Thoughts...

I absolutely LOVE when you find a connection with someone that is completely explainable. Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend who i recently blogged about, we try to get together occassionaly to catch up on life's events. I may not see her as much as I'd like, and sometime's I feel guilty that i can't always be that friend who can get together on weekends and have some drinks and laughs. I sometimes wish I could offer more in that department..but I am sure, in my own way...I give her things that many cannot. We discussed this tonight and it always makes me feel better when we catch up and express our feelings and concerns.
Like I said before, I hate that she has been hurt and that she is living through this trauma, it sucks. BUT, what most of you don't get or understand is that living through that trauma makes you understand life like so many of us don't. I have been almost a veteran at this "living through a trauma" and i did mention before that i sit in silence often, feeling alone. Feeling like there's no point in giving my opinion or advice because YOU just don't get it! NOT that I am an expert because I am not! I continuously make mistakes! I am totally being selfish when I say and previously said..i don't feel alone any more. I do have amazing friends..and I LOVE my friends, I have had these friends for over 30 years, they are probably more like sisters. I share my life with them and i would never take them for granted...I NEED THEM!!
My friendship with this friend in particuliar has reached a whole new level, I have shared things with her that NOT too many people know. When I say..i don't feel alone, this is what I mean. I know that no matter what I say or admit to with this friend, there is NO judgement and I know this because she shares with me some of her most personal moments in life...
Through talking it seems that we have both recieved very similar counselling sessions, so our perspective on our recovery and our strength is very much the same and I don't feel so lonely anymore.
You know what else I love about our talks...she doesn't hold back! Like i said..I feel that I am very much a veteran with this post-traumatic syndrome, but once again tonight my friend reminded me their is always room for knowledge. We were discussing our teenage daughters and I had expressed my concerns with Kailey. We had been talking about choices that our girls are making and how we are different from them. How I wouldn't make the same choices as my daughter is...and sometimes I just don't understand that!! My dear friend reminded me that one of the hardest things is realizing that yes we did give birth to these girls, they are our daughters...but they are NOT us..they have their own personalities and decision making skills. She just put everything back into perspective...very simply. I like that...it reminds me of who I want to be, a better mother, a better friend.
She also tonight brought up a saying that she reminds herself of in times of difficulty.."Sometimes we just need to sit in our own shit!". You see... she gets it! We talked a bit about my blog that I wrote a little bit back regarding the movie "Extrodinarily loud and incrediably..." it was nice to hear someone say, I understand how you felt..see again, I don't feel alone!! She gets it! I talked tonight about how hard it is sometimes to remember back to certain times in my life, and how difficult it is to go back there. She responded with just that quote.."Sometimes we just have to sit in our own shit"...you know what?? She's absolutely right, and sometimes its nice to hear someone else give me that advice! She doesn't baby me, feel bad for me or even lie to me...Nor would I do that to her. We are candid with one another, we are honest and we are true.
My friend had a situation last week and was so happy to share this with me as she felt I would understand it. I love that she appreciates this about me!! She was picking up her daughter from a meeting, and as she was leaving the meeting her daughter was walking with a woman who has been a huge support for her whole family.
My friend was going to get out of her car to join the two who seemed to be having their own moment. They were clearly sharing in a conversation that seemed to be bonding them, my friend had sensed this from afar and decided to sit back down in her car and NOT join them. She wanted to allow them this moment, she knew it was perfectly healthy for her daughter to reach out to someone else and find understanding in another (not just mommy). She shared with me, how happy she was for her girlie, how wonderful it was that her daughter felt safe to step out of her comfort zone and trust in someone else and let them in. My dear friend spoke tonight about that incident and asked me...do you get it? Do you appreciate how happy I was for my daughter and how many other parents might get defensive or angry that their child found comfort in another?
I could totally appreciate that...and I completely understand it too. I explained how
my own son has a very special relationship with his nurse. He adores her..he shares everything with her, they laugh, joke, problem solve and understand eachother. It is such a wonderful relationship and in all honesty I couldn't be happier for him!! There is some space between Braden and I right now, sometimes I miss being the only "GO TO" person that he had. But, in order for him and I to have a healthy relationship...we need some space. Thankfully we are both knowledgable enough to understand that, because some parents might become jealous in situations like this. They would have a hard time coping with their child finding safety and trust in another person. I do watch as well from afar, and I can appreciate the relationship between them. There is no feelings of anger or jealousy at all...if anything, I am thankful she has come into our lives especially in such a critical time of family developement. OR maybe family changes...our roles are changing, and that is just normal..its suppose to happen. SO with that, we are blessed to have Jill. I couldn't have asked for a better supporter for Braden and I have complete faith and trust in her.
My friend was so pleased to hear that I TOO..live with this situation and in my opinion us mom's who respect our children and their feelings are the mom's who win all around. It's not easy FOR ME to have this space with Braden, I am his biggest fan, I honestly believe this man is a miracle and there is no one more proud of him than I. But in real life, in the real world...mommies and 18 year old men are not necessarily the best of friends..we are not meant to share every single aspects of our lives together. I do know that someday my boy will come back to me...he will again respect my thoughts and opinions and value our relationship. Until then, we are blessed to have Jill here...she is taking great care of my boy, and he just loves her!!
In times of pain and suffering...things change, better things emerge. Its focusing on the good that helps us survive, its being thankful for who we are and what we can offer and give back that make us rise above the others. Tonight we shared some wine with our dinner...we raised our glasses, and looked at one another..but neither of us said anything to our toasting...no words were spoken, we just knew.."Here's to us!"


My dearest friends...each of you have been instrumental in my life, you all have served a purpose. I am truly blessed to have each of you and I would not be who I am today if you wouldn't have been there in the beginning. Too the one who I call, when I want to seek revenge..you like no other has had my back through many times of sadness and anger. However you are one, who I have laughed with the very most in my whole life, you ALWAYS know what too say!! You know who you are~
To my longest friend, YOU are one who I have allowed to be close in my family. You are the one who has stood at the bedside of my medically fragile son. YOU have stood by my side being the least judgemental and has fiercly encouraged me to continue on...never to give up. YOU are the one who spoke in simple terms during times of frustration ALWAYS reminding me of who I started out as...YOU know who you are~
Until tomorrow my Zetas, my friends..good night and god bless~