Tuesdays Talk...6 Secrets Mom's of Special Needs Kids Don't tell you

6 Secrets Mom's Of Special Needs kids don't tell you..
      Last Tuesday we reviewed the number one secret being Special needs mom are lonely. This Tuesday I will reveal the number 2 secret..

2.Special needs moms have to work extra hard to preserve their marriages's

The wonderful woman who started this blog topic didn't go into as much detail as what I probably will regarding her marriage. We have different circumstances..and everyone's story is their own.
When discussing our marriage I often go back to the odd's we were given about 2 years after my car accident....we were given 13% chance of a successful marriage. Lets break it down...
1. we were incredably young when we married, I wasn't even out of college yet.
2. We had a baby very young without being completely financially secure.
3. I had a car accident, which resulted in a trauma and a situation that could have easily added blame to me.
 4. We then had to support a child with severe medical issues, the stress of that was extremely overwhelming and could have torn any marriage apart.
5. We had a new life to live with a "Special Needs Child" that alone typically ends a marriage within the first 5 years, this I know because we have met MANY families over the years that do not make it past 5 years. Its sad, but its a reality. It's not easy...this marriage thing, but having the stress of a special needs child makes it much more challenging.
I should rephrase that comment by making it clear that the special needs child him/herself  are NOT responsible for the stress in any house hold. Whether you believe me or not when I say having a special child in your life is truly a blessing. These kids teach us more about humanity, love, patience, resilience, determination and kindness, it is the households who do not take the time to learn from their child that don't survive their marriages. You need to be bound together, you need to share in those lessons and you need to always keep communication open, laughing, crying and even screaming when necessary...but if you are doing these things...Just do them together.
Once one of you decide to unplug from the relationship....it only goes down hill. For Paul and I...after my accident, when we finally made it home we were just happy to be home. I remember having nursing in my home day and night..the stress was tremendous, it was so difficult to adjust to being home with SO many people coming and going.
We were so lucky to have such wonderful people in our support system, I firmly believe that it was all their help, advice, time and consideration that helped us through those first few years. My parents were outstanding and still to this day if we didn't have them..I am not sure where we would be today. Even though we had alot of professionals around for a very long time...a small handful of those professionals became close friends who recognized the importance of Paul and I continuing a relationship in our marriage. We were blessed with so many seasoned married couples who reminded us daily that we still needed to nurture our commitment to eachother. We immediatley had my parents trained to care for Braden's medical needs...just so we could go out for dinner or to a movie occassionally. I think all of us Special needs parents can relate to the fact, if you get an evening out..you take full advantage, never take it for granted and be just in that moment, and so thankful that you get that moment.
Back then we did have cell phones, but we didn't text or have facebook, twitter or instagram..so it was easier to stay focused on one another.
If I were to give any advice to a new family starting out with a child who has been born with special needs..my advice would be to remember your marriage comes first. Nurture that..make it a priority, don't feel guilty for that either. Children feel safe when parents are united, they feel secure knowing their parents love eachother. You will quickly learn that it really is the little things in life that will make you happy, its not about money, competition or pride...let that go and live in the moment. Sometimes our date nights would be at 3am...sitting on the couch watching a rerun of Rosanne while sharing a bowl of cheerio's. THOSE were the times that I will cherish, this is the reason we made it work.

100 things I want to teach my daughter~ Recharge your marriage more than your cell phone!

#100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter ~61 Recharge your marriage more than your cell phone

My darling fox, its far too early for you to comprehend this advice. I am well aware that right now in your life the cell phone is what you touch the most throughout your day. I am sure you spend most moments looking at it. Now I am not saying you are not busy, and you spend all day on your phone cause to be honest you are one of the busiest girls I know. You also have a great habit of putting your
phone away so you are not distracted.

So what I want explain here, to tie in my cell phone charging analogy with marriage you need to understand a few things. When you become married or common law it is so easy to fall into dangerous patterns. Just think how panicked you get when you are waiting for a response from someone who you have texted. How often you look at the phone of wait for the sound of the notification. God forbid your phone is going to die, it’s amazing how agitated we get trying to find a charger or charging station so we can hook that phone up to get what we need from it. We need to energize and activate it, in order to get what we want.
Think of marriage like that, every day spend a moment just to energize or juice it up. That can mean just about anything. In reality most times in a marriage no one has the energy to put more pep into something that requires us too. Especially once we have children. But trust me when I say, marriage comes first, before your children, before your family, BUT not before you!

Let me explain.

In order for you to give attention and time to your marriage, you have to take care of yourself first. Obviously that’s not going to happen every single day, some days when you were little and Braden was sick I didn’t even have time to poop. I couldn’t have imagined going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee or squeezing out a foot rub for your fathers needed time and attention. Lol

It’s about balance. On those days, when we didn’t have time for each other or ourselves it was all about communication. Quick convo’s during the day, we always made time to ask about each others day. We would speak about you and Braden, but then we’d see how eachother were doing. Struggles, feelings, concerns, funny moments, we always checked in with one another. We also made time at the end of the day, once you kids went to bed we had our time. Through the week we made a habit of being together at night. I rarely if ever went out with friends through the week after 9pm. Unless it
was a Pampered chef or Tupperware party I would be home by 9pm to be with dad.

That was one nice thing about him and I, if I needed to get out have coffee with a friend or meet
someone for dinner I always left when he got home from work. I’d be back after your bedtime routine. It was my way of looking after myself, recharging me. But then I would come home and recharge my marriage. I never put anyone before him. EVER.

It might be hard to hear its more important to put your partner before your own children, but truly what is more important to a child. A healthy strong united front presented by both parents OR unhappy, miserable parents who fight and bicker and ultimately can’t stand eachother. Cause let me tell you fox, if that cell phone gets more charging than your partner, the relationship over time will come to an end.

Recharging your marriage doesn’t have to take a whole lot of effort on a day to day basis, you know the evenings dad goes to they gym right after work? That is your father taking care of himself. But
then he comes home with a tea for me. (And you) and that is his way of taking care of his marriage. Something so small, bringing home a tea for me. It makes me happy, makes me smile and then we talk. Always chat with our coffee’s and tea after dinner. Honestly such a small gift at the end of the day, but the meaning is huge. He wants to spend time with me, he want’s to hear about my day, my thoughts and feelings. That my fox is recharging your marriage.
Years ago, nana and papa bought me and dad a small CD player. They had a nice note that stated how important it is too spend time together, they had said every day they have a lie down and listen to their music together. Even if its only for 1/2 an hour, and you do nothing but rest and listen to the music. It will strengthen your marriage. They are absolutely right, that’s recharging your marriage every day for only a few minutes. You will find your charger, the two of you. When you do, put that first. Before anything else.

Love You Fox,
Happy New Year
Love Mom~

#61 Be your own Hero~

Oh my darling fox,

Sometimes I find quotes or sayings that inspire me to write things that I feel are important. When I find a treasure like this one, I usually think of you. Then I think, what a great life lesson..and from there  I write.

You know, I  use to believe that when I met a man and got married I would be whole. I thought it would be him who would carry me through my difficult times. My husband would make absolutely everything better. In reality, and with a slap in the face I learned fairly quickly that I was the one responsible to pick myself up, he would only hold me up once I got there.

Let me explain, I don't want to sound like your father wasn't supportive, protective, caring and nurturing. We both know that without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. He has and  always will be my rock, and when my life fell a part on days that he was at work, the moment he came home I would immediately feel a peace come over me. I knew everything in the world would be ok again.

To this day, it still feels this way. I am so blessed. 

But with all this said fox, there has been many times when it has been my own arms that have had to lift myself up. Honestly as heavy as it may have been at the time, it was the best life lesson I could have learned. You must be able to sit down with only yourself and understand that under any conditions you are going to be ok. 

Another important perspective is to remember that most people are fighting a battle that you know nothing about. So do not put expectations on others to hold you up when you are down. If someone does show up to help you, that’s wonderful. Appreciate their time, and always be thankful. If you find yourself wanting to help someone, make the time. Having the chance to step up and support someone is one of the most selfless acts you can do. Just don’t loose yourself in the process. Always remember to save some strength in your core for the battles you will fight. 

So I do believe that I may have already done a post similar to this one. But I still feel this topic is so important. I find these days too many people rely on others to “help” them out. To help fix their problems, or even take their situations from them and make them yours. 

I want you to always remember as a young, confident, sophisticated woman the importance of being able to care for you~

My hope is that someday you find yourself with a husband as wonderful as your father. A man who will highlight your strengths and underline your weakness. A man who will absolutely pick you up when you need that, and one who will stand silently beside you while you learn to be a stronger, better you~

Until next time Fox, good night and god bless~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter- #62 Bake Cupcakes...as often asyou like~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter

#62 Bake Cupcakes..as often as you like~

Cupcakes can ultimately be the cure for anything. On crappy days, good days, sad days and quiet days I bake cupcakes.
Cupcakes can bring happiness to absolutely everyone in your life, I say bake them for family, friends and co-workers. If you find yourself having a hell'ish day, bake cupcakes.
They will always bring a smile to your face, and also to your loved ones faces.
 

I love baking them, really for any reason.
 

The best kind are home made, complete with homemade icing.
 

 

You know how much I love to bake. Sometimes I will bake for no reason. It can even be therapeutic.

 

Someday when you are grown, possibly a wife and mother you may find yourself baking cupcakes as well. Involve your children, make it a fun activity. And then you can enjoy the treat on a Sunday evening before back to school.

 

Or Fox, bake a batch of cupcakes on a Tuesday evening. Just for fun, before you and your family watch a fun Disney movie.

 

Take cupcakes to your friends, for no reason~

 

I have two homemade icing recipe's that I use for cupcakes. I will share them here with you. The first one Nana has always made, she learned from her mother.

I believe its called "Boiled Icing" its the kind of icing that I will need to show you how to make. Its a tricky one, very sensitive. One small mistake can ruin the whole batch.

You start with Brown sugar laid out on the bottom of a sauce pan, you drop some water into the brown sugar, just enough to wet the sugar.

On low/med heat slowly bring the sugar to a boil. DO NOT stir, only run a fork through the sugar to evenly dispense the heat.

While waiting for the sugar to boil, take 2 egg whites and using a hand mixer whip the egg whites until the egg whites are firm and stiff, forming peaks when fluffed. Add 1/2 teaspoon of Vanilla extract.

Once the sugar is boiled, and forming bubbles that pop, slowly poor the sugar mixture into the stiff egg whites while mixing with hand blender. Slowly poor the sugar, as the heat mixes with the eggs it will cook the whites. Keep mixing until the icing becomes thick.
I will show you this a few times, it took me awhile to learn how to properly make this icing. Once you mastered it, it will be a favorite amongst your family as well~

The second Icing recipe I got was from Jill, she was a nurse who worked with Braden but became a wonderful friend to the family.

It is a buttered based icing, and is your favorite. I LOVE it as well, I think the other recipe just reminds me of my childhood so I tend to favorite it more.

You will need:

1 cup of milk
4 TBSP of flour
1 cup of white sugar'
2 TSP of vanilla
Cook milk and flour slowly until thick, set aside to cool.
Heat butter with sugar, add vanilla
Add thickened milk, using a hand electric mixer on high until smooth.

This is one that I use all the time, and I love that it came from a dear friend.
Well Fox, that's about it. Keep these recipes and use when you need to share your love.


 

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter #63 Tea is the best medicine~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter

#62 Bake Cupcakes..as often as you like~

Cupcakes can ultimately be the cure for anything. On crappy days, good days, sad days and quiet days I bake cupcakes.
Cupcakes can bring happiness to absolutely everyone in your life, I say bake them for family, friends and co-workers. If you find yourself having a hell'ish day, bake cupcakes.
They will always bring a smile to your face, and also to your loved ones faces.

I love baking them, really for any reason.

The best kind are home made, complete with homemade icing.

You know how much I love to bake. Sometimes I will bake for no reason. It can even be therapeutic. 

Someday when you are grown, possibly a wife and mother you may find yourself baking cupcakes as well. Involve your children, make it a fun activity. And then you can enjoy the treat on a Sunday evening before back to school. 

Or Fox, bake a batch of cupcakes on a Tuesday evening. Just for fun, before you and your family watch a fun Disney movie.

Take cupcakes to your friends, for no reason~

I have two homemade icing recipe's that I use for cupcakes. I will share them here with you. The first one Nana has always made, she learned from her mother.

I believe its called "Boiled Icing" its the kind of icing that I will need to show you how to make. Its a tricky one, very sensitive. One small mistake can ruin the whole batch.

You start with Brown sugar laid out on the bottom of a sauce pan, you drop some water into the brown sugar, just enough to wet the sugar.

On low/med heat slowly bring the sugar to a boil. DO NOT stir, only run a fork through the sugar to evenly dispense the heat.

While waiting for the sugar to boil, take 2 egg whites and using a hand mixer whip the egg whites until the egg whites are firm and stiff, forming peaks when fluffed. Add 1/2 teaspoon of Vanilla extract.

Once the sugar is boiled, and forming bubbles that pop, slowly poor the sugar mixture into the stiff egg whites while mixing with hand blender. Slowly poor the sugar, as the heat mixes with the eggs it will cook the whites. Keep mixing until the icing becomes thick.
I will show you this a few times, it took me awhile to learn how to properly make this icing. Once you mastered it, it will be a favorite amongst your family as well~

The second Icing recipe I got was from Jill, she was a nurse who worked with Braden but became a wonderful friend to the family.

It is a buttered based icing, and is your favorite. I LOVE it as well, I think the other recipe just reminds me of my childhood so I tend to favorite it more.

You will need:

1 cup of milk
4 TBSP of flour
1 cup of white sugar'
2 TSP of vanilla
Cook milk and flour slowly until thick, set aside to cool.
Heat butter with sugar, add vanilla
Add thickened milk, using a hand electric mixer on high until smooth.

This is one that I use all the time, and I love that it came from a dear friend.
Well Fox, that's about it. Keep these recipes and use when you need to share your love.

  

Oh Fox, you know how much I love my tea. You want to know a secret? Its the single most valuable staple in my day. It is what helps me start my day, it lifts my soul around 4pm and then it tucks me in a the end of the day. Brings me comfort when everything is unsettled.

 It was my 4pm witching hour drink while you kids were little. You will learn that when you become a mother yourself. There's the one hour a day when you will wish you were anywhere else but getting dinner ready with a couple tired, miserable, hungry, snotty children screaming at your feet.
The witching hour is a real thing...just wait!

It was my drink of choice when you would nap and it was my "night time" drink when I would be up through the night with my babies.

Tea has become the one word question I get most texted by friends and your dad.

Tea?

When I receive that text its a question that always brings a smile to my face.
Mostly because I know I get to see someone who I love.

When I was little my nana would make me tea, she would have it steeping all day on her stove. Why was it always better at my nana's? She drank it black, but she always had carnation milk and lots of sugar. It is my one true childhood comfort that made me feel loved, safe and comforted and of course I only had that at my nana's. My parents of course had tea at home, but I don't remember the carnation milk, I believe it is high in calories and my mom would have been cautions of that. Rightfully so.

I hope you know, when I become a grandmother I will continue on with that tradition. When you and Braden were little you both drank tea (so cute), and then Ethan came for sleepovers and he drank tea too. Always one of my favorite things to have together, especially on a cold day.

Find your fix Fox, tea was/is my comfort. Its my strength and its my wisdom. I have the best thoughts, feelings and lessons during a nice hot cup of tea. I have nursed babies, rocked children and snuggled sick babies while comforting myself with a nice cup of tea.

I have cried, laughed and cursed over a warm cup of tea. At the end of the day, tea is what settles my mind, body and soul.

Well my lovelies, I hope you have enjoyed this post as much as I loved writing it. Until next time, good night and god bless~

100 things I want to teach my daughter # 64 Make your own baby food~

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter   #64 Make your own baby food.

It's surreal to think of you as a mother as I sit here watching a scary movie on a Saturday night. But I know the day will come, and god willing I will be there to watch you maneuver through the hands down most important job of your life, becoming a mother.

Fox I am here to tell you becoming a mom is the best. You will never love anyone like you will your own children. I will say, a woman should love her husband with the same passion as her children. In reality, you do. Always and I mean always put your marriage before and above anything else. The best gift you can give your children is to love their father with a passion that could move mountains.

The second best gift is too and honestly the most important is to make your own baby food. Now in order to be successful with this you must be organized.

When I had Braden, it was your Aunt Sue who taught me how to do this. She was doing it with Josh and then Jordan. She told me to cook all my food, puree it, let it cool and then put it in ice cube trays.

 

I loved the idea. So I started with vegetables, moved to fruit and then meats. It was a lot more work than buying baby food but so much healthier, not to mention cost effective.  Each day I would take what ever meals I wanted for him/you during that day and let them thaw. Then when I had to make it a thinner consistency I would add some formula/breast milk to thin it out and warm it up. I will forever be grateful for that lesson in life. I want to pass that on to you fox. Make your own baby food for your children, of course that's something I would help you with when the time comes :)

 

 

There are so many more ideas these days for mom's and dad's. So many healthy treats, natural ingredients that benefit your baby.

 

 

I am certain by even the time you are feeding your children this will once again be different. Regardless of all the other options available to you at that time. Just promise me you will keep your children's meal time fun, healthy and practical. Not simple, quick and easy.

Some days fox its ok to follow the rules, its ok to take a break from cooking. Whether its you or your husband making meals, sometimes its perfectly fine to eat cereal, eggs, or pancakes for dinner. It's expectable and expected to cut corners on busy days.  There are no rules, do not stress yourself out with dinner plans and meal options.

My only advice to you is with a baby starting solids, make sure its healthy and homemade.

 

Well my darling, until next time..good night and god bless~

100 Things I want to teach my daughter #65~ Own a dog espcially while raising a family.

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter~

#65 Own a Dog while raising your family

 

Dear Fox, one of the best things we did while raising you and your brother was owning a family dog!

 

Harley was initially all for me, I had wanted a yellow lab my whole life. My god, I thought those labs were angels on earth. I couldn't wait to own one. My dream came true in 1998, March 7th we got the call that our litter of pups were born. Originally I wanted a girl, but in the litter there was only 2 girls and both had been spoken for long before we put our name down for one of the pups.
We were given the option for boy, I had never owned a boy dog before...how different could it be?

I remember you were just over one years old, Braden was 4 and we had a new 8 week old puppy. Thankfully I believe when we got him home things were stable. I don't think Braden ended up in the hospital so we had some time with Harley as a family and we bonded with him. The breeder sat me down and gave me these words of wisdom. Words that have stayed with me all the way until we got Ella and then it all went to shit. lol

She told me, being a young mom with a lot on our plate to always remember Harley is a dog. He is a part of our family but teach him to be independent. He needs to learn to be on his own. SO crate training began with him. That's not something we did with any other dog, even growing up my parents never crate trained.

The first two weeks were hell, we put him in a crate, in the basement far away from the family for 6 hours a night. Awful right?
In all honesty, it was the smartest thing we ever did. When I needed him to get out from under my feet let me tell you that crate was a god send. So my dearest girl, when you have your own puppy someday as hard as it may be...please crate train your dog.

I remember taking him out for his last pee every night at 12am and then dad or I would get up between 5-6am for the first month or so. We get him up take him out for a pee and most times stay up from there. If I were to do it again, we should have walked him at 12am and then again at 6am it would have tired him and then we could have probably gone back to bed for a few hours.

Eventually Harley joined dad and I in the bed, he would sleep at the bottom. I loved that, he was such a comfort.
Not only was Harley the best thing in the world for me, he was  the best dog for you kids. He LOVED you kids. You could see it in the way he looked at you. He knew exactly where to sit every meal time. Right at the floor of your highchair, and he also knew who to follow around when you had a cookie or treat.

 

 

We truly believe a happy home owns a dog, I couldn't imagine not ever having a yellow lab in our lives.

 

The purpose of this blog space is too leave to you all the words of wisdom or life lessons that I have learned over my life. I hope to have 100 Things to teach my daughter finished and left to you so someday you can read through this and have some laughs and possibly even some tears~

 

 

To finish off this post fox, when the day comes that have your own Harley my advice would be to start and end each day with a quick walk. Before your day begins, grab the leash and take your dog out for a walk. I promise you it will make your day and his begin much brighter~