I am getting better at it, but it has taken me 44 years to start practicing the art of saying it.
Please don't wait that long in your life, you end up being extremely tired in life when you can't say no to others. They will suck the life out of you, and leave you for dead without feeling any bit of remorse.
Here are some simple strategies to learn how to say no without feeling guilty.
When you want to say NO to someone, always remember you Can't do everything!
Sometimes we say yes to so many people that in all honesty you simply cannot help another person, and you have to acknowledge that. If they don't understand that, then F**k them.
If you really do want to help someone, but don't truly have the time to...then kindly tell them you are not available but offer to help them find someone who may be able to help them. Offer to put a post on facebook, maybe one of your friends are able to help out. At least it lets them know you care.
Tell Yourself that you are not being selfish.
If you find someone is trying to tell you that you are being selfish for not saying yes to them...then again they might not be the type of person you want to be with.
Remind yourself of all the things you have done for people. Always have a kind heart, when you do find yourself capable of helping someone...always offer. But only under your terms...unless of course someone is in danger, then do everything you can to get them out of that situation. Do not put yourself in the way of getting hurt, always be sure you are safe.
Saying NO to someone does not mean you don't care, it means you care more about your own well being. It means you value your time, and your own life. That is way more important than saying yes to someone when you really don't have the availability.
Understand right now....You can't Please Everyone.
Acknowledge that it is impossible to please everyone in your life.
You have to learn where to draw the line eventually. You may think that saying no to someone might make them loose respect for you. But the opposite is true, if you continuously say yes to people some may start to take advantage of you..and that is not respectful. You can please those who you care about some of the time, but trying to please everyone will only make you go insane.
Think of all the things you are saying Yes too, when you say No.
You're saying "yes" to spending more quality time with your friends, loved ones, and family instead of doing something you don't want to do.
You're saying "yes" to maintaining your sanity, to having some "me time," and for making time for the hobbies and interests that matter to you. This my darling is my biggest problem, I have always found myself saying yes to things I didn't really feel like doing. When I may have been accommodating someone else's interests I was losing out on developing my own. Never put the things that matter most to you whether it be a run, a movie, or a good book to do something someone else wants to do. (Unless its me....then that's ok lol)
You're saying "yes" to living a more relaxed, evenly-paced life that is centered around the things that having meaning for you, not for someone else. Again, at times when I wanted to be alone, I put my needs aside to accommodate someone else's needs. I am learning to not do that.
You're saying "yes" to having a reasonable workload instead of burying yourself in hours of extra work because you couldn't turn someone down.
Understanding why you are having a hard time saying no is a good way of not feeling guilty.
If you're afraid to say no because you're worried that the person will stop caring about you, then you are in a problematic relationship/friendship and should try to get out immediately. When someone cannot respect your choice in saying "No" to them, then it is their issue. In all honesty if they give you grief about it then too me they are trying to control you. No is NO....you are not to be persuaded otherwise.
Understand the different tactic's someone might use to get you too say Yes!
Bullying: This person will keep insisting that you do the thing he/she wants you to do, and is even mean or aggressive in the process. When dealing with this person, keep your cool and do not react to their aggressive tone. Again Kailey you know this is not my strong suit. I loose my patience very quickly and start dropping F bombs everywhere. Really not the best way to handle this, it works don't get me wrong...lol..but take this life lesson from your father. He is way more mature, calm and collective when dealing with people like this.
Whining: This person will continue whining about how hard things are for them unitl they break you down and you agree to help. Again, see the signs....understand once someone hears you say no and they continue to try and manipulate you get out of there. Be very quick but firm and a simple "I;m sorry you are having a hard time" is the perfect way to reach in for a quick side hug and boom....done. Good by whiner.
Guilting: Then there are the ones who use guilt. They will try so hard to make you feel guilty and may even say things like "you never help". Now the right way to handle this is too calmly remind the person of the times that you have helped, and deny the request. I however don't have time for that, you know me girl....I'd laugh and walk away. I get very frustrated very quickly when I say NO and someone isn't listening to me. I think that is why I say yes so often, I don't want to be confronted cause I don't trust my response to them. :/
Complementing: The compliment(er) Oh this is a class act. This person will start by telling you how amazing you are at something, or how smart you are, and then will ask you for help with a certain task. Don't fall for that either. If you gut tells you NO...then its NO, don't listen to their useless words. Again, kindly explain it doesn't work for your schedule right now but you will try to find someone who could help.."I will ask around and see if someone can help you, I will contact YOU if I find someone". See how you do that? Stay in control, and you will contact them. That way they won't be sending you messages or asking to call you.
Talk In A Calm Voice
As much as I may take temper tantrums when someone isn't listening to me when I say no, its not the best way to deal with the situation.
Honestly, stay calm but assertive. It makes you look more confident and people tend to back down when you look secure.
Have Assertive Body Language.
What I mean by that is too just stand tall, look the person in the eye. Do not come across like you are second guessing your decision. A really good manipulator will see that weakness and pounce on you like prey.
Don't Apologize Too Much.
You can say you're sorry once, but anything more than that will make it look like you are struggling with your decision or even your availability.
Don't say, "I am so, so sorry that I can't walk your dog next weekend. I feel really, really bad about it."
Instead, say, "I'm sorry I don't have time to walk your dog next weekend."
Explain why you can't help them.
Give a brief explanation of why you are not available. You don't have to go into detail, keep it simple and tell the truth. "I don't have time, so sorry".
Give the person some alternatives.
If you truly do feel guilty about saying no to someone and would like to help, then try to give some other suggestions on what can be done. If you think there is some way you can help then don't be afraid to offer it. Remember to stay true to your own obligations, never stray from your responsibilities.
If you find those few friends who you would do anything for, then do what you can when they need you. It is so important to have people in your life who can support one another. If there comes a time in life when you cannot be there for them due to your own circumstances, then if they are truly your friends they will understand. That's the key thing.....look for that quality in friendships.
Well my lovelies, I hope I have left you with something to think about. Its a touchy subject, but make no mistakes its an important one. Something we must all think about, boundaries are vital in all areas of your life, including friendships.
So until tomorrow, good night and god bless~
An important lesson for anyone to learn.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right! Thanks for reading and commenting!! :)
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