Ok, so I was going through some old file folders and came across some of my journals and writing's that I did during the time of my accident. I only wrote a few times, but I did keep them. It was a struggle actually to read them over again. I have read them all before and didn't seem to have as hard of time with them. Its amazing how quickly memories come flooding back when something is there to remind you. It was over powering, it was upsetting and at times took my breath away, my throat hurt from trying to hold back the tears and physically I felt pain throughout my body.
Honestly I have been holding back sharing with you some of my journal entries, and I have come to realize its probably due to the pain of remembering. With all that admitted, I have happily decided to post these writings. I seem to be ok with it...yes they are personal, they are very intimate but if I really want to write this book I am going to have to learn to put it out there.
There are many mothers and fathers who share their stories on line, in books or during seminar's...why am I so worried about it?
These writings that I share are really old, and written during a very emotional time. When I read them today, I almost get excited at the prospect of "Tweeking" them. Even though it is going to be trying for me to sit down and re-live all those feelings and emotions...I am ready to do so! I can't wait to re-write those memories..add more detail and maturity to the story.
So much has changed since these writings. My goodness I look back at them and feel the innocence, the lack of knowledge and the heartbreaking pain. I have evolved tremendously...and I am looking forward to reshaping and rewriting that part of my life. I think the biggest difference is my persepective...15 years later and I have a totally different out look! More to come...
In My Car....
Braden was too quiet, his silence was terrifying. He made no noise, no movement and was not responding to his surroundings.
The moment seemed like forever waiting for help, waiting for the sounds of the sirens but in fact it lasted for 12 long terrifying minutes. I couldn't stop searching for a sign that Braden was ok, he still sat motionless in his car seat.
Slowly his head dropped to the side to rest on his shoulder it was then I realized he could not hold his own head up. What was happening to him? Why was he not responding?
I could see Braden was trying to scream, his mouth was opening and closing, but nothing was heard. He kept staring straight ahead, eyes wide open, he was searching for me...but could not move to find me. Tears were falling down his cheeks, and blood was now running down his face.
Oh how I knew something was wrong. He was so still, I realized at the time that any noice from him would have been a relief...the silence was deafening. His color eventually began to fade and his tears had stopped. His eyes began to loose life, and each breath he took faded further and further apart. It was becoming more of a struggle to breath, his rhythm slowed and became so weak, it was so challenging for him to take in any air...is he dying? He was gasping for air, fighting so hard with the little strength he had left to survive.
I was lifeless, paralized...what do I do? I can't go to him...I am too scared, please god...send help, we need some help.
I was losing my battle with god to keep my son. Dear god don't take him, I've only had him awhile.
'The lord replies "I am the way and the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me".
~John 14:6
