She was diagnosed about a month ago, after what her parents felt was the flu. Doctors did some blood work and found elevated white cells which led to further investigation and eventually this little girl was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma which happens to be brain cancer. The doctors have removed 3 brain tumor's, however this young little baby girl unfortuntaley has been diagnosed with Menengitis in her spine. They are aggressively treating this set back and will then transfer her to St.Judes hospital to start chemotherapy and radiation. Please Pray For Lucy~
You know friends, I have never really touched on this topic before...maybe a little in passing did I comment about my belief's when it comes to religion or faith. Many of you may not even know how important my faith in God is?! I don't think I have ever really sat down and discussed with anyone how much I love and rely on God. I have never really been a church goer..and some can judge that a true christian goes to church religously and gives their life fully to God. Well friends..untill YOU have stood strong and tall against the big guy, you have NO idea what giving your life to him REALLY means! While reading Lucy's mom's blog I have found myself remembering my own internal battle, and my own battle with god. I remember having my faith tested, my belief in god altered. I remember being more afraid than anyother time in my life, afraid of loosing....
I think for this reason alone, I can relate and respect Lucy's mothers internal battle with herself, the battle which allows us to give our childs life to the hands of God and trust in him that he will do what is right for your baby.
Honestly...that's the hardest lesson in life, letting go of the control and the desire to fight against the possible death of your child. I will say...I went against the lord strong, hard and with feirce determination to hold my baby and bring him back to health. There was NO way God was going to take him from me...I threatened the lord with so much anger and at times hate. THe demon's that took over my body, mind and soul were destroying me...the fear of loosing was enough to want to end my own life. Those were the dark times....and unless my friend you have watched your own child suffer in pain and fight for their life, literally I mean being on death's door with only hope to keep him alive. Unless you have screamed until no breath was left in you and the pain that takes over your own body prevents you from filling your lungs again... don't you DARE try to scrutinize my beliefs.
There comes a moment in these dark times where you hear him, where you may even see him...I experienced both. It took alot for me to listen, he sent many signs and many people to talk with me..chaplin's, ministers, my mom and even doctors encouraged me to pray. I remember the moment of surrendering...I gave him up, I realized it was NOT my fight, and that there was no way I was going to win this one. That became the most peaceful moment in my life.
It wasn't easy friends, I fought with all my might...looking back now, it kinda makes me smile knowing that I had absolutely NO control over the outcome of our catastrophe...it was never really in my hands. It was always and still is in God's.
That is just the point friends....can you imagine the feeling of peace that over came me when I had finally excepted that my child was mine to hold for awhile, that there was actually someone or something bigger out there...someone who gave me him as a gift, knowing that God actually loves my son more than I do was comforting. The thought of loosing my son, brought two choices...either I surrender, accept and have trust that things were going to be ok, or I give up and exit this situation...and that was not an option!
The feelings are very difficult to find words to describe, but I do understand how Lucy's mom feels...she is angry, hurt and confused...when we feel this way as mothers we look for answers. We want to fix things, we want to make it better...and when we can't, we search for the strength to accept it and the wisdom and knowledge to understand it. We eventually begin to pray for peace, we pray that god grants us the strength to get up in the morning to face the day. In those moments where it seemed to overwhelming, even today when I face some demon's...I pray, he hears, and he grants me the peace. When I say that, what I mean
is there is a feeling of serenity, peace and faith that overcomes your mind and body. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, especially when you are in so much emotional pain that it effects your body physically. Throwing you into a whirlwind of suffering and literally body aches from the heartache and constant agony that fills your mind and memories.
Let's go back to the whole "going to church" issue. Does it bother me that I do not attend church? Sometimes yes!
I am conflicted completely with this topic, the things that I love and admire about going to church are exactly the same reason's why I stay away.
Confusing?? Ya, tell me about it!
Here's the thing....I absolutely love the idea of a church family, I have been blessed over the years to have some wonderful support from churches and their congregations..and I have been very appreciative. I have also made some friendships as well...which at the time were great!
Ok, here's the problem with all of that! Unfortunately the friendships that were made seemed to have come with expectations...you know how I feel about that~
Don't put expectations on me...I will only disappoint you.
Sounds sad doesn't it....but that's how I live my life and the friends that I do have seem to understand that! I was really hurt by these few friendships, it became more about me NEEDING to support their beliefs, their church and with that comes responsibilities. They expect you to attend women's groups, mom's groups,volunteer at their camps, attend seminar's and regular Sunday morning church even home church study groups it just all becomes so time consuming. Back in the day, when the kids were younger...I honestly barely had time to blow my own nose. I had to do what I did in order to survive. That meant NOT pushing my family to be out the door Sunday morning in time to make it to church on time...that would have been added stress in our lives. As it was, it was the only morning of the week that we didn't have to get up, bath, dress,feed and do ROM on our son all within an hour inorder to get out the door! Besides that Sunday was his hockey day...it was the day of the week that he had his time doing his favorite sport. Something tells me, that God would have been perfectly fine with that decision...unless of course our church was going to offer a hockey team of children in wheelchairs complete with ice time?!
Do I wish I could have given them more time in their lives for religion? Yep i do...I do feel guilty that we couldn't have had more of an involvement in church. It would have been a positive reflection in thier lives and I hate that they didn't have more time in a church setting. I was never against the prospect of belonging to a church and the family that comes with it, unfortunately those things came with expectations. It's never too late, and that's how i'm looking at it. We will eventually go back to church, when the time is right we will find the right one...until then god will wait, he know's my intentions.
With all that said, Lucy's mom is begging everyone to pray. Unless you have been blessed with a situation that enables you to believe...you won't understand. But learn from us..the ones who do believe, the one's who have been fortunate enough to experience his miracles and his love. The power of pray is astonishing, it's beautiful...try it, just talk to him..it's all he wants!
Tonight I am praying for Lucy and her family, I am praying that her mom finds the strength to feel peace, to feel his love~
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