Does this mom look happy?

 

So recently I have had some problems with someone in my life not being honest with me.  Not going into specifics, what I mean is they just refuse to be truthful sharing in their life's reality.  I am not talking about my immediate family, so don't go jumping to conclusions. I have no issues with my family...

I am struggling. I do not know which route to take and I am lost. I have been dealing with this issue for some time, and there is only a small handful aware of it. I was recently speaking to someone about this situation and they had made a comment to me saying "maybe they think everyone's life is perfect so they want you to think their life is too."

At first I was in agreement, I had said "ya, maybe"....and I had left it at that.

But then I started to think about this, and it really began to bother me. After some considerate thought I began to think if this is really the case, and this person truly thinks my life is perfect and all I do is post my perfect life on social media...then f**K them! (Sorry for the bluntness, it just demonstrates how much it really does bother me)

 

So then I met with another acquaintance and had shared with them what had been going on within my mutual dialogues. This friend had made a very good point and kinda spoke out with the exact words I was wanting so bad to express.

She had said, "if someone really thinks your life is perfect, then they don't know you at all." "and that is very unfair of them to think."

She went on to say "anyone who knows you should understand that you choose to be happy, you choose every day to wake up and be positive. That's who you are." "If there is anyone who has the right to be down, sad and depressed...its you."

Honestly at first I wasn't sure where she was going with that, and I had disagreed with her. But then she explained what she was meaning...

"You live with a young adult who has a Spinal Cord Injury, a son who has numerous health problems and at anytime your life could be turned upside down."

She admires that I don't mope around whining all the time about how shitty my life is.

She is right, and I respect that. I never even though of it that way, its not even in my brainwork.

I do not believe I have a shitty life, I LOVE my life I am truly blessed and I am proud of that. I work so hard to stay happy, choose happy and I will continue to put that on social media and if you don't like it then don't look.

I have two amazing kids, the best husband and a family who I love beyond words. I have the best life, because I choose that~

 

You see that outlook didn't come easy. I decided to share this picture above, I am not too thrilled with it as I look hideous...lol..I was actually just pregnant with Kailey. The reason I am sharing this picture, is to prove a point. To those of you who may think my life is perfect, and maybe you get off on my life when its shit..you'll like this!

This is Paul and I with Braden at the African Lion Safari water park. Naturally you look and think "oh this is a nice picture, look at Paul with Braden." Such a nice thing for them to do, get out of the house and enjoy the water park,"

Well I am here to tell you...I hated every moment of it! and by looking at my body language I am sure you can see it~

Let me explain, there was two choices I had. Stay in my little world, closed off safe from the whole world looking at us, looking at Braden. Staring, pointing and asking questions...OR we could get out, enjoy this wonderful life and make the best out of our situation.

For Braden's sake, we chose to get out...we gave him the best possible childhood. But that came with a cost...

You can clearly see I am not too happy with the little girl slowly approaching our area in the bottom left of the picture. We had seen her coming, she was watching and clearly trying to figure out why Braden wasn't running around the water park just like she and her younger sister had been. She slowly made her way over, nonchalantly drawing near us. I know she said something to us, I can't remember what it was. But I do remember how I felt.

Sad~

I was so sad, these moments were the ones I hated being in. It took so long for me to get myself together and find a way to make these times pleasurable. I had to find the strength in myself to overcome the pain and suffering I was putting myself through. Something I don't think I have ever admitted is that even family functions where difficult. To see all my nieces and nephews running around playing and interacting while Braden would sit with Paul and I was a challenge. I did not like to go to those get together's I always came away so depressed.

In this moment that was caught by the camera, you can see by my body language that I am defensive. She is only a child, and I know I would never be rude to a child but in my heart I didn't want her there. Having her present in our environment only reminded me of what we didn't have. We did not have a healthy, active toddler running around relishing in the water.

We had a very medical fragile toddler, with very little movement who was unable to run, walk or jump around in that water...and do you know who felt responsible for that? ME!

So ontop of all the pain of not having a healthy baby, I lived with the guilt of it. So being here in this exact moment, the only reason we were there was for Braden, I did not want to be there. I wanted to be home, safe away from the sad realization that my son was never going to run, jump, bounce and play with other kids the way that he should.

It took many years to over come this. It didn't happen over night. I struggled for years, in ways many of you will never know. Even seeing my friends kids playing in our pool, jumping off the diving board, swimming underwater at times could have killed me. But I didn't let it, I rose above it. I had too...for Braden, and eventually for Kailey.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times Paul carried Braden through a field, around a baseball diamond or through the halls of our own home while playing Hide and Seek. All of it, just so he could play with his friends. 

Paul would through him over his shoulder and run, which ever way the boys were going...Braden wasn't going to miss out.

 I know he did that for me, I know all those hours of staying close to Braden outside, camping and holding on to Braden during social events was not only for Braden but also for me.

He sacrificed so much of his own time to be sure our son had a wonderful childhood, I know when he would have Braden in his arms running with the neighbourhood kids and he saw my smile...he new in that moment all my sadness was gone.

So when I say I have the best husband in the world...I god damn well mean it! I do not know any other man in my life...NO ONE who has sacrificed their own life as much as my man has. He did it all in the name of love, not only for Braden but for me as well.

The older I get, and more I learn about life the more I realize how lucky I truly am. I am blessed, and our marriage has not always been easy..but its a lot better than most and I wouldn't change it for anything.

So to wrap this post up in  a pretty little bow, I will end it with this..

 

Today, as I sit here trying to express myself in a way that I can be understood. If what you take away from my blog and my social media is that my life is perfect and so should yours be...then fantastic!

Change your life, I did~

 

 

I had my shit days friends, I shed my tears and I have been to the very bottom of despair. I could still be there today except what kind of life would that be?