On the weekend Paul and I went to see the movie "Extremely Loud & Incrediabley Close". It's the one with Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock. Its about how a young boy struggles with the loss of his father after 9/11. The young boys character is traumatically effected when his father is killed when the twin towers fall. The boy was very close to his dad, spent alot of time with him and his dad understood his "kinda odd" personality. Not only did his dad understand him, he encouraged him to succeed and always push himself through his fears and anxieties.
It was an ok movie, I enjoyed it more than Paul...but then again any movie that involves catastrophic events and "incrediably loud" pain hits home to me. There is one scene in this movie where the young boy looses himself. He has a moment where he physically destroys everything in his path, ripping apart all his hard work of trying to find the lock to a key he believes his father had left for him. He believes this key is a journey that will unlock a secret his father had left for him to find. He hopes this key will bring him closer to his father..even after his death. This young boy has such a deep yearning inside his soul to feel his father again, to hear his voice on last time, to feel connected again to him..that once he realizes its never going to happen the pain and grieve that he experiences is so overwhelming that he cannot control his emotions and he screams out with a force that overpowers him. This young actor did an amazing job, he was so young yet so convincing of the pain he was feeling. I felt it, I felt his pain...it brought back a few very powerful memories to me. I can't even begin to explain the feeling that comes from deep within...have you ever had a moment in life where the pain in your heart is so strong that you loose all control? Has it ever hurt so bad that you scream so loud your throat hurts, and feels like its closing over? I mean there aren't even tears at this stage, your screaming, head is pounding, throat is tight and you literally feel like there is nothing else going on around you. You literally black out. It is one of the most scariest, lonliest feelings in the world. There is absolutely nothing no one can do, the hurt is so painful your body aches and screaming is the only way of feeling a slight bit of relief. Everything in your head is heavy, and you almost feel like its going to burst. There is NO control and destroying things around you is what releases the pain and pressure built up inside you.
When this young boy was having his fit of rage, Paul leaned over asked me..."What is he doing?" Paul didn't understand what this young boy was feeling, why was he so irrational? What are these emotions the boy is feeling?
I became very quiet, in my head...i was totally relating to this young boy. I was in a moment, feeling everything he was feeling. Initially ifelt lonely, i was disappointed with Paul..i felt how could he NOT have had moments like this in life? Seriously, after EVERYTHING we have been through with my accident...but also in our marriage? I will not discuss certain events on my blog related to my marriage, I will save that for my book. Its just some things are too personal and putting it on here doesn't feel right. Please know that everything that we have been through has only made us stronger and we are very proud of who we have become...
So as I quietly sat there on our car ride home i turned to Paul and asked him "You mean to tell me...you have NEVER had a moment like that in life?" You have never lost complete control of yourself due to feeling so much pain? I could NOT understand how he could not have...I mean, we have been through more shit than most couples who have been married for 50 years, thankfully though...we are still together!
He admitted "NO", he has never had a moment like that! I was shocked and I was sad...i had wondered how he couldn't feel so sad when there were times of loss, suffering and pain! He explained he HAS been overwhelmed with sadness but just didn't react like that...I admitted to him right there and then..."maybe i don't really know you as well as I thought?"
Paul and I have ALWAYS had amazing communication skills, we have always managed to discuss things when needed. But, on Saturday night as we were driving home we both realized we have never really had the chance to sit down and go over our life events. We've never discussed how each of us seperatly felt through certain events or how we handled things seperatly or at times alone. When I look back at times when Braden had been hospitalized and on life support...our duty was to get him well. I did day shift at the hospital and Paul did night shift...we never really had the chance to discuss with eachother how WE were feeling or how we were coping, privately and seperately. Then by the time we would be released from the hospital, niether of us would want to talk about anything...we'd want to forget it, not talk about it. I guess all those years of surviving, passing in the night and bonding together physically...we didn't really talk about things. We didn't express our coping, we just looked at eachother and as long as we were both standing up right, we just kept going forward~
After some deep discussion, Paul and I had decided that we need to go back. We need to go back to the beginning, no holds bar and open up and share our feelings. There is so much that we have missed between eachother. Paul had NO idea that I even had moments like this young boy did in the movie. Then there were times in our marriage when neither of us had any idea what the other was thinking...so we are going back to pick eachothers minds, and get to know one another in an area of life that we feel may have been neglected.
Once we finished our discussion on "Fits of rage"..and coping skills, we both looked at eachother and realized WOW we have come soooo far!! We have beat the odds, and in all these years of marriage we are just realizing now how successful we really are. It hit me when I was spending time with a highshcool friend who I hadn't seen since highschool. She didn't know that I had an 18 year old son, she asked "So, is your husband your son's father?". I was dumbfounded!! I was shocked and initally slightly insulted. But, when you think about it..in her defence how many 18 year olds manage to stay with the same man for all those years, especially after surviving such a blow in life with having my car accident. It has NOT been an easy road for us, we have jumped,crashed,hurdled and tumbled through so many obstacels and for some reason...we always manage to come out of them together. Part of this sitting down and reliving our life together we hope to find the reason for this. I'm fasinated to know what it is about me that makes him want to be married to me...what is it that he loves so much to keep working on this? We want to find what makes us work, i like to believe its "true love", or that maybe we are "soul mates"? The romantic in me believes this...through everything, we always find eachother and always end up right beside one another. We are blessed, we really are..I have to say our love is strong, and we will continue to build, strengthen and nurture this love...
I am looking forward to going back in time, its actually going to help me with my book as there is so much I don't remember and hubby does. Its time to talk...its time to understand!
I will keep you posted Zeta"s..have a good night and god bless~
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