Kailey...slim and fair; darling, beloved; slender".

Look at the smile on this boy's face...having Kailey so soon after such a tragedy was the best thing that we could have done for our family~

Last night I went to my first EVER Spinal Cord Injury Women's Support Group~ Yep, its taken 17 years for them to come up with a support group for women caregivers of SPI husbands,son's, daughters, grandparents..etc etc.
I was a bit nervous going in with not knowing what to expect..I use to go to the occassional support group for mom's with Special Needs Children but always came away more frustrated than when I went in. Most of them complained about their husbands or financial instabilities..and at that time, in the very beginning of our recovery Paul and I were attatched, we were close and we chose to smile. Many of these women were angry bitter housewives who complained non-stop about their childs Autism or developmentally delayed son or daughter..they complained about their husbands lack of interest in their child..OH god, it was awful!!
I didn't ever stay long, I couldn't handle it...and besides, my son wasn't born with a disability, it was an injury from an accident..i never felt like I belonged with them. I also rarely felt bitter or angry about my son's condition(bitter and angry is alot different from grieving)...i was just thankful he was alive, he was here...and I was able to still be his mommy!
Anyways..I guess I was happy to go last night in hopes to have something in common with someone from this group. It helped that they were all living through the same type of lifestyle..they were all caregivers to someone who USE to be different, who USE to be healthy...its just different when its an injury.
Everyone has a story and they are definatly not the same...and after sitting their and listening to all their stories and all their heartache and pain, the only thing that I came away with was "why the hell did we choose to have Kailey so soon after my car accident?"..LOL..seriously WTF were we thinking? I've never truly thought about it AT ALL until last night when I was asked "So, you had another child after your accident?"...my response.."Yes, a year later we had Kailey!"
They were beside themselves with wonder..It was then that it hit me and it hit me HARD, after sitting through all their stories and remembering all the difficult things that we went through...why on earth would we triple our chaos and have another baby?
My answer was the first thing that came to my mind, it was the truth..it was my something that i answered openly and honestly..
"We had her... I guess in a way it was to save us" Braden came home after 5 months in hospital that July '95 and I was pregnant that April '95 then I delivered Kailey the following December '96.
I came home last night and asked Paul.."Why did we have Kailey so soon?' He looked as puzzled as I did and looked at me with an expression that read.."Jesus, why did we do that?"
Know I don't want Kailey to think that we regret having her so soon, because in all honesty she was the best thing we did!! Hands down that baby girl was placed in my arms by god to save my life!
Once I had Kailey I regained all the feelings of being a mom..I wasn't only a nurse to Braden or a physiotherapist..I was a mom again.
Kailey pulled Paul and I out of a life dotting on Braden and probably handicapping him further because he would have been considered "the only reason I had to live", all of my energy and all of our lives would have revolved around Braden and how terrible would that have been?
Looking back know I can't even begin to describe how crazy busy it was, but I will say...every opportunity Kailey had..Braden had too, he has lots of reasons to be thankful Kailey is here today.
The group was good, I can't get into specifics because of privacy issues but I did enjoy it and I will return next month. I was the longest post injury person there, and I was probably the "saddest" too, I don't mean that in a way to bring pity on myself. I think we can all agree that there is really nothing harder than seeing your child suffer in pain, or the loss of a child. I have said it for years..I wish it would have been me injured that day..I hate that he took this hit in life, It should have been me!
With all that said we do have much to be thankful for..many of these families don't have the financial support that we have so thankfully in one aspect our life is easier. Many of them were spouses of men who were injured after they were married, most of them had happy marriages, still strong and making it through.
I think actually that will be the biggest reason for my return, I like learning how these mom's function with a husband in a wheelchair. Eventually my son will be there, these mom's have children and they seem very happy with thier lives. I think they'd agree that its not easy, they live with men who at times can be very angry or even depressed. There are many things that they have to change as a married couple, I hope to learn alot..someday I hope to be a wonderful support for my son's wife. I even said that last night..that I like to hear how they make it work. That someday I hope my own son finds a women good enough for him, someone who can take on the challenges that he may bring to the table.
Well, it was funny to have gone to this meeting last night regarding Braden, but came away thinking more about Kailey. All the questions they could have asked me last night and the only one that they were all thinking was.."Why did you have another baby so soon?"..lol..I had her because I wanted too..I probably wasn't thinking too clearly at the time, and looking back know I can say with certainty she was my biggest form of recovery..she was my saving grace~
Enough said..