development both socially and mentally. Maybe thats part of my reason's for feeling better about him growing up...I can see him living as a man, married with children. Not that I want it to happen too quickly but at least I can see it happening, maybe 5 years ago I didn't see it being that easy. There are so many things that I want to share, but unfortunately until Braden has grown up and no longer is effected by the things I write about..I will have to wait to share those stories.
Speaking of writing...the book is still up there on my things to do. I think of it daily and I do write down things as I think of them. The writing class I took was good. I met some interesting people and made some contacts. Mostly I came to the realization that writing a book is going to be incrediably difficult. At times I felt discouraged, but I'm not going to give up! Its certainly something that I believe in and I know for a fact there are mothers and fathers out there searching for a book that can help them through a difficult time of accepting and adapting to a new lifestyle! Whether that be with a sick child or a child born with special needs...even the loss of a child my book will have thoughts and feelings on that. I hope everyone is trying to look at spring through clear eyes and not focus so much on the rain...its been frustrating but it won't last forever! Power on Sunshine!!
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