Somedays...

The Special Mother~

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressure and a couple out of habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth. Son. Patron Saint: Matthew."
"Forest, Beth. Son. Patron Saint: Cecilia"
"Rutledge, Carrie. Twins. Patron Saint: Give her Gerard, he's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles: "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She is so happy"
"Exactly", God smiles. "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today.

She has that sense of self and independance that are so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child i'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy".

"But Lord, I don't think she even believe's in you."

God smiles, "NO matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Isn't that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't seperate herself from the child occassionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiled: "A mirror will suffice."

This my friends is my most sacrad, precious poem that just happens to pull me up when I am down. I don't expect any of you to understand or by any means relate. I do hope however it eases any discomfort or lack of knowledge around mothers and fathers who are blessed with handicapped children.
When I use to ask the question "why", or "why me" there was never any clear answer that could ease my soul. Sure there were the technical reason's for my accident..you know the whole physical aspects...but for a mother who is dying for answers to satisfy her soul...this poem just about sum's it up!
Ok, so we all know my circumstances are different from having a child born with a disability, my world was shaken...up rooted and rip apart, there was no time to plan or prepare. Many children are born healthy...and acquire illness or survive accidents and live their lives with the catastrophic repercussions. In that event we still as parents try to understand why we were chosen to deal with the situation placed at our feet. Like I have said before...we need to find a reason or understanding, its all part of the healing.
I will admit, after my accident it changed a huge part of who I was. I do see life differently from others...and sometimes I feel sad for those who do take for granted the wonderful things that are right in front of them.
The other reason why I feel so connected to this poem is because it has helped me learn to deal with other mothers and fathers who are living their lives, fumbling through trying to incorporate this new situation of having a handicapped child. It has shown me that these families too have been blessed, they may not see it yet...they may still be angry but in time they will feel the effects of loving a child with a special need...and how nothing else in the world matters because everything that is all important is right there in front of them.
I'm not going to lie, there were families that would break my heart...it just seemed that their situation was so "aweful" and tragic...
However, having this poem helped me through those moments...I began to realize once again we are doing gods work, we were chosen! I am sure that many of you have felt or thought at times... "better you than me"...and I would say your absolutely right... and I wouldn't change anything~

Can you believe that these are cakes??

This evening Paul and I went to friends for dinner. We had a wonderful time, we cracked open the red wine, shook up the Corona (in order to get ready for Mexico) and he enjoyed the most amazing 3 cheese dip EVER! After sitting around for a bit enjoying our drinks and company discussing our plans for our up coming trip to Cozumel, we gathered around the table to eat a most spectacular dinner. Yep, friends..its sounds a bit dramatic doesn't it? But, how could it not be spectacular when its someone else doing the entertaining and cooking!
It was truly wonderful..dinner was great! I just missed my own kids there. Kailey was busy with...can you guess??...yup you got it!! Ringette, and Braden is obviously a typical 17 year old young man who just wanted to be home alone and have sometime to himself. He had friends over last night untill wee hours in the morning, sooo I didn't mind that he missed dinner with us. We will just have to have their family here next so they have the opportunity to talk with Braden and catch up. It was nice to see their girls and find out how things are going in their lives. It was especially special to have had her older daughter cook/bake dessert for us..she did a fabulous job! I know someday she will be running her own restaurant fit for the stars!
So, below are a bunch of pictures of cakes that my very talented friend made during a cake class in KItchener. Apparently the teachers or instructor's are well known on TV and have been featured on some cake shows. Look at the detail in these cakes. Can you imagine the amount of work that was put into them? Actually the pictures do not do them justice. My friend is working on her own cake company,things are looking great for her...she is still trying to figure out how to get her company kitchen set up downstairs in her basement, and she is constantly trying new things to better her designs and products. I am so proud of her, I hope you enjoy the pictures...they are amazing.

Marvelous Mini Meatloaves....

This recipe is the bomb~
It really is one of our favorites, it just brought a different spin to meatloaf. Its also the type of recipe that is economically pleasing and for the most part you may already have all of the ingrediants at home! I served this with mashed potatoes and cesear salad, it was great!
Hope you try it, promise you will love it!!


what you need
Take 1 lb. extra lean ground beef,
1 pkg. (120 g) Stove Top Stuffing Mix and 1 cup water and mix & match your recipe from these options...
seasoning options add-in choices cheese possibilities
a) 1 tsp. Italian seasoning 1/2 cup pasta sauce 1/2 cup Kraft 4 Cheese Italiano Shredded Cheese

b) 2 tsp. chili powder 1/2 cup chunky salsa 1/2 cup Kraft Tex Mex Shredded Cheese
1 tsp. dried oregano leaves 1/2 cup chopped roasted red peppers 1/2 cup Kraft Feta with Oregano, Sun Dried Tomatoes and Cracked Peppercorns
c) 1 tsp. garlic powder 1/2 cup Kraft BarBQ Sauce 1/2 cup Cheez Whiz Process Cheese Product
I tried the garlic powder option one and it was fabulous!
Then follow our 3 simple steps:
PREHEAT oven to 375°F. Mix meat, stuffing mix, water and seasoning until well blended. Press evenly into 8 muffin cups sprayed with cooking spray; make an indentation in centre of each with back of spoon.

SPOON add-ins evenly into indentations in meatloaves.

BAKE 30 min. or until meatloaves are cooked through (160ºF). Top with cheese; continue baking 5 min. or until cheese is melted. Let stand 10 min. before serving.
kraft kitchens tipsMake AheadRemove from muffin cups; let cool, then freeze in single layer on baking sheet until firm. Transfer to airtight container and freeze for up to 4 weeks. To serve, defrost, then reheat in microwave or in 375°F oven for 20 min.Serving SuggestionComplete this meal with a baked potato and steamed seasonal vegetables.

Pray For Lucy...

I do not know Lucy personally, but I pray every day for her! I ask that you do too. She is a little girl in the United States who is fighting for her life. She has cancer.
She was diagnosed about a month ago, after what her parents felt was the flu. Doctors did some blood work and found elevated white cells which led to further investigation and eventually this little girl was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma which happens to be brain cancer. The doctors have removed 3 brain tumor's, however this young little baby girl unfortuntaley has been diagnosed with Menengitis in her spine. They are aggressively treating this set back and will then transfer her to St.Judes hospital to start chemotherapy and radiation. Please Pray For Lucy~


You know friends, I have never really touched on this topic before...maybe a little in passing did I comment about my belief's when it comes to religion or faith. Many of you may not even know how important my faith in God is?! I don't think I have ever really sat down and discussed with anyone how much I love and rely on God. I have never really been a church goer..and some can judge that a true christian goes to church religously and gives their life fully to God. Well friends..untill YOU have stood strong and tall against the big guy, you have NO idea what giving your life to him REALLY means! While reading Lucy's mom's blog I have found myself remembering my own internal battle, and my own battle with god. I remember having my faith tested, my belief in god altered. I remember being more afraid than anyother time in my life, afraid of loosing....
I think for this reason alone, I can relate and respect Lucy's mothers internal battle with herself, the battle which allows us to give our childs life to the hands of God and trust in him that he will do what is right for your baby.
Honestly...that's the hardest lesson in life, letting go of the control and the desire to fight against the possible death of your child. I will say...I went against the lord strong, hard and with feirce determination to hold my baby and bring him back to health. There was NO way God was going to take him from me...I threatened the lord with so much anger and at times hate. THe demon's that took over my body, mind and soul were destroying me...the fear of loosing was enough to want to end my own life. Those were the dark times....and unless my friend you have watched your own child suffer in pain and fight for their life, literally I mean being on death's door with only hope to keep him alive. Unless you have screamed until no breath was left in you and the pain that takes over your own body prevents you from filling your lungs again... don't you DARE try to scrutinize my beliefs.
There comes a moment in these dark times where you hear him, where you may even see him...I experienced both. It took alot for me to listen, he sent many signs and many people to talk with me..chaplin's, ministers, my mom and even doctors encouraged me to pray. I remember the moment of surrendering...I gave him up, I realized it was NOT my fight, and that there was no way I was going to win this one. That became the most peaceful moment in my life.
It wasn't easy friends, I fought with all my might...looking back now, it kinda makes me smile knowing that I had absolutely NO control over the outcome of our catastrophe...it was never really in my hands. It was always and still is in God's.
That is just the point friends....can you imagine the feeling of peace that over came me when I had finally excepted that my child was mine to hold for awhile, that there was actually someone or something bigger out there...someone who gave me him as a gift, knowing that God actually loves my son more than I do was comforting. The thought of loosing my son, brought two choices...either I surrender, accept and have trust that things were going to be ok, or I give up and exit this situation...and that was not an option!
The feelings are very difficult to find words to describe, but I do understand how Lucy's mom feels...she is angry, hurt and confused...when we feel this way as mothers we look for answers. We want to fix things, we want to make it better...and when we can't, we search for the strength to accept it and the wisdom and knowledge to understand it. We eventually begin to pray for peace, we pray that god grants us the strength to get up in the morning to face the day. In those moments where it seemed to overwhelming, even today when I face some demon's...I pray, he hears, and he grants me the peace. When I say that, what I mean
is there is a feeling of serenity, peace and faith that overcomes your mind and body. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, especially when you are in so much emotional pain that it effects your body physically. Throwing you into a whirlwind of suffering and literally body aches from the heartache and constant agony that fills your mind and memories.
Let's go back to the whole "going to church" issue. Does it bother me that I do not attend church? Sometimes yes!
I am conflicted completely with this topic, the things that I love and admire about going to church are exactly the same reason's why I stay away.
Confusing?? Ya, tell me about it!
Here's the thing....I absolutely love the idea of a church family, I have been blessed over the years to have some wonderful support from churches and their congregations..and I have been very appreciative. I have also made some friendships as well...which at the time were great!
Ok, here's the problem with all of that! Unfortunately the friendships that were made seemed to have come with expectations...you know how I feel about that~
Don't put expectations on me...I will only disappoint you.
Sounds sad doesn't it....but that's how I live my life and the friends that I do have seem to understand that! I was really hurt by these few friendships, it became more about me NEEDING to support their beliefs, their church and with that comes responsibilities. They expect you to attend women's groups, mom's groups,volunteer at their camps, attend seminar's and regular Sunday morning church even home church study groups it just all becomes so time consuming. Back in the day, when the kids were younger...I honestly barely had time to blow my own nose. I had to do what I did in order to survive. That meant NOT pushing my family to be out the door Sunday morning in time to make it to church on time...that would have been added stress in our lives. As it was, it was the only morning of the week that we didn't have to get up, bath, dress,feed and do ROM on our son all within an hour inorder to get out the door! Besides that Sunday was his hockey day...it was the day of the week that he had his time doing his favorite sport. Something tells me, that God would have been perfectly fine with that decision...unless of course our church was going to offer a hockey team of children in wheelchairs complete with ice time?!
Do I wish I could have given them more time in their lives for religion? Yep i do...I do feel guilty that we couldn't have had more of an involvement in church. It would have been a positive reflection in thier lives and I hate that they didn't have more time in a church setting. I was never against the prospect of belonging to a church and the family that comes with it, unfortunately those things came with expectations. It's never too late, and that's how i'm looking at it. We will eventually go back to church, when the time is right we will find the right one...until then god will wait, he know's my intentions.
With all that said, Lucy's mom is begging everyone to pray. Unless you have been blessed with a situation that enables you to believe...you won't understand. But learn from us..the ones who do believe, the one's who have been fortunate enough to experience his miracles and his love. The power of pray is astonishing, it's beautiful...try it, just talk to him..it's all he wants!
Tonight I am praying for Lucy and her family, I am praying that her mom finds the strength to feel peace, to feel his love~

Let's get something straight..

I don't mean this in a ignorant or arrogant way at all. I guess lately i've just found myself smiling for the sake of smiling. Don't get me wrong my friends...I am happy, I am not in anyway distressed, upset or angry.

I am just...

Does that explain anything?
Basically for the next little while, you're not going to get to much out of me...and the one thing that I detest is when people think there is something wrong because you may not be acting like yourself. Believe me friends...there is NOTHING wrong, everything is fine, I just feel BLAH!

We have a ton of shit going on right now that we need to get sorted out, I have been in alot of meetings lately and Kail has had ice time everyday so far this month with the exception of Thursday's.
I can't even say that the events that are happening in our lives is challenging, because they are not...they are just busy.
Back in the day...well exactly 16 years ago we were dealing with so many changes and challenges *lightly stated, but harshly felt*
Today I have to admit, we are there again...thankfully without the added health problems. But, we are dealing with so many changes...some good and exciting and some slightly frightening.
Rest assured my friends, no need to panic if you don't hear from me often or I don't respond in my familiar "happy tone" ways with added smilies and hugs and kisses, its not personal.

I remember being in this spot 16 years ago when Braden was released from the hospital and I had so many people coming in and out of my home, I couldn't keep track of every one. It was so overwhelming and I eventually hated everything about it. Man, I was a different person back then. Always making sure that my home was clean, Braden was clean and well dressed. I was always concerned that I was going to be judged on everything going on in my home!
Once again we are having sooo many people in and out of my home and guess what?? I don't care about those things any more!! LOL...seriously, my house was a mess..didn't matter to me. Things didn't start out to smooth either today...
Shopper's home health called to say that they were in my driveway and was asking where was I? They were dropping off a lift for Braden and then later today the OT was coming by to show us how to use it as we were trying it out in order to help decide if we would get one.
I wasn't aware of this...I had no idea they were coming today to drop off this lift! LOL, So the driver sounded a little annoyed that he had to come back to drop it off again...guess what?? Didn't care!! LOL, I had things to do this afternoon! So then the OT show's up later in the day.,..mind you..she was late *frustration here*
I was in the middle of getting dinner ready, Kailey was sick, Paul was going to be home shortly and needed dinner as he was heading back out to play squash and Braden was having a friend over. On a selfish note...I wanted to run this evening, I've been hittin the treadmill pretty hard lately and i'm really impressed with myself! Think I got my groove back!!
Needless to say...we needed to get our shit together. Typically I would have been on a rampage, my house was disgusting, dinner was half ready and Braden (not to embarrass him) was NOT in the mood to have an OT here..so he was pretty vocal about it, but that just gave me another issue to settle over boiling potatoes and cooked meatloaf. UGH!!
So the lady comes to the door, as everyone who know's me know's that there is always a vaccum cleaner hose in my front hallway, at least 4 pairs of boots, 2 pairs of running shoes and 1 pair of Uggs all lying in my front hallway. To top it off, there were shopping bags tossed down and wheelchair tire marks running from the front hallway right through to Braden's media room. I hadn't had time to clean his wheels when he came in afterschool and had run through all the wonderful freshly fallen snow..*sigh*
Guess what??? I didn't care!
But, I ALMOST lost it...yes there's a bit more!
Oliver (my teacup morkie) had not been outside for a pee in about 4 hours...once again, there was no time, I could blame Kailey for this as I did ask her to take them out...but I don't know the specifics so I won't bitch.
Regardless, Oliver is pretty happy to see this lady and decides to dribble his pee throughout my front hallway...the lady removes her coat and boots and then goes to step off the mat. That's when I see the puddle...the OT goes to step right in the pee *insert embarrassed face complete with fear* and I nearly knock her over to help her avoid a wet, pissed soaked sock...UGH!
She recovers gracefully...
My potatoes are boiling over, there is piss all over the floor, the phone rings, I'm trying to avert her around the wet wheelchair tracks...UGH! LOL..
Could this get any better?? Thankfully Braden is old enough to handle somethings on his own during these meetings...so I did take off to get my potatoes drained and mashed, just in time for Paul as he comes in the front door. Dinner was served successfully...lady finally leaves. Due to Kailey's illness she wasn't going to practice...sooo happily we all managed to sit at the dinner table together where I got wonderful compliments on a dinner well done!
Paul leaves to play squash.
Kailey resumes life back on the couch.
Braden's friend arrives, soaking wet from the rain.
I finally get to step on my treadmill and have an amazing run!
Sooo, my reason's for this blog is to share my feelings of being overwhelmed with many changes. There's alot going on, and I'm not going to apologize for that!
Just be patient friends, that's all I ask!!
Good night and god bless~

MOnday's Menu on Tuesday....

What You Need3 Tbsp. non-hydrogenated margarine
1/2 cup plus 6 Tbsp. Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter






1/4 cup Honey Maid Graham Crumbs
1/2 cup icing sugar
1 cup thawed Cool Whip Whipped Topping
3 squares Baker's Semi-Sweet Chocolate
Make It
MICROWAVE margarine and 3 Tbsp. peanut butter in microwaveable bowl on HIGH 30 sec. or just until melted. Stir in graham crumbs and sugar; press onto bottoms of 24 paper-lined mini-muffin cups.

COMBINE Cool Whip and 1/2 cup of the remaining peanut butter; spoon into muffin cups.

MICROWAVE chocolate and remaining peanut butter in microwaveable bowl on MEDIUM 1 min.; stir. Spread over desserts.

REFRIGERATE 30 min. or until chocolate is firm.

I made these treats last week, they were really good. Very easy to make I think the best part was the crusted peanut butter cup...just thought I'd share this one with you!