It went like this, I would spend the day with Braden at the hospital, dealing with doctors, specialist, CT scans, MRI's, therapy, childlife appts, nurses and at times the occassional visitor...and I mean occassional.
Paul would do evenings/nights...during the day he'd catch up on sleep cause typically he didn't get too much especially if he was in ICU, too many bells and whistles, trauma's and interruptions. Then he'd check in on Kailey who was usually shipped off to nana and papa's house for weeks on end never really understanding what was happening...probably unconsciously living in fear and uncertaintly. All the while missing her own stable life at home in the comforts of her own bed. I guess if you really think of her time during all this...it must have been extremely difficult. Not having her parents close, and when they were close, they would be so preoccupied with the upset they were dealing with. How do you truly enjoy a playdate at 8 years old when in the back of her mind she is constantly worrying about the welfare of her brother...or possibly even trying to comprehend something she may have over heard during adult conversation.
Ok, so back to my milkshake...The taste, smell and cold texture reminded me so vividly of how I felt every night leaving that hospital. Part of my ritual was to drive through MacDonalds in Dundas and grab a cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake. Almost every night, if Paul didn't come in early with a meal for the 2 of us to eat together..to catch up, to maybe steal an hour together sitting in a hospital room while Braden watched from the vicinity of his hospital bed. Typcially we'd put a movie on for him...while we had some time to catch up.
My drive home on those night were for the most part pretty weighty. Kinda sedate or reflective...what can I do to speed up things? What can I change in Braden's care tomorrow? Who do I need to touch base with? How is Kailey's school going? Is she ok? So many things going on...its what we call Hospital life.
Some nights however...those Strawberry Milkshakes may have been the only pleasure I have had that day...it may have been the force that had stopped me on many occassions from running my van into a ditch. Having that straw take control of the vulgar, angry and very sad emotions and words just errupting from my lips was probably the one thing that kept my mind from being misplaced. On those nights...I was scared, and that milkshake kept me current maybe even real.
During the drive today I even mentioned my routine to Braden, what that milkshake represented. His response was one I hadn't expected..."Mom, I can't imagine at that age..going through all that". I suppose with him in his 21 year..and slowly growing into a mature adult, he can now almost understand the magnitude of that time in our life. I did remind him that in the beginning back in 1995...when the accident had occurred I actually didn't leave his side, I never returned home. Not for four months. We chatted a few more minutes...the sun was shining, I can see small signs of spring coming through, my music was playing and I had my milkshake. Today that shake represented something alot different...it was just plain happiness~ All was well in the world, and there was nothing better that I would have been wanting to be doing. That moment today is literally one of those times when someone says to you "enjoy the small things in life"...seriously, I don't have words to describe how much I was enjoying that small thing in life...that milkshake...
Until tomorrow my zeta's good night and god bless~
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