Easter Sunday 1995..

I have a memory that was very strong today and every Easter Sunday that I would like to blog about..I am going to write about it as I remember it.

"Come on Chrissy, its time to go! Braden is sleeping he will be fine, we'll be back first thing in the morning and we'll celebrate Easter with him then. Its late, lets go back and go to bed."
I can't leave him..I am too sad, he is suppose to be home with us..the easter bunny is suppose to come, leave him eggs...will he ever get to do an easter egg hunt again?"
"I can't leave Paul, I'm too sad."
"He is sleeping, lets go. We'll be back in the morning."
I remeber standing at the side of his hospital bed, oh my god he was so little. He looked so peaceful, so still..I believe this was one of the worst nights of my life. I did not want to leave him, I wanted him with me..there is nothing worse than to not have control over a situation involving your child. At this point we were in ICU at MacMaster Hospital for 6 weeks. We were not having any signs at all from Braden showing us that he was going to recover from his injury. He still had not moved any part of his body except for his eyes..he was still trached and surving only for the sake of life support. I was devasted, this night was going to be a challenge for us. I was so angry, mostly at god...how dare he let this happen to me? Why didn't he try to stop the course of events from that day?
I sat crying at Braden's bedside until at least 12am, he was so beautiful and I felt so sorry for him not to mention the guilt that ripped through my body with every heart beat. This night was a low one, my thoughts were dark..its not a place I would want to visit frequently and I tried very hard not to be haunted by those negative perceptions.
It was the night of the Easter bunny visit, I couldn't have felt more lost or heart broken as I did then. I could not understand where my life was or even comprehend the sudden change in course of events. I was happy living my life before all of this, I loved my life and how dare this happen and change everything.
Finally Paul convinced me to leave, I stood at his hospital door it was now quiet in the ICU. The lights had been turned down, the nurses hushed their sick patients and settled them in for a night of rest. The air smelled of popcorn, sometimes the nurses popped some during night shift, they had chocolate eggs at their stations. Bradens constant nurse that night was Julie, she was a mother of 2 children both were just reaching their teenage years. Julie had become a great support to Paul and I, she learned to read my body language and tone of voice so she pretty much new that I was having a difficult time leaving Braden for the night. She approached me, hugged me tight and wished me well for the night. She made sure that I fully understood that she would keep a close eye on Braden, I knew he was in good hands. I did finally leave, I was exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. When we got back to the ROnald MacDonald House, we had a drink in the kitchen and sat at the dining room table just to settle our minds before we retreated to bed. By then it was about 1am, and I still was not calming down or taking the night to lightly. We sat Paul and I just looking at eachother...no words to talk, we were out of things to say to one another. It was during that silence that I had lost all control...with my head down on the table I prayed so loudly, through tears streaming down my face..it hurt to breath, It was so hard to talk there was so much to say to God, I was desperate for answers..
"God, if you are there..please dear lord give me a sign." Please god, I can not do this anymore, I don't want to do this." Please god give me a sign that my baby is going to be ok, I don't understand why this has happened and I am running out of hope." I am so sad, I want my son back, I want him the way he was lord, Please heal him dear lord". If you hear my prayers then prove to me that you are there..dear lord give me a sign, please give me a sign".
You see for 6 weeks I had been praying and hoping for some improvement, we were not getting very far with his recovery and things were not progressing. I had figured with it being Easter and it being a time of love and hope, maybe just maybe we could get some answers.
Paul convinced me to go to bed, he helped me get to our room. I was barely able to walk due to fatigue and my swollen, red half closed eyes. Finally I fell asleep, waking briefly because I thought I had heard Braden running down the hallway. That happened alot, it was just anxiety and phantom sounds. It was a sound I was never going to hear again, it was hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream...
That morning when we were getting ready to go back to the hospital, things had settled and I had regained some strength. It didn't matter this morning about our situation..I was realizing that he was still here, and I needed to be thankful for that. This was only one Easter that we would be spending at the hospital. Let's suck it up and go make our son's easter absolutely amazing!! He deserved it, what an incredible baby boy!!
When we opened our room door to head out, we were so happily surprised to see some chocolate eggs and candies..the easter bunny came to us too, he left treats outside our door! It made me smile, my hopefulness was returning.
We walked to the hospital that morning, grabbed our coffee at the cafeteria and headed to ICU with many, many, easter treats for Braden. When we walked into Braden's room we were so shocked, it was marvelous..we had the best nursing staff you could ever ask for. Through the night his nurses decorated his hospital room with easter ribbons, easter treats and so many gifts. That boy was spoiled, he had a big smile and that meant more to me than anything else in the world. He was just beaming at us..with just using his eyes he made us follow his thoughts throughout that room. He guided us with those baby blues to every little egg he could see...it was glorious. We were blessed, I needed to be thankful for what I had. Even though I was enjoying the moment, I still in my heart was looking for that sign. I still had a feeling in my soul that I was searching for more, there needed to be answers.

I sat at his bedside with the railing down, we were playing with a little red truck. He smiled, and watched as I zoomed that car up and down his little chubby resting arm.
My mind was racing at this time, I was starting to feel restless again...flashbacks from the night before came rushing back instantly..my chest was feeling heavy, my throat hurt, and I could sense a panic attack fastly approaching.
Immediately I looked at Braden,
"Braden" I said with fierce determination and strength, again I called his name..
"Braden, touch mommy's nose", "Come on buddy, reach up and touch mommy's nose, come on Braden" "Get mommy's nose", Oh please Braden, just do it!! Come on Braden, please!
With sheer anguish and pain, I begged that baby to reach up and touch my nose.
Without hesitation or possible gravity pull....Braden remarkably reached up and touched my nose!!
This was my sign, no doubt in my mind this was my sign that I begged for just the night before. My prayers were heard and they were answered!! We were astonished, amazed and filled with a new hope, faith and inspiration.
About 4 weeks ago we were told Braden would never move again, and the only part of his body that would ever move was his eyes. We just proved the medical doctors wrong, we have something to work with..things are going to get better. Finally I got my sign, it was all I needed to continue on this journey.
We called in the doctors, they were shocked,thrilled and even some tears were shed by them. News flew through ICU, and we had many visitors which included specialists, neurosurgeons, physiotherapists and occupational therapists..they knew we had reason to rehabilitate this child, there is hope..where there is life, there is hope.
They did a repeat MRI, the following day because for medical reasons and test results Bradens new found movement is not suppose to be possible! My life changed again in that moment, it went from being so dark, hopeless and unfathomable to hopeful, breathtaking and miraculous. We were living our life, one day at a time..some days good and some not so good. But one thing I knew for sure, I wasn't living them alone. He was there..he gave me a sign.