It's something we don't think of when we are young. Its something that certainly took me by surprised as I walked the path of my journey. No one prepared me in life for this one....people change. Everyone changes..our friends, parents, siblings, spouces, grandparents, aunts, uncles our children..everyone. You go through life with all these people whom you love deeply...thinking to yourself each one of these people are so special to me. How blessed am I to have these wonderful people in my life.
Slowly, when you are not even paying attention...those around you start to grow, become more cultured or even seasoned, they begin to change. I even think each decade holds a different person in you. Now I don't mean you necessarily loose your values or beliefs. I do believe that your parents or guardians plant the roots of your being, your morals and ethics won't change. Unless of course something happens in your life that shakes your soul to the core, sometimes depending on life circumstances...your morals can be altered.
I love the line in this quote "we're all different people all through our lives." I couldn't agree more.
I was a totally different person in my 20's and 30's than I am in my 40's. You know what...thats ok, I happen to like each of them.
Well my 20's were crazy and sometimes I didn't like my 20 year old self. I had some pretty dark years in there. Some moments that I am not to proud of. My 30's was years of healing, I had some years to myself where I went back to school to beome a nurse. I needed change, I needed to find myself. Having a child in the ripe young age of 21, so many life experiences were taken from me. Then you add my accident and that was an example of what I meant about sometimes life can 'shake your soul"...how do you not come out of that a different person. I re-evaluated all of my values, morals and ethics. Everything changed after that.
I think one of the hardest lessons in life is having the ability to realize that the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with will change as well. Its one of the most challenging things, to understand that your spouce is changing...and you need to choose to continue to 'get to know' them. Each stage in life you choose to fall in love again. Its alot of work, and its not easy...there have been years through those previous decades that I did not particularily "like" Paul. I am sure there were many many times he felt the same about me.
There is a huge difference between like and love, I have always loved Paul...even in our times of trouble. But to be honest...there were times I didn't particularily like him.{ Sorry Paulie if you are reading this...you know we had some tough times, I love you Sparkee~}
If Paul and I were to give advice regarding our marriage, and our years together...I think we would both agree one of the most important points in making it work is communication. I know, I know everyone says "communication" is soooo important, and they don't follow up with why that is. Well here it goes, I will do my best to explain it.
I met Paul when I was 18, just a kid. A young lady with hopes of marriage and family. I wanted to eventually manage a daycare, have one kid, we never thought of holidays or travelling...because we had no money. Work was the utmost important thing ever...I didn't want to be a stay at home mom, I was raised to believe working was what put food on the table. My dreams, hopes and desires were completely different from the way things worked out.
So we started out...on this path, 2 working class parents, low income (in the beginning), small single family home, possible townhouse, 2 vehicles 5-7 years old, one dog, shopping on a budget weekly living pay check to pay check. We were living life, the only way we knew..hard working.
Shortly after my accident....everything changed. I dropped out of school, stopped working, became a stay at home mom, had another baby, had to learn a ton of medical treatments...we bought a bigger than ever expected home in a middle/upper class neighbourhood. Bought new vehicles..and eventually took our first trip. We were different people, not expected at all..but its what happens sometimes in life, when your soul is shaken~
When I say communication is utmost important...do you understand now? Could you imagine if through all these changes, Paul and I didn't have any communication skills? Its something we worked on..for sure we were taught some skills through professionals. I mean your life doesn't change that drastically and you are expected to understand things right away. Not to mention we were only in our early 20's. Over time, like I mentioned we changed. Paul was certainly not the man I had married 6 years earlier...he had new likes, and wants...eventually he became interested in boats...WHO is that?? Just starting out, I had no idea Paul would like boating. He started to play squash, joined a gym and had a new love for Ford Trucks. I started scrapbooking, decorating my house, hanging with new friends, shopping with teachers in the states...I was completely different. I had never shopped before this shift in life, we didn't have money. Who was this new lady shopping at Baby Gap and Roots for her kids? Seriously....we had some pretty big changes in our character. It was all so new, everything about our life was new...even Braden was different. We struggled with self worth, self esteem...we had ups and downs, but we could always talk to one another.
To bring this all into light, my point being simply..life changes you. Regardless of your circumstances, you are going to change. Looking back at my marriage, I remember thinking at times we were no longer compatible. Honestly in certain points of our marriage we did choose "to get to know" one another again. We have been together for 25 years, we met very young...you can't expect two people to stay the same from the time we met. That's just silly, you also can't put 2 people under the circumstances we have lived through and not expect them to be changed coming through that. We both could recognize the times of transition, and I remember sitting down with him for "date night" and we'd talk. We would discuss whatever was on our minds...open dialogue. No worries, anything could be said...honesty was the key. You can't fix things or dodge trouble by not being honest. We even made a rule that we would "re-evaluate" our life together every month, then every 2 months, every 3 months..etc etc..It worked. I think we both felt we had some control that way.
The second part of that quote is equally important "so long as you remember all the people you use to be." That's the fun part....looking back and laughing at life. Who you were, what was important to you at certain stages in your life. Paul and I laugh alot at that, the history we have together is incredible. Its weird to think that I have been with him longer in life than I have been without him. He knows me best..he has known the "all of me's"...Looking back, through the years I really wouldn't change anything. The angry me that lived through my 20's has taught me to fight, to be strong. The 30's me...taught me to be me. I liked her...she was smart. She helped me heal, recover and change my life just for me..those years were my learning years...probably my favorite ones. The 40 me...is quiet, believe it or not, lol...calm. It's nice, I like this place. No one to worry about, I know who I am...this 40 me needs to get in better shape though, I miss that part about being 30. I am looking forward to continuing through the 40's, we are content. Its a great place to be....
If you are reading this, my wish is for you to understand that life is going to change you. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Regardless of what happens, embrace it. Accept it...and learn. If you are in a relationship and wanting to give up, remember why you started it in the first place. Give yourself and your partner permission to change (as long as no harm is being committed) try to understand them and please welcome the fact that change just means growth. It'd be a scary uncertain world if we didn't change with time, I for one...will continue to seize the moments of impact that modify our destiny~
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