Something that I hate about myself??

Well Hate is a REALLY strong word...I don't want to say that I hate anything about myself BUT what I do hate is what i've done TO myself. Obviously there are many things that I dislike physically about me, one thing for sure is the extra 25 pounds I gained shortly after starting school five years ago. Going back to the thing that i've "done" to myself is something that I didn't really realize until about 2 years ago. I will admit that I haven't been fair to myself and if there is one thing that I "hate" it would have to be that I haven't allowed myself to forgive. I hate that I have taken many years from my life living with guilt and lots of heart aching pain. I hate that I did not allow myself at times to be "happy" I did not allow myself (at times) to be free, I lived in fear. Mostly afraid that something else in my life was going to go wrong. Everytime I felt excited or content I would remind myself of what had happened to my son and how it has effected my family. I lived this way for a very long time, if I allowed myself to laugh I would think how dare I smile when my son is not breathing on his own or will never walk again! I hate that I "crippled" my own life by NOT forgiving myself or by giving myself permission to feel happiness ever again. I took so many happy, wonderful moments that followed my car accident and refused to enjoy them only because I wanted to punish myself...I hate that I did that!
I faked so many smiles, I look back at certain pictures throughout the years and look at my face and I remember what I was really thinking through that fake smile and sparkling eyes.
Thankfully my outlook today is a much better one! It's NOT perfect, and I still find myself at times wanting to go there and punish myself. I have a better handle on it all today...and in those moments where panic strikes or my heart begins to break, I think of who my son has become and how proud I am of him. I think about my family...I think about my daughter and how she deserves to have a "happy" mom. It doesn't take as long overcoming moments of sadness...I absolutely LOVE who we have become, me,Braden,Paul,Kailey and my whole family and like i've said before... going through all the bad...has made us who we are! Why would I want to change that?