Discrimination Begins In The Family~

As many of you know my job requires that I "council" or emotionally and mentally support others living through trauma or tragedy. Sometimes this can be a challenge. I am learning very quickly how different each one of us can be. What might work for me, may not work for others. Honestly, it can get very tricky trying to find all the right words of wisdom when dealing with certain people.
I have not come across anyone who I haven't gotten along with, every single client I have had so far we have bonded into a well respected relationship.  Having lived this well travelled road of Spinal Cord Injury recovery, life has taught me many un-desired skills some of which could never have been predicted. To some of my newer clients having recently been introduced to this world may not see my advice as clearly or maybe even comprehendible. It's hard at times, to look at them and say, "Please, just trust me with this". Especially when it goes against their own morals and idea's of faith and religion~

One of the first lessons I learned when parenting a young man with a Spinal Cord Injury, in which this was probably the longest taking lesson to learn was he is an individual human being. He is not attached to me, and will have his own ideas of what his life will look like for him.
This goes back to the very beginning. The day we give birth to our brand new, perfect bundle of sweetness. We consume our thoughts with everything wonderful, he will play hockey, he's going to be kind, well respected and go to church every Sunday. He is going to be a top honor student, have a girl friend, marry his high school sweetheart, succeed in his career an have 2 beautiful children. Life couldn't possibly be any better. This is possibly the closest to my set of dreams for my son. When your child reaches about the age of sixteen they begin to develop a sense of lets say "freedom and independence."
They begin to drive, start part time jobs, hang out with friends, girlfriends, parties and planning takes place for future education. The one thing you as parents may not see or witness are things that also begin to change the future of our young men. They become individuals, with likes and dislikes different from your own. They reach out for sexual relationships exploring the world of sexual maturity, all of which is a normal transition into young adulthood. They may seek out new religious groups possibly different from yours. Maybe they don't feel the need to achieve high marks and want to take up guitar lessons and join a band. Futures are theirs, realistically all we can do is give them all the resources they need to start on their own life journey. Its up to them to find their way, we have no control over that. We can support and educate and hope they find their own way to their definition of happiness.
Accepting that is one of the hardest lesson's for a parent. Trust me when I say, it took me a very long time to understand this. None of what my son was choosing as some times in his life was what I had potentially had planned for him. Nor was it things I had agreed with. NOW don't get me wrong my friends everything he was doing was exactly the same sh*t his father and I as well as all our friends were doing at his age. lol
So, being fair to Braden I have to go on to say he has always been a very level headed young man. He finished highshcool, went on too College, continued on with physical therapy, maintained friendships, volunteered with peer supports  through SCI association. He was even a member of the City of Cambridge teen council bringing information and accessibility to teens in our community. He was certainly not lacking in future goals, and I was never ever concerned of his life path. There was only one time in which we were worried about his mental health, and as parents we took the appropriate action and by the grace of god he followed through on his own to gain the tools needed to help him through that time.
So lets go back~
I have been meeting with a mom who has a son with C4 Spinal Cord Injury, he is 2.5 years post injury. He is 25 Years old, graduated highschool and was pursuing a decent career. He had many friends and was part of club that provided him with friendships based on the same interests. (Keeping this information very general inorder to protect their identity). They are a happy family with other children, all grown. This is still all so new to them and they have a very positive outlook on this change of course for his life. This mom finds her son to be "her rock" and "her reason for getting up every morning." He has been keeping her strong, and she is very proud of his positive outlook and personality.
She was very pleased to tell me about their set up at home for him. He has his own "apartment" downstairs. He seems pretty happy with his independence and own space but still is content to have his parents under the same roof. I had then asked her about a separate entrance for his friends or girlfriend?. She said at this time no, there is no separate entrance but will certainly look into that for the future.
She had asked me a bit about Braden's .weekend routine. We eventually realize that our once carefree weekends turn into attendant care hours. The injury doesn't disappear on Saturdays just because we deserve a much needed break. This my friends I think is the one thing that most families struggle with. It tends to be a common concern when discussing life after a Spinal Cord Injury. If your child/spouse or friend cannot do a transfer independently then how do they go to bed on a weekend without you having to stay up until they are ready? It doesn't matter that you are tired or you had a long week, not feeling well or want to just go to bed early. You have to be available, and that can take a toll on anyone.
I shared our ways with her, and some of the things we do on weekends. I told her to teach his friends how to put him into bed or hire privately. She wasn't comfortable with the idea of friends putting him to bed, but I made it clear that its up too her son and his buddies to figure that out. She really doesn't need to be concerned. We as mom's and caregivers tend to take on a lot of what their concerns would be. Things that really are out of our control. That's the part of being a mom, we want everything to be perfect for them...no struggles~ So instead of just trusting that his friends can get him to bed safely we stay up until 2am just too see them tucked in.
She seemed a bit cool about that, I could tell she wasn't sure. I had said, well if his friends come over and play video games and have a couple drinks they shouldn't be going anywhere. I had suggested they have some place for friends to sleep for the night if drinking occurs.
Once Braden turned the age where he and his friends were starting to drink I found it very difficult to be available to him. It was actually Braden who told me too leave him alone, and too stop worrying.  He said if his friends put him to bed when he is drinking, if he makes it in the bed without incident then its a good night. But if by chance they are just too intoxicated and he ends up on the floor...then that's his choice.
This is an example of things that had to be tolerated when every thing in my soul was screaming NO! The reason is simple.
Like I had mentioned up above, when our kids become a certain age they seek out new adventure and in most cases this includes drinking, partying and having a good time. Most parents don't have to witness this behaviour, its easy for them. If we don't see it...it isn't happening. YA RIGHT!
Don't you think for one moment if you have a teenage son or daughter they are not at least experimenting with alcohol. Look at the course of history, it is something every single generation has done since the beginning of time. Most of us do it, and then become parents and expect our own children not too..lol

So this is where the problem lies for parents like myself and Paul as well as my new found friends.
We have to see it....its that simple. Sadly, our young adult children are not capable of going off to someone else's home when the parents aren't there to drink and party. In most cases their friends homes are not modified or accessible for wheelchairs. This either leaves your son or daughter out in the cold, stuck at home every single Friday/Saturday night. Over the course of time my friends this will cause some serious mental health problems for your child.
My point, it is a natural progression for children to seek out companionship in core group activities who share in the same interests. Its only normal for young adults to want to be with friends and have a good time. Not only is it normal but its also necessary and healthy.
I remember working with a very seasoned psychologist when we were dealing with this issue. For my new client this was something she couldn't fathom., she just wasn't able to conceive the notion that her son could be entertaining his friends socially in his new apartment. Even though it was his space she just couldn't comprehend her son having some drinks in her home.
As parents we forget they are just being normal, happy 25 year old men. The one thing that is very difficult for parents to accept is that even though we may not condone this behaviour in our homes, they have the right to make their own choices. Even if its in your home, because unlike all the other guys who can get to other people's homes or even clubs the person in the wheelchair may not have access. It may not be an option.

When we were choosing to look the other way when Braden was under age drinking with friends, the psychologist we were working with reassured us it was going to be ok. He made it very clear that it is something we have to be fair about. If Braden was able bodied he would have found a way to get out with his buddies to have some beers and party. It is a natural progression of growth and maturity.
Blindly going into this we did our best under the circumstances. We allowed his friends in our home on some weekends, they respected our quiet policy the best they could lol. They were always appreciative of Paul and I, and we rarely ever had any problems. They were definitely a good group of kids. I suppose really I should have been thankful they were in my home, at least they were safe, we knew where they were and technically we had control over the situation. Honestly, it was a very trying time for us. We had to give up a lot of our home, space and time to accommodate Braden during those years. Looking back now, I wish I would have known that it wasn't going to last too long. The phase passed, he did start going out with friends and taxied home. Usually a friend would spend the night and put him into bed. Today he is a well rounded, social, happy young man who managed to experience just as much as the average able bodied person.
It was a sacrifice for Paul and I, it went against everything we believed in as parents. But now we are through that time and happily on the other side and I know we made the right decisions regarding the drinking, friends and partying. If we would have sheltered him, kept him from those experiences I can guarantee you this...he would have been a very angry, bitter depressed young man with absolutely no social skills.

Balance is the key to growing up healthy, in every single aspect.
What this mother has to recognize now that her son is living in her home, is that he is an individual and before his accident he was more than likely enjoying his life like every other 23 year old man. If she starts to judge him, or try to take away those freedoms he will become angry. Even though she may not agree with it, it is still his life. Very difficult to understand when you are a full time caregiver.
When we touched on the topic of girlfriends, she stated "we haven't had to deal with that". This led me too believe he probably kept most of his female relations outside of the home. This mom would have not given it a second thought as too where her son was spending time with his girlfriend. Certainly they would have had their way's to be together, they are healthy active young adults. Guaranteed they would have had a routine set up to have "quality" time together. This is something parents of "able-bodied" don't ever have to consider. Once again my friend if you have a breathing, happy, well-adjusted teenager who has a significant other you bet your sweet ass they are exploring one another.

I asked this mom if she has given any thought to a girlfriend spending the night with him. She responded with "no", I then explained our first experience with a girlfriend spending the night. How it was seriously one of most terrifying parenting moments of my life. Paul and I had to once again keep our noses out of his business. Well, I mean we did have some rules in the house. Some of which were broken by one of his girl friends.
All I could think of was how this young man was probably wondering exactly how and when he was going to have another night spent beside a young lady.
Let's be honest here, most young men and woman are sexually active. Now if you do have a child who does not want to have sex before marriage then that is great for you. However sex is not just intercourse, and every single young person is wanting some form of comfort and human connection. Just because this young man is now a quadriplegic, doesn't mean he isn't craving connections from the opposite sex.

 I told his mom exactly how trying it was to know that a girlfriend was spending the night, and how we had to "look away". I understand if you are  having trouble envisioning this, I mean it wasn't easy for us either. Once again we found ourselves justifying a behaviour we didn't necessarily believe in. We also had a younger teenage daughter in the home who was witness to the flexibility of rules. Communication was the most important coping mechanism available to our family.
 I'm not sure how things would be different in our home if Braden wouldn't have been paralyzed. In my home growing up my dad was very strict, there was no way in hell I would ever had been allowed to have Paul sleep over in my bed. But.....nothing stopped me from going over to his house and sleeping in his bed. Now to be honest, I'm not sure I would have been completely comfortable sleeping in my childhood bedroom with Paul when I was 18 years old. So it probably wouldn't have been an issue for my parents anyways, I was just that kind of girl.

Going back to my conversation with the other mom, sometimes I feel my job also entitles education. If you think of the natural progression of human development then in most cases teenagers will be developing into sexual beings. Most parents just don't have to see it, like stated above if they want to have sex then they will find a place and time to do just that. But when you have a young man/woman with a Spinal Cord Injury or anyone using mobility devises like a wheelchair, then that makes it 100 times harder to get out of the house and into a place where sex can be hidden and secret. In most cases that's not going to happen, so that leaves you with a very unhappy, depressed and sexually stonewalled young adult. Seriously, something so normal and needed in life is taken away along with the ability to walk, run, dance and move freely without the use of aids.
We worried about that. What would that do to him psychologically, emotionally and mentally. He is a young man, just because he can't walk doesn't mean he won't have needs.
With lots of advice and guidance we once again found ourselves turning a blind eye. Reminding ourselves its his life, his choices and his relationships. We have no say in any of that. Uncomfortable conversations were had, things discussed that you would never imagine discussing with your 18 year old son. This was OUR normal, it might not be the same as your family dynamics but its ours. The most important thing in the world to Paul and I is our children's happiness. We had to learn to take our morals and beliefs and put them aside inorder for our son to find his own way. Of course we gave him all the information, and we did raise him to be a respectful young man. He never once dishonored our "new" rules, he never disobeyed our boundaries. Even though we were allowing somethings to take place in our home, its still our home.
When I was speaking to this mom about the prospect of her son having female visitor's her response was "Oh my husband is strict Catholic, he won't tolerate any of that", "This is our home, he won't disrespect us like that." In her defence she has no idea just yet what life is going to hit her with in the very near future. Paul and I have been living this life a very long time, and we have acquired much knowledge throughout the years.
You see when recovering from a trauma, it takes quite some time to become accustomed to this new world. You meet so many wonderful people, transitions are made, therapists become family, homes are renovated, doctor appointments become weekly visits, health teaching is daily and you are in a whirlwind of busyness. What you don't see coming is the quiet. When it all disappears~
Eventually, you settle into your new normal, people go back to work, therapists visit less, doctor appointments are needed less and then you are hit with reality. So once the reality sets in for this young man and he realizes his friends are working, going to school, getting married and having children. Moving past and moving on in life, he's going to figure out pretty quickly "what's my next move". Where are my relationships with friends, he is going to miss flirting, dates and sex. If her son can't leave the house to find another accessible bedroom, or someone to help him make a transfer into "her" bed....how the hell is he going to grow and become an independent sexual man?
I understand this is not something is capable of thinking about. All the things discussed above are pretty difficult too apprehend as a parent. In the beginning, for me my own desire was too provide my son with "the best quality of life." This is something that I vowed to forever make possible for Braden. That included sacrifice,  something these parents were about to get a crash course in.

We can encourage our children to make good choices, we can influence them to be spiritual or religious followers and we can certainly ignite passion for positive living. But at the end of the day, the roads they choose, the morals they develop and what they want to hold close to their own hearts is their choice.
Even though we shed some tears over those teenage years, moments of uncertainty. Wondering all along if we were making the right parenting choices I have to say we ended up doing a pretty damn good job. Today I can say we are sitting on the other side and I am very content with how things turned out. Braden did not suffer from any lack of experience, we did not hinder his growth and maturity by ramming our morals and beliefs down his throat. We allowed him to find his own path, he made his own mistakes and he learned from them. That is exactly how life works, just because he cannot walk doesn't mean he shouldn't have the same experiences other young men are having.
I will continue to work with this mom, I do understand her hesitance. It is not easy turning your back on things that you once found morally unacceptable. I have to say it was one of the hardest parenting problems we faced.
Although it may have been a challenge, we always managed to maintain harmony in this house. Respect for all parties was the most important, communication was also high on priority. We can let our adult children build themselves, they need the freedom to do so. Whether they are able bodied or not, even when they are reliant on you the most precious gift you can give them is independence.
Well my lovelies, Until next time good night and god bless~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daugther #81~ Never stop dating your husband

The #81 Never stop dating your husband~

That's it Fox~

Easy!

It is so hard to forget one another when you are married with children. Typically you both set out in a relationship with the best of intentions to love one another forever and ever~

              
           (Our engagement night~Christmas eve 1989)

Reality is...once you have that first baby, you feel a love like no other. You truly think you couldn't possibly love anyone or anything more that that baby. Truth is you won't, but most importantly to that baby the love you have for your husband will by far the most important love of all.
Children feel safe when their parents love eachother, when children are safe they grow up feeling confident with a sense of self-resect. 

                (Me and My favorite Freckled Fox)

Your dad and I have never stopped "dating". I remember when we were first admitted to MacMaster Hospital with Braden, one of the key supports provided was for dad and I was for our marriage.
If we would sit too late at Braden's bedside, usually by 11:30pm the doctors would make their rounds and peek in on him. If we were there still Dr.Malcolmson would always come in and sit down with us and remind us to take care of eachother. He use to tell us to go get a bottle of wine and have a date.
At the time we were living at the Ronald MacDonald house, so we didn't have a lot of "alone" time. We shared a kitchen, livingroom, games room and dining room. I'm not complaining as honestly it was a safe haven in a world so foreign to us.
Nana and Papa were also very concerned and supportive of our relationship. I think it was one of Nana's biggest fears that I would lose my marriage over this trauma. They constantly took shifts with Braden at the hospital. Your dad and I would go out on a weekend evening to have dinner, sit amongst all the normal happy people living their lives and enjoying their freedom.
I suppose for us, we never took for granted the time we had together and for that every single moment alone spent together was truly a blessing.
After our date night, we'd head back to the hospital just in time to tuck Braden in or watch a quick movie with him. Chat with the nursing staff, have a visit with Nana and Papa and then off they would go.
Most weekends however were spent the same, we would order food and have it delivered to ICU. We'd watch a movie, just the three of us. We would listen to music, read books or play with him. Eventually the doctors prescribed a drug to help Braden relax and fall asleep. Some nights he wouldn't give in and sleep until the wee hours of the morning.  He was so nosey...lol
Chloral hydrate was the drug of choice, and the nursing staff had orders to give it too him when we were ready. Some nights he fought it and we didn't get out of the ICU until 11pm. On the rare occasion he'd be asleep by 10pm and on those nights we would run out of there with our pagers. Its not like we wanted to leave him all the time, because truly I believe the doctors finally realized we weren't leaving every night until Braden fell asleep. So it was their idea to give him some meds to make that happen quicker..lol I know they worried about Paul and I.

Back to dating, I do remember if we got out early enough we would go to Tim Horton's and grab a coffee and then we'd go for a drive.
We would drive all around Hamilton, just so we could talk, listen to the radio and touch base with the outside world. We would head up too the mountain and sit in his car. Those were dates, to us it meant everything. It was our time, we loved to be with each other.
It was because of Nana and Papa dad and I could continue to date through those earlier years. We trained them with the medical procedures and eventually we could head out and go to dinner on a Friday night. Even though we couldn't stay out late, we loved the freedom. We were the only two in our world completely knowing and understanding how the other one felt. It is a bond that has for sure been challenged but never broken. For that reason I believe our family has been successful.
Eventually and thankfully you came along, and you joined our little family. Although that added a new level of "strain" considering we still had a medically fragile child, we still continued to date.

(Do you remember this Valentines day? We had a romantic dinner planned with you kids. Dad cooked his famous shrimp dish. We had lobster and we toasted one another. It was one of my favorite valentines Day. It was important to us that you kids had the chance to experience what romance and Valentine's day should be about)

                   (To Us, the Martz family ~Cheers)

There is something you don't know, dad and I were very sneaky with date nights. On weekends when we couldn't get out of the house to date, if Braden was sick or you were or maybe it was a busy family weekend. After you and Braden would go to bed, we would go to basement, watch a movie and dad would go to Burger King and we'd get Bacon Cheeseburgers and Fries...and we would sit down stairs, watch our movie and eat our burgers. Best Date Nights EVER!
We were so in love with our lives, we both understood not to take advantage of one another or the time we had. I can't even explain how every moment alone to us was amazing~
There were moments after you were born, and we couldn't no longer stay at the Ronald MacDonald  house. It was a choice, we didn't want to uproot you. We wanted you to have your school, gymnastic classes, skating classes and homecooked meals. You wanted to be with friends and of course Harley. So nana and papa stayed with you through the day, and I would be home at night. But during those years dad and I did have less time alone together when Braden was hospitalized. We did however take 30 minutes each day during shift change to have a coffee together in the hospital cafeteria. We would catch up, usually about you. Discuss my day at the hospital and Braden's condition. Those to us, were dates. As sad as it was, again it was our time. I can truly say...during those moments there is no one else in the world I wanted to be with.
Today we still date.
We try to get out one night a week,(Red Basil Thursday date night ;)) and of course a night on the weekend.
We don't have as much freedom as others do, we can't pick up easily and leave for a weekend or a night. As you know there is a lot of planning involved at this time in our life.
But that's no excuse Fox. We still need time together, and that takes creativity. Thankfully we do have a cottage that we can run off too on occasion and have a romantic evening. Once you hit 40-50 years old it can get challenging to come up with romantic ideas for date night. I will always remind you....it is so important to always find the time to plan, orchestrate and execute the perfect night in with hubby.
Now, that's not always going to be your job. Take turns planning date night. You know my rule about communication between spouses. Never put expectations on eachother, do not think he can read your mind about what you would like for a date night. Tell him what you want. Give him complete instructions of your expectations, that's how men work. They don't all think like women, and you can't hold that against them. If you share your wants and he pulls it off, then you have yourself a good man. It shouldn't matter that you have to give him a shopping list of food options, candles and chocolate sauce. He will learn fox...its up to you too teach him.
I only hope your dad has taught you how you deserve to be treated by a man. That was his job as a daddy to a little girl. He took that job seriously, and I know the man you marry will have a best friend in him forever as long as he loves you as much as your dad does.

This past weekend dad and I had a date night. As you know we don't have a real fireplace in our cottage (sadly). But that didn't stop us from having indoor S'mores complete with a little adorable flame.

We locked ourselves in our little cottage and did absolutely nothing but "Netflix and chill"..sorry Fox, but its true~
So as you venture out into the world of dating and finding a potential future hubby....always be sure you make time for one another. There should be NO excuses, if your dad and I could do it under those circumstances that we survived. Then my baby, you should certainly be capable of it too. When life is busy crazy, nights come quick, mornings come quicker, take the time to touch base. All you need is 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to connect. For the rest of your married life, even through the chaos, DATE. I promise we will be there for you, we will be sitters anytime you need. To us, your marriage will always be a priority. If it hadn't been for nana and papa's love and commitment to dad and I...we may not be sitting here tonight having our tea, watching The Little Couple.
We love you and both you and Braden will always have us in your corners for fulfilling healthy, happy marriages. Not in a meddling kind of way, we don't want to be TOO involved. That's one thing nana and papa did as well, they always respected our own unique family life. Never judging, arguing or challenging our choices. They are truly the best teachers we ever had, and I will be forever grateful to them both. I promise to be the best I can for you~
My lovelies, if you are reading this I hope you can take away something from my experiences. I hope that you have the same love and respect for one another as Paul and I do for eachother~
So until tomorrow good night and god bless~

Letting Go Of Guilt`

 

I want to share a story with you, its a story my psychologist shared with me about hanging onto guilt. He actually tells a lot of stories and if I can remember them I will share them here with you. This one in particular was pretty simple, very explanatory...straight to the point and I like that. One thing I have to say about this doctor and our dealings around my PTSD and guilt is his ability to make things really uncomplicated. Here's just an example of that....

A very long time ago, 2 monks were walking through a forest area. There were many trees, bodies of water, hills and valley's and mountains in the distance. The monks eventually came too a river that was deep and had a powerful flowing current. As the men reached the river a young lady that was travelling through the forest came too them. She asked for their help to cross the river. She was scantly dressed, kind of revealing. One of the monks stepped up and offered to help her without hesitation. He said "sure I can help you" and he had her go on his shoulders and he kindly crossed through the river with her safely on his shoulders. When he got to the other side, he set her down and she thanked him. Immediately she went about her way all on her own. When the two monks eventually reached their destination, about 3 days later the one monk turned to the other and said "you know, you really shouldn't have helped that lady cross the river", "it was not a smart thing to do". "Why is that?" asked the helpful monk. "Well because she was not dressed appropriately, she was showing too much of her skin". "That is against our belief ,morals, and our way of life".
The Monk responded with "after I took her across the river, I set her down and let her go", "you however have seemed to continue to carry her with you the past 3 days"

To you, this might just be a silly story I have shared. You might not understand the significance or meaning behind it. But let me tell you, It certainly spoke volumes to me.
After he finished this little story I sat there, staring at him thinking "my god, how can something so challenging in my life be so simple to fix?' Let it go....don't carry it with me anymore. The guilt, set it down and move on. Sounds easy right?
It can be easy I suppose because technically its a choice, I work hard at this choice every single day.
I really do understand the importance of once the situation is over, let it go. Like the man who crossed the river with the lady on his shoulders, he let her down and moved forward not even thinking twice about it. However the other guy for the three days that followed continued to carry with him the thoughts of that scantly dressed girl. So which one was hurting more? The one carried her, or the one who thought about it for three days.

I do not really believe its easy to just let guilt go..but when I put it in perspective it really does make sense to me. Why carry with me the events of that day, who is it helping? Its actually taking away my quality of life, and probably effecting my family as well.
Most people live with a one form of guilt, I get that. We all make mistakes, everyone has something about themselves that they are upset about. If you my friend, find yourself reading this post and you can honestly relate. Please let whatever it is holding you back go. Give yourself the permission to forgive, the only one you are hurting is you~
Well my lovelies, I hope you are all doing well. Until tomorrow good night and god bless~

The delta and living with PTSD~

 

 

 

There is something about the Delta Intersection here in Cambridge that can at times cause me great overwhelming anxiety and stress~

 I have a memory that is sometimes triggered just by stopping at it.

 

As many of you know I recently went back into seeing a Psychologist for my PTSD. One thing that we are working on is flashbacks and memory recall. I suppose the best way to explain this would be too break down how this all came about. I don't really share much about my memories or PTSD, I would never ever be driving with you through the Delta and tell you what I may be experiencing. Most times I am alone when it swallows  me up...but what goes through my mind when I sit at that intersection is this..

 

 

" Each lane you see in that picture above had a police car with their lights on, a police officer standing at the front of their car with their arms crossed and lights flashing. I could see them as we were approaching the delta. The police were there too stop all traffic, you could see them waiting patiently for the ambulance that was carrying Braden to pass through safely. I remember being so shocked, and frightened of the severity of  my situation. Its not everyday the police force shuts down the Delta. I was following behind in a police cruiser, terrified, worried and devastatingly sick as to what my child may be going through".  Very recently I realized why I was not in that ambulance. They do not allow parents in the vehicle when they feel the child may not make it. How devastating is that?! 

 Its just not something I would bring up, but please know if more than likely at one time or another we have driven through the Delta together I have definitely had a flashback that I have pushed to the back of my mind. Typically ignoring it so I didn't have a panic attack in your presence. It is for this reason I am where I am today, filing through my memories and taking the time to acknowledge them.

 

We started up back at Braden's gym in Hamilton lately, the one that he attended as a small child. He went back in high school for a few years but I believe my dad took him for many of those visits. Anyways I found myself during our first visit back feeling sad, down and a bit overwhelmed. I didn't quite understand where it may have been coming from.

So many memories, it goes back to our first drive too MacMaster Hospital right after my accident. Once I was cleared from Cambridge hospital, Paul, my mom and myself headed to MacMaster to be with Braden. He was transferred immediately, looking back I'm not too sure why they held me back.

Driving back to Mac just triggered a whole bunch of memories.

When I was talking to my doctor about that, mostly because of what happens when I am stopped at this intersection, he informed me that those memories will never leave. We can just work on them becoming less and less. He said, during our years of living through the chaos, I was just surviving. Each single trauma was noted, placed in a little box and put in a closet stored in my mind. My memory bank is over stalked with too many captures. During the time of living through them I didn't have the time to deal with them. and keeping busy was a way to distract myself from reaching in and pulling one out so that I could assess, feel and let it go~

I suppose this is where I am today,  I am opening up those closed boxes and giving them the attention they need. I will bring myself to face them and then I will let them go....and move forward.

My doctor did say my circumstances are challenging because I still live with the situation that brings me so much anxiety and fear. I need to be patient with myself, sometimes I get very frustrated and I feel weak, I don't ever give myself permission to have these feelings. I worry greatly about what others will think, and I am incredibly tired of that.

So that my friends is why I am sharing, because I know there is someone I can reach out too. I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my current state. I am a realist, and I am a doer...when there is a problem or concern, I fix it.  

Well my lovelies, until tomorrow good night and god bless~

 

 

I love this quote~

After today's session I found this quote to be fitting~ 

Still slaying demons, smiling bright like a diamond through it all<3 

I suppose we each have a definition of "troubled past". For me it would be the demons of guilt. 

Short post tonight my friends, I'm working on a couple bigger ones. Those will follow in the very near future! 

So until tomorrow good night and God bless~

Raspberry-Choc Mug Cake With Chilli~

I tried another mug cake, it was wonderful~

 

I think from here on in I will add the page the mug cake recipe is on. That way you can follow it yourself.

 

Here I am being all creative with my photos, you need one ounce of butter to start.

Put the butter and chocolate in your mug and melt in microwave, but then let it cool for a couple seconds.

Add your brown sugar, flour and baking powder.

Mix well, add your raspberries, and chilli powder. Don't mix too much though cause you want your raspberries too stay close to the top of the cake.

When I first saw the ingredient Chili Powder was included I was not sure. Who puts chilli powder in chocolate cake? Sounded weird to me, but I went with it.

It ended up being such a cool combination. Little bit of heat, little bit of sweet. It was delicious, even Paul enjoyed it.

 

Here you have it, the finished product. I have to admit these mug cakes are not as sweet as I had thought. Not that I don't mind that, I suppose I could add more sugar or possibly more chocolate. I know I wouldn't be able to make this for Sunday family dinner dessert. My dad likes his sweets, this for sure would be need to be topped with a whole bunch of chocolate icing. If i'm being honest, I like a rich, sweet dessert too lol, I must get that from my pop's!

Well my lovelies, I hope you are liking these mug cake desserts. I am having fun with them.

Until tomorrow my friends, good night and god bless~

Where is this blog heading in 2016...

I have done a lot of thinking this past year, 2015 had me very confused about blogging. I wanted to share, I didn't want to share. Some things I wanted to blog about but others I wasn't too sure about. Most importantly I was trying to be cautious of our privacy. I have SO much to share, so much to say...but sometimes I struggle with how important it may be too you. I have so many readers, some who do reach out and email me. The ones who are raising their own children with special needs I absolutely love to hear from you. I suppose most of my life experience posts seem to be from a long time ago. At times I find maybe too some of you the information is irrelevant. It was so long ago, we have come through those years and are moving forward. But with all that said I still have a desire too write and share.

Three reasons why I feel the need to share.

1. I blog first and foremost for myself.
2. During the years of stumbling forward I didn't speak of what life was like behind closed doors. I rarely shared with family and friends how life was for us.
3. I want to help those who are now raising a child with special needs, I have a lot of life experience and I want to share it. I do not think we have done a perfect job of it, we have made many mistakes. I want to share those too, along with my reasons behind some of the decisions we made.

Although I have some friends and family who read my blog, and I am so grateful to the ones who do. I have been asked many times through the years "What can I do too help you". There is not much you can or could have done during many times, but I could use some support here on this blog. As many of you know I am working towards writing a book, and sadly much of that I cannot share on this blog because anything I write will then be owned by Blogspot. So I have to be careful with what I share. Much of my blogs are based around memories, some of which will trigger thoughts and feelings
so that I can remember events for my book.

I don't ask for comments, I'm not interested in reliving these moments in time. I do not get emotional anymore when writing them. What I do need is to be challenged. What do you want to know,  what can I do differently to make this story a better read? What are the things that interest you the most about my life's journey?

I am going to continue to share with you my hike through PTSD recovery. I am sure someone will eventually come across this blog and be able to understand and relate to that.

So I suppose this year 2016 I am going to continue on blogging, but with purpose. This blog for this year will be focusing on the same things I have in the past. Parenting a child with special needs, raising a medically fragile child and how to overcome the trials and tribulations of that. I will include my struggles with life, health, happiness, family and friendships and where that has taken me today. I can only hope that I will continue to bring justice to my story. Some things will remain only for the book, but I promise to be brave. I will share the ups, downs, ins and outs the good, bad and the ugly. Its not going to be easy, but I want to be better.
I will continue sharing with you my 100 things I want to Teach my daughter. That is something I want to leave too Kailey, although it is being shared publically its all something I would say to her or anyone else. No secrets~
Eventually I will start 100 things I want to teach my son....well then that will be funny :)

I cannot commit too every day, but I will agree better content.

So there we have it my lovelies, please stay engaged. Please keep checking in with me. I will do my very best to keep you engaged.

Good night chummy's, until tomorrow god bless~

Medically Fragile Child In This Home~

Boy I wish I would have had this sign back in the day. It would have made life so much easier, especially when having company. It was always so difficult turning people away or asking them to cut their visit short if they were ill. Having to turn people away from visits was always heart breaking. It was even worse when we had too cancel plans because on of their kids became ill, or the parent was suspecting an illness. Most winters were like this, flu season was always the worse. It made it challenging sometimes to explain to people that even though your child only has a runny nose and dry cough, it could potentially become fatal for Braden. Trying to keep Kailey healthy during flu season was hard as well. Sometimes play dates were cancelled for her too, we couldn't let her bring something home to Braden.

So this is something that has effected our family from the very beginning. It still does change the way we live our lives even today. I have found at times some people in our lives have not understood this. I use to get asked all the time.."Why can't you come on Saturday?" "Why can't you stay longer?" We'd love to have you stay until after dinner. Why are you rushing out so soon?

It use to drive me f***in crazy. I not only hated the fact that we couldn't live a normal life like you were, I absolutely detested the fact that now I had to explain to you over and over again WHY we can't come to your function. It was like rubbing salt in an open wound. If any of you are out there and you have a friend or family member with a medically fragile child, don't ask a 100 questions of why they declined your invitation. How about you educate yourself on the condition of your friend or family members child's situation.

Do them a favor and instead of making them feel terrible for not being able to make you happy, how about after your dinner party you run over to their house with a care package and some dessert, maybe even some wine. Cause let me explain something too you. There is nothing normal happening in their house. All of the things you can enjoy and maybe even take for granted is something they can only dream about. The thought of being able to invite friends over to their house, make dinner and share a bottle of wine with a great friends or family is something they only wish to do. I can guarantee you, any family with a medically fragile child is only dreaming of sitting around your table, carefree sharing in your company, stories, drinks, games and entertainment.

No parent of an ill child is ever able sit without worry around your dinner table, their mind is sadly not on you or your dinner. Their mind would be on their child, worried and watching the clock anticipating the time they are leaving to go home.

 

Even though I say that, and can totally relate to this situation it doesn't mean we don't want to go out and get our minds off of the things we are dealing with at home.

There is nothing you can do to change their worries, just be patient and understand their needs. Parents of medically fragile children will be the most honest down to earth people you will ever have in your life. They don't have time for drama or ridiculous demands, they need nothing more than a soft place to land. A place of acceptance, light carefree expectations. Simplicity~

Getting back to photo and the list of rules placed in our homes, this is something I so wish I had back when Braden was younger.

One of the hardest parts of my life, back in the day was having to decline invitations or cancel plans with friends and family. It was always one of the most difficult thing to do. Especially when there were kids involved. We were lucky enough that honestly through the years we had a busy enough house. We always had play dates, lunch dates, crafts, games and movies at our home. Not to mention the swimming parties and birthday parties. Our children did not suffer from lack of friendships and good times.

What my children suffered from was the cancellation of all those things. I will forever be thankful that my friends took this situation very seriously. There were times when we had plans for a day with friends, and sadly if one of their kids came down with a cough or even a sniffle we would get the call and I would have to make a decision about whether or not we could take a chance of Braden getting sick.

The problem for Braden was simply due to the fact that something as simple as a common cold could turn into full on pneumonia for him. He doesn't have very good reserve in his lungs because he lacks in muscle strength in his core.  You and I use a whole bunch of muscles when we breath, he only has his accessory muscles. The ones in his upper trunk, he has to use his shoulders to raise his ribs in order to sustain large enough air entry into his lungs.

If by chance he did get sick, it most definitely always ended up in his chest. He doesn't have the strength to cough and clear out his lungs. This always posed a life threatening issue for him, pneumonia or RSV could become fatally dangerous. It was so scary.

My friends knew this, and always backed out when one of their kids showed sign of illness. Even if they were at another friends house the day before, and that friend had a cough or illness we would still have to cancel our play date.

Many tears shed because of cancellations. Not just my kids, but me too. I needed the interaction just as much as they did. Most times I was looking forward to having an afternoon with a girlfriend while our kids played.

We also struggled with family functions through the years. I can't remember how much we shared with Paul's family. We tried to do our best to explain situations to them, but many times we would be so upset we would shut down and shut people out. It was never personal, it was just too stressful at times for us to elaborate. I guess if things were to be different and we knew then what we know today we would have had a spokes person for our Martz family. Someone who we could rely information too, and then have that person pass on the information.

We did spend many years walking out early at functions, and I know some don't fully understand why.

In the very beginning we made a pact, Paul and I did. If we all couldn't go to a family gathering then none of us did. We were family, and the most important people in our lives were under our roof. Many times I would tell Paul to go, if Braden was sick and we couldn't attend an Easter dinner or birthday party. Most times he refused, I do understand why he did but I always felt so bad that we couldn't make it. You have to remember that most times we were up every two hours through the night banging on Braden's chest and doing Ventolin treatments so that we could clear his lungs free of the mucus. Otherwise pneumonia would set in, and off to the hospital we would go. Usually resulting in life support and intubations. THIS would be worse case scenario. Every intubation and chest trauma would be a life or death situation, and I truly believe people couldn't comprehend that.

I admire our dedication to our family, although I would want Paul to go to his families dinner he wouldn't dream of walking out on us. We were a team and we got through things together.

I only wish today, I would have had the tools back then to express our feelings and share what life was like behind closed doors. We were young, scared and just trying to survive. We didn't have a lot of time to think about how our decisions may have been effecting others. At the time I cared, I worried constantly about how others felt about us not being there. I added so much stress to my own life, ridiculous~

Deep down the most important things in my life were planted securely in the walls that housed our home.

We are in a different place today, we still need to careful of those who are sick. We do not let people come to our home who are ill, or have been with someone who was ill. We avoid hospitals, public places or any other form of spreadable diseases.

Its not uncommon still today for us too have to cancel plans because Braden isn't well, and the same goes for Braden.  He relies on good health more than anyone I know. He has too monitor his nurses, friends and family and make sure no one is ill when they come into our home. It can get depressing, frustrating and difficult.

This is where you can come in, this is exactly what I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have educated those In our lives how they could help us out during times of illness. Or when we had to cancel plans due too the threat of contamination.

I can only imagine your devastation when we would cancel or leave early from a function...but can you not see our disappointment. Sometimes we were judged, I did feel like sometimes you were annoyed. Could you not understand how hard it was for us? Our children missing out on time spent with family and friends. Having to leave before the candles are blown on a birthday cake, walking out on a board game, missing out on the coffee and dessert because we couldn't risk Braden's life with the cough coming from one of your kids.

I know there are some of you out there who are living this right now, so I am going to leave you some advice. Whether you are a parent or family member of  even a friend of medically fragile child, here is some help so you can understand, relate and support your loved ones.

 

One thing most of us with medically fragile children hates is asking for help, we don't want to put anyone out. If you were to take initiative and pick one thing to do for your family member or friend, it would make a world of difference. Something as simple as asking for a grocery list, stop by pick up their debit card, shopping list and go do their shopping. For me, this would have been so very helpful. There was nothing worse than spending a day at the doctors, then hospital for chest xrays, treatments, physio, picking up Kailey from school and not having anything in the house for dinner. I suppose maybe if today there are services that you can reach out too for groceries. I system where they do your shopping and drop it off at your home. Or if you know your friend is spending the day with a sick a child, and you know they are exhausted from the night care drop off a casserole. You don't need to stay for a visit, you are busy in your own life and 99% of the time you friend won't want  you too stay anyways. Its nothing personal, its just any time they get to themselves its usually needed to Energize and regroup.

Many families dealing with chronically ill children are running on nothing less than short fumes. Some days I didn't know where to start, my days would be so chaotic. I remember in winter months when Paul would have to go to work early mornings, and we would have had a heavy snowfall. Before leaving for work he would clear the driveway, and brush off my van trying to make my day somewhat easier for me. Lets take a glimpse of how things usually went:

Typically we would be up every 2-4 hours doing chest physio, postural drainage, Ventolin treatments through the night. Waking him to breath deep and cough so we could clear his lungs. Mornings would roll around, I would have a tea, do another medical treatment, wake Kailey, make breakfast, tend to Braden's morning routine, get myself dressed, assist Kailey with anything she needs, make sure her lunch was ready, and then check outside. Most times we'd have another snow squall pass through which then left another load of snow nicely covering my driveway and path for Braden's wheelchair. Not to mention the inches that were now blanketing my van that I had to find the strength to clear away. You may wonder why I had to get Braden out of bed in the mornings if he is sick, but usually he would have a doctor appt. just to check his lungs to make sure there was no collapse.

I can't even begin to explain what someone coming to shovel my driveway would have done for my life at those moments.

 

I did have a couple mornings where I walked out and someone had come over and shovelled. I'm not sure who it was, and most times we were so busy there wasn't time to find out so we could say thank you. If you are living in an area and there is a family with a child who is medically fragile, special needs or physically handicapped, for you to take away a chore like shovelling a driveway, clearing a path for a wheelchair or mowing a lawn for a very fatigued parent, you will be answering a prayer.

 

 

This goes for family members and friends as well, reach out to them. We all know you are busy as well, you have your own things going on in life but truly what is one driveway clearing a year going to do? For them it could be the only thing in their day that they can be thankful for. Take initiative, help out.

On the topic of helping out, I suppose we could turn our attention to the "healthy" child. One mistake we made which I wish I would have realized back in the day was how much Kailey missed out when we couldn't go to family functions or friends get together's. If Braden was sick then honestly there would be no reason why Kailey had to miss time with family. The only reason why Kailey would have to miss any function would be the same reason we would, if someone was ill or showing signs of illness. Truly, I should have had someone from the Martz family appointed as the one person who would be responsible for Kailey's purpose to go be with her family. It could have been one person, the same person from her early years who she could become close too and be comfortable going with them. We didn't do that, and my advice if you are reading this and find yourself in this situation with extended family, speak to someone and ask for their help.

Or maybe if you are a family member missing your medically fragile family member, take them over some food from the family gathering. Wrap up some left overs and bring it over, complete with dessert. Everyone loves free food, and most times parents of ill children are so busy they forget to eat.

Don't be shy, make a meal order a pizza or drop off gift certificates to favorite restaurants that offer take out options. When a family is dealing with as much stress as we did, a delivered pizza may be the only saving grace they've seen all day.

One very important piece of advice my friends is to do your own research. We have the internet in todays world and although I don't want to encourage you too search the internet for all things concerned. It is a good resource for you too read into diagnosis, treatments and care plans. If you have someone in your live who you know is struggling with a medically fragile child then learn about their condition and ask questions if you are unclear. Your loved one would be so impressed and appreciative of your time and attention. Showing an interest in their life situation would mean so much to them.

It shows them that you care, and sometimes when you are at a family gathering or party it sure is nice to not have to sit around answering a bunch of questions about your child over and over again. If you are a family who happens to have a medically fragile child in your life, take the time to learn about it. Then share the information with the rest of the family, so everyone is aware of what is going on. Then there is no reason to burden the child's family with over whelming questions and concerns. When they are able to come around, you can enjoy them. The illness they are dealing with does not define them, they are much more than a medical condition. If you listen closely you will begin to hear and see all the wonderful things they have to offer to you~

 

I can not express more clearly if you are blessed enough to have a family in your life with a special needs child then learn from them. They will teach you so much about life, unconditional love, dedication, faith and the true meaning of happiness.

 

 

I wish I would have thought of this sign below when I needed it most. How things could have been different. Hospitals should provide these signs to parents when discharging medically fragile children.

Well my lovelies, I hope I have left you with a well rounded explanation of the ups and downs of entertaining the family of a "medically fragile" child. Honestly I can't complain, I was lucky enough to have friends who completely understood this complication in our life. They never once risked Braden's health and always took our advice seriously,. If you are reading this and can relate, I hope you find some good advice. Learn from my mistakes, and make the appropriate changes for a long lasting, caring relationship with those in your life.

Until tomorrow my friends good night and god bless~xo

Mug Cakes In My Stockings~

 

For Christmas this year I received these two books in my stocking! I love mug cakes, always have. We've had a lot of fun trying out recipes that I have found on Pinterest. But these books have some really easy, very cool ideas. I can't remember which evening I tried this recipe out it was sometime last week. I have to say...it was really really good! I made some for Paul and I. The recipes are so easy to make too..and the one I am sharing actually looked exactly like the one in the book. 

So you start out with some butter, melted in a microwave safe bowl.

While melting your butter you can crack open a egg into your mug...

And whisk...

 

Add some brown sugar

and some vanilla extract

This recipe calls for 5 tablespoons of flour and 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

Add 2 tablespoons of light cream

Then you put it in the microwave for 1.5 minutes.

It cooks and rises amazingly...I was shocked too see how well they turned out.

Then you make some icing with 6 tablespoons of icing sugar and 1 tablespoon of water and stir.

Then you top of the mug cakes with the icing and add some sprinkles..and Voila...gorgeous, delicious mug cakes. I also got some cake forks for my new obsession with mug cakes.

Paul let me take a picture of him enjoying his cake. I plan on making more of these and posting as I try them. Just a little fun here, especially during the cold winter months.

Well my lovelies, I hope you are all doing well...until tomorrow good night and god bless~

Always Believe In Magic..100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter #82

*This was suppose to be posted a long time ago*


100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter #82~ Always Believe In Magic**


With Christmas fast approaching once again we are in the midst of  holiday magic. It's a time of which I always find myself reminiscing about my own childhood, and just how wonderful my mom made the holidays~

I remember when I started questioning the belief of Santa Claus. Is it all true, is it real? How can Santa possibly fly around the world in one night handing out millions and millions of toys to children?
My mom being the most amazing woman in the world and constantly thinking of our feelings and emotions had the best response ever..
one that I took with me into my own parenting...
she simply replied,
"I will always believe in the spirit of Santa, in the magic of giving" "
If you believe in your heart of the spirt of Santa, then forever you will feel his presence every Christmas eve."
She never came out and said yes or no, and within time we obviously figured it out. She just shut us down gently with a silent whisper and promise that if we believe, then we will feel.
She chose to never take the feeling of magic and the innocence of childhood away from us.

I chose to do the same with my children, when I started to get questions I gave my kids the same explanation...I told them its all in their heart. If they want to believe, then do. Eventually we did discuss the Christmas traditions of Santa coming down the chimney. But once again, if you believe his spirit was of a generous, giving and Saintly gift then you will feel his spirit on Christmas eve forever~ That's exactly what we have done.
My dear fox, always remember Christmas is for children. Its a season of giving, its so very important to teach your own children to give. Not only gifts but your time, volunteer in a shelter, or a teenage maternity home. Give back to your community and give thanks to those who have been there for you over the year. For those feelings are the ones magic is made of.

It's ok to believe in Santa, for as long as you can. Childhood is taken from many far too soon.

Now for the other magic, the feelings of love, lust and admiration.
My darling, all of that can be beautiful. There is magic in the world, you just have to define it. Make it your own. Everyone has their own definition of magic.

To me magic are the little things, a rainbow, a smile, a helping hand sometimes it can something as simple as the sunshine. For me, I know how dark life can be. I have seen the bottom of life many times, but I have felt magic many more~

Believe always Kail that anything is possible and that dreams can come true. Magic is all around us, sometimes you have to look for it. Actually most always you have to look for it.

Love is magic, but love is work. The magic in love is defined only by you. You must make your own magic, and never be afraid to express it. You deserve the very best, and even if you have to ask for a bit of sparkly enchantment...when the moment finally happens, promise yourself to enjoy it.
Never compare your magic to anyone else's~

The world is a beautiful place fox, in whirl of chaos...there will always be magic!
Do not loose your sense of wanderlust, always search for the happy~