When Skies Are Grey~

I am not going to lie, since finding out that some of my daughters friends are reading my blog (which I am thrilled with) I struggle to be open. There are so many things that I want to write about, but the last thing I want to do is to bring uncomfortable conversations to Kailey. So if my darling girls you are reading some of these more "painful" truthful blogs, and you find them hard to understand mostly due to "lack" of life experience. Meaning only that you haven't lived long enough to understand some of the topics, I do not mean any disrespect and to be honest maybe some of you have lived through horrible, terrible painful events and I am just unaware. I am not taking away the experiences that you have struggled through, and I truly believe that each one of you could teach me something in life. My only concern is that my choice to blog about my life is not always easy for Kailey...so I ask with consideration please give Kailey the choice to whether or not she would like to talk about certain blog topics. She's not me...lol..she isn't one to discuss things that maybe painful. Thank you my lovelies...in advance...I appreciate it~ xo

This being one of those blogs~
It is no secret to many of my friends and family as through the years I have revealed my years of wanting to give up. I love here what Juliette Lewis has written, and it speaks volumes to me. The truth to my life lies deep in that quote. I know many people have suffered through depression and mental health....at times finding their lives to difficult to proceed through.
I guess in my life, having to live with guilt around having a terrible accident that had unfortunaly  paralyzed my son...that in my darkest moments, I wanted to die. How do you get up every morning, make a cup of tea, feed the dogs, check the calender to see what appointments we had that day, and then go into your child's bedroom and face what you feel "was your fault?" Every morning I faced, his little body lying in his bed, unable to move himself. He'd wake up, I would set my tea on his nightside table and put on my smile, in hopes that he'd smile back because if he did...I felt he was not blaming me. In reality, he had no idea when he was little what had happened to him, he didn't remember being in that car seat, or making that left hand turn....he knew something was different, but he didn't understand. I'd do his exercises, dress him, get him into his chair...or put him on the floor cause for a short while he was able to crawl...and while smiling cause it was all I could do, we'd start our day.
Please know....and I stress STRONGLY, that I wasn't always sad. I wasn't always wanting out of my life, it came in phases....and it usually passed quickly as I did realize how unfair it was of me to feel so selfish.
It's only looking back know I see my true strength. I remember some terrible dark moments, mostly when I was alone and had too much time to think...in the midst of my day there was no time to think, I was way to busy. It was usually during alone car rides..when it was quiet and I had time to think. Thinking back to those car rides, i'd scream, cry, swear and then pray. I would pull into my driveway, turn off my car and wait for the tears to dry. I would think to myself, get a grip, stop this...grab whatever strengh I could muster up.  One of the hardest things I had to do was smile, and change my mood quickly cause when I walked through my front door and had to face my family. I mean who gave me the right to take away their happy? Hadn't I done enough already? So in I would go..smile on, ready to continue with our lives, I would dive right into bath routines, bed time stories and late night snuggles.
As far as ever really wanting to end my life, I didn't ever make any plans or even in reality think of a way to do it. I mean, of course the occassional thought would cross my mind, but the power of positive thinking quickly shut that out. Not to mention the extensive counselling I had endured to help with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The tools I had been taught helped tremendously with my many emotions I suffered from daily.
 Again, it is amazing how a mothers love can over come anything for the love of her children. Even though today in my life, I still have days far and few in between where the emotions of my tragedy creeps up and into my life. It is thoughts of my family that keeps me grounded, reminds me of why I am living today. In my gloomiest of days, I always knew I had a job to do. I had children whom I loved with all my heart, and they had expectations of me. It was my purpose to make them happy, fill their days with joy...so my feelings had to take a back seat, like I said there was no time for my sadness or my depression. Do you see why having Kailey was the best thing we did? I had to be sure that little girl didn't suffer the effects of my heavy-hearted emotions, she wasn't even here for all of that. Why would I continue to make Braden suffer with my terrible thoughts of anguish, even though sometimes looking at him was incrediably painful, due to my own guilt. I did know deep down, I couldn't do that him...he didn't deserve that.
With all that said...it was never easy and eventually I will get the strength to write about those moments where I did lash out, and unfortunatly those around paid for it. I wasn't always smiling and truth is...there were times I couldn't fake it. I was horrible, I was abusive and I was mean. I have much to write, because deep down I am human...and I know there are others out there who suffer the same kind of pain that I have. I feel they need to know, they can get through it...they can live again, hopefully guilt free. I look at my family today and we have done a pretty awesome job. Both my kids are very well rounded individuals, so even though I made mistakes sometimes....I fixed them. I made it better...and today we smile, and in all honesty my smiles are real~

{I will not write here in this blog some of the moments of impact cause I must save that for the book...and besides like I had explained whatever i write here on my blog...Blogger itself owns. I can't give them my stories~}