Borrow his strength..

Today I had a conversation with an aquaintance about marriage and relationships. It was an interesting one because the issue's that she was having in her marriage with her husband are very similair to some of the issue's that Paul and I have already encountered during our 21 years together.

It is concerning to see what happens to a marriage when trauma or tradegy strikes. Marriage isn't easy for anyone, but then throw something into a family which is going to change the dynamics of that family, it can be incrediably overwhelming and at times inconceivably devastating. I am certainly no expert, but I have lived through a catastrophic life changing event. We are not perfect and we still have a long way to go in life together as a couple. When talking with this women I could relate to her struggle's and the issue's that she was expressing. It is the most difficult, trying times in a marriage when something goes wrong that we are not expecting. Paul and I have worked very hard to over come and hurdle the many obstacles placed infront of us. Sometimes we managed to get through them together and sometimes we were not able to stand with one another and we chose to fight some battles alone.
When two people choose to build a life together, we must remember that people change over the course of a life time. We are not always going to be the same person who we were when we walked down the aisle. Sometimes, people don't expect to see their loved one change, and at times we may question our love.
It doesn't mean that your love stops, or that you don't want to continue a life with the person that you married, it means you have to choose to adapt to the change in your spouse. It would be a very unhealthy marriage if you didn't grow as individuals and allow life experiences to influence and revise a part of who you are. Its only natural to evolve as a whole person, but equally important to evolve as a couple. My advise to my friend was simple, as women we must remember that men don't always cope the same as we do. Men and women deal differently in times of disaster. When times were challenging for us, spending weeks at a time in ICU with Braden usually fighting pneumonia, our lives would go on hold. Everything changes..you lose sight of the world around you, nothing is important anymore.


Nothing else matters...however during these moments you have to remember who you are and keep the one you love close, its easy to forget about them. Your own needs are unimportant, and you are certainly not thinking about the needs of your life partner. Unfortunately this is were the fracture in a marriage begins, not on purpose..it happens without intention. The lady who I spoke with today was sharing her thoughts on her husband returning to work and his lack of interest in helping her with the responsibilities of their special needs child at home. This is actually one of the number one complaints in a marriage of families who have a child with special needs or a child who is terminally ill.
Through experiences and befriending many mom's while staying in hospital it was common for the dad's, husbands or significant others to eventually return to work. We as women had difficulty letting them go, we all discussed the fact that we were on our own. Our husbands were not intentionally leaving us or our sick children, it was evenly challenging for them to sit at bedside and feel helpless, or feel like there was nothing they could do. Most dad's did return to work, usually due to financial reason's. I could see the strain on these families, as mom's we become stronger and we tend to go head on and fight through the tough days. We eventually fall under the assumption that we have to do this alone, we forget to include our husbands. They sometimes take a second seat..and again the bow breaks and this is where a marriage can tumble. One of the biggest complaints from Paul was that I was to independant, he became frustrated that I no longer needed him. Reality was I just got use to doing it on my own, I stuggled to let go...if I let him take over, I might just lose control.
It took me years to understand why Paul would return to work even when Braden was struggling in hospital..how could he leave? Why did he not want to be here with us? He did stay through the times of uncertainty, once Braden was cleared and on the mend, Paul would then go back to work. So don't get me wrong, Paul never abandoned myself or Braden, he just chose to go during the recovery time. It was his way of handling the situation, he too was hurting and needed to retreat somewhere for his own mental health, as a man he needed to work it made him feel validated, made him feel worthy. As a mommy I got validation through Braden, through his recovery. I felt worthy everytime he came off of life support or everytime we were sent home after a long battle. Not that Paul didn't feel that as well, but he also had to have the strenghth to hold me up, he had the added bonus of keeping himself strong and capable to deal with me..trust me, that wasn't an easy job!
At the time I was resentful that he could leave and find refuge somewhere else, I guess when we were young and dealing with way to much I didn't realize that he too was suffering just as much as I was. In time we both learned how to communicate and not make assumptions. It's not everyday your life is turned upside down, and it is critical not to forget eachother. These are the moments that we pull together sometimes in silence, learn to speak to one another through your eyes...from across the room. You will be the only two in the world who will feel the same during these times, who will always understand how you feel... just by watching you. Words are not always important, sometimes they mean nothing..hold his hand, borrow his strength, and walk beside eachother.