The delta and living with PTSD~

 

 

 

There is something about the Delta Intersection here in Cambridge that can at times cause me great overwhelming anxiety and stress~

 I have a memory that is sometimes triggered just by stopping at it.

 

As many of you know I recently went back into seeing a Psychologist for my PTSD. One thing that we are working on is flashbacks and memory recall. I suppose the best way to explain this would be too break down how this all came about. I don't really share much about my memories or PTSD, I would never ever be driving with you through the Delta and tell you what I may be experiencing. Most times I am alone when it swallows  me up...but what goes through my mind when I sit at that intersection is this..

 

 

" Each lane you see in that picture above had a police car with their lights on, a police officer standing at the front of their car with their arms crossed and lights flashing. I could see them as we were approaching the delta. The police were there too stop all traffic, you could see them waiting patiently for the ambulance that was carrying Braden to pass through safely. I remember being so shocked, and frightened of the severity of  my situation. Its not everyday the police force shuts down the Delta. I was following behind in a police cruiser, terrified, worried and devastatingly sick as to what my child may be going through".  Very recently I realized why I was not in that ambulance. They do not allow parents in the vehicle when they feel the child may not make it. How devastating is that?! 

 Its just not something I would bring up, but please know if more than likely at one time or another we have driven through the Delta together I have definitely had a flashback that I have pushed to the back of my mind. Typically ignoring it so I didn't have a panic attack in your presence. It is for this reason I am where I am today, filing through my memories and taking the time to acknowledge them.

 

We started up back at Braden's gym in Hamilton lately, the one that he attended as a small child. He went back in high school for a few years but I believe my dad took him for many of those visits. Anyways I found myself during our first visit back feeling sad, down and a bit overwhelmed. I didn't quite understand where it may have been coming from.

So many memories, it goes back to our first drive too MacMaster Hospital right after my accident. Once I was cleared from Cambridge hospital, Paul, my mom and myself headed to MacMaster to be with Braden. He was transferred immediately, looking back I'm not too sure why they held me back.

Driving back to Mac just triggered a whole bunch of memories.

When I was talking to my doctor about that, mostly because of what happens when I am stopped at this intersection, he informed me that those memories will never leave. We can just work on them becoming less and less. He said, during our years of living through the chaos, I was just surviving. Each single trauma was noted, placed in a little box and put in a closet stored in my mind. My memory bank is over stalked with too many captures. During the time of living through them I didn't have the time to deal with them. and keeping busy was a way to distract myself from reaching in and pulling one out so that I could assess, feel and let it go~

I suppose this is where I am today,  I am opening up those closed boxes and giving them the attention they need. I will bring myself to face them and then I will let them go....and move forward.

My doctor did say my circumstances are challenging because I still live with the situation that brings me so much anxiety and fear. I need to be patient with myself, sometimes I get very frustrated and I feel weak, I don't ever give myself permission to have these feelings. I worry greatly about what others will think, and I am incredibly tired of that.

So that my friends is why I am sharing, because I know there is someone I can reach out too. I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my current state. I am a realist, and I am a doer...when there is a problem or concern, I fix it.  

Well my lovelies, until tomorrow good night and god bless~