Living with the "C" word

Cancer...one word that can destroy a life,a family, a soul and at times a faith. But only if you allow it too..
Tonight was a very humble evening for our whole family. We attended a funeral of a 16 year old beautiful young lady who lost her battle on Friday with Cancer. Braden had the priviledge of growing up and going through school with this wonderful girl. Steph was in our lives since grade 4, and she was an avid ringette player for Cambridge often meeting Kialey as she got off the ice after one of her games. This young woman had a smile which would brighten a cloudy day, and I am so grateful that she shared so many smiles with me and my family. I remember speaking with her mom at a fundraiser that the Cambridge Turbo's had organized, and there was still hope at that time. Her mom spoke softly, describing Steph's battle as courageous, strong and over-whelming. We discussed some of the neurosurgeons and the care she has recieved at MacMaster Children's hospital. I remember feeling a sense of contention and determination coming from her. She was a fighter and a believer, and I was aware of the battle she was willing to fight. I understand completely that my experiences in life is NOT the same as her experiences. However, when a mother is threatened with the thought of losing her child there is a feeling of desperation, fear,agony and despair. Those feelings last for about 10 seconds and then we prepare for battle. It doesn't really matter what the situation is, all the feelings are the same. Every mother and father feels the exact same way when they get the terrible news that their child is up for a fight to stay alive.
So many things go through your mind, immediately you start to pray and hope that someone is listening. You are so desperate, that you will do anything to save your child. Surrendering is not an option and I know that Steph, never surrendered..she fought till the end..she was a warrior. Unfortunately someone had other plans for Steph and she was called home, as a parent we have to come to terms with this..we will never win against the Lord. I once explained my battle as playing a game of Tug of War with God, I was at one end of the rope and God was at the other end. Everytime my son showed any sign of leaving me and things in the ICU didn't look promising for Braden..i felt that was god tugging at the rope, I then inturn tugged harder. At times I was very angry, yelling at God to leave him with me..stop trying to take him! YOU won't win, he is mine and you gave him to me. It is true, I was angry with god..I didn't want to lose my child. We had too many scary moments during my game of tug of war...I did realize eventually that god was in charge of this situation and nothing I said or done was going to change the outcome of our journey. It was then that I started to heal, and surrender. I needed to accept whatever fate was coming my way..so instead of yelling at him, I asked him to send me the stregth to deal with the circumstances. I stopped yelling, and I stopped tugging at the rope. I did get to keep my son, I don't believe that I won...its not about that! I believe our journey is not over, Braden still has a purpose as all of us do. Even though it is not fair to have lost such a beautiful, radiant young lady she has lived her life, the life she was given and as her mother said she has lived it to the fullest. I don't understand the reason's for losing a child, it is not fair..it is unbearable and the most difficult thing for a parent to comprehend. Tonight I will be praying for Steph's mom, my heart is with her. My tears are shed for her, she will not see her daughter get married, have a career,have a baby or fullfill any of the dreams she had desired in her future. I will pray that she has the strength, faith and love to bravely face her new destiny..whatever that may bring.

Please note, that my blogs are strictly based on my feelings and experiences. My perspective and life experiences that I share so openly are my personal perception of my life and how I have made it through some most very difficult times...*sigh*